Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMasturbation:It’sNotJustForBreakfastAnyMoreMonday, November 18st, 2013. Happy Birthday to Kathy, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in La Pittsburgh. Also, Happy Birthday to Jackie, who turns twenty-four today. In Georgia. Which, much like La Pittsburgh, We can actually point to on a map. We would say We are feeling like a geographic idiot savant, but We are immediately defeated by the city in which Jackie is turning twenty-four: Dracula. Which We have just as much chance of pointing to on a map as Uranus.
Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Becky, who Says, who turned twenty-four all the way back on Friday, when We Simply. Couldn’t. Even. Produce an e-pisstle. She did her twenty-four-turning in, We have verified via SitOnMyFaceBook, NORTH Carolina. (Didja know there are TWO Carolinas? There are TWO Carolinas. We have no idea why. (Although We will grant you that there is a better reason to have TWO Carolinas than there is to have TWO Dakotas.))
Becky has, We are informed, Madd Crafting Skillz, among, if We recall correctly, is the ability to crochet. Consequently, today’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Marilyn McCoo Maya Angelou Runaround Sue is in her honor.
We were daunted, on Friday, by the weekend looming before Us. Not only two murder mysteries, but a LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour show so far out in God’s country, even God couldn’t find it. And, if you know Us personally, you KNOW how We adore the “travelling” part of travelling.
We are trying, however, to improve Ourself as a person, and part of what We are working on is living in This Particular Moment, instead of anticipating (The Horror Of) The Upcoming Moment. Why, We are working so hard at this that We are practically a Zen Buddhist. From Budapest. (Wherever the fuck THAT is.)
Lest you think We have been completely taken over by a pod person, We WILL say, on the negative side, that yesterday was A Very Long Day. We left home shortly before 1:30, and did not arrive back till almost 11PM. And most of that time was spent in transit.
The weather was absolutely gorgeous (which it is again today…We shall have to wrap this up soon and get the hell out into the sunshine (with apologies to those of Our Gentle Readers in places where the weather has not been so gorgeous)).
And may We just say, We LOVE doing Our show! We loved it so much yesterday that We made Our Own Self laugh during the proceedings. So if you are amongst those who haven’t seen it yet, rest assured that it will be returning soon to a theater near you. Resistance is futile.
Even the travel portion of Our program was cooperative. Beginning, in fact, the night before, when a SEPTA bus driver actually made an unscheduled stop so We could get on his bus. Both Our train to AND from God’s Country were exactly on time, with Our train home actually arriving at Suburban Station early. And then, a SEPTA guard passed Us through a gate and We got a free ride home on the Broad Street Subway!
Now, a free ride on the Broad Street Subway might not sound like a very big deal to some of you. After all, We have any number of opportunities daily to smell Our very Own urine, but We very rarely do, so why should We get excited over a free opportunity to smell the urine of others? Well, ladies and genitals, We ride the Broad Street Subway because We have to, and, since We have to, We like it better when it’s free.
Meanwhile, is it just Us, or does The Urine Of Others sound like a brilliant title for something? Perhaps a bodice-ripping Harlequin™ romance. About watersports.
(Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t think “watersports” is a word. Micro$oft Weird™ clearly travels in different circles than We. (Heh…get it? “Weeee”.))
We would also like to thank all of those who kept Us company via texting during Our Travels As Our Aunt (Clara).
We shall no doubt be returning to God’s Country with Our show in the not-too-distant future (although, presumably, after the holidays). So, if you would like to check out where Starzina Entertained The Amish, go here:
And now, as We would like to go out and soak up some sunshine, a horoscope courtesy of Madame Olivia:
But first, We would like to point out that it is Elizabeth Perkins’s birthday. The website where We find such information includes a one-sentence “this-is-who-this-celebrity-is-in-case-you-didn’t-know” blurb with each celebrity birthday. Ms. Perkins should be suing them at any moment because her blurb? “She played Fred's wife Wilma in The Flintstones movie.”
Welcome back and thank you for consulting Madame Olivia.
This is an excellent time to take stock of your resources. Simply sitting down and looking at where the money is going is a great idea. It's a kind of mindfulness and can give you a sense of control and also ease decision-making. Both will increase your happiness quotient.
Madame Olivia sees a surprise affirmation coming from an unexpected source. Just what the doctor ordered, little Aries. The world doesn't know how much these voiced appreciations mean to you. And you richly deserve them!
Verb of the hour: explore
Madame Olivia sends to you her own positive energy and best wishes for your continued journey.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.