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Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Let me hear your body talk, your body talk

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, November 20rd, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Justin, who turns twenty-four today in New York.  New York, New York, that is.  The City That Never Sleeps (With Us).  Speaking of sleeping with Us, Happy Hump Day to the rest of you.

Speaking of boys in their underwear, you may recall, almost two weeks ago, Our birthday felicitations to Bryan, in which We pixtured him both in and out of his Y-fronts. (If you do NOT recall, please go here:  for what We promise you will be a much more entertaining e-pissode of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! than the one you are currently reading.)

Turns out, Bryan only saw said SitOnOurFaceBook posting the day before yesterday.  So that was a whole lot of wasted viZZZualization.  We reckon We’re just gonna have to start pixturing Bryan’s birthday suit all over again.

(If you recognize the preceding piece o’ prose, it’s because We prosed it yesterday.  We are reprosing it to point out that We are hereby declaring it Pixturing Bryan’s Birthday Suit Week.  (Put THAT in your Y-fronts and smoke it.))

Here We imagined These Young People were all up on their technology, and all the time Bryan’s been cramming 8-track tapes into his BetaMax™.

(Yes, that WAS a euphemism…thank you so much for noticing.)

Now if only We could get a few other folks to answer Our emails and texts…

Meanwhile, We just got an email informing Us that Americans don’t eat enough bugs.  Alrighty, then.

And now, this highly inspirational story:

In 1972, Joe Miller was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Tulsa Junior College.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant’s foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Joe worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to Joe, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Joe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Joe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Thirty years later, Joe was walking through the Tulsa Zoo with his family. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Joe and his family were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Joe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1972, Joe could not help wondering if this was the same elephant... Joe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Joe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

And here’s the HorrorScope:

We debated whether or not to even e-pisstlize today, but We decided We had to, so as not to allow you to go about your business without knowing that today is Justin Bieber’s little brother Jaxon’s fourth birthday.

You’re welcome.

Also, apparently, Ma and Pa Bieber can’t spell.

Take greater care with your words than usual.   (Why the fuck should We do that?)

You don’t want to offend anyone by accident,  (Of course not.  We want to offend you fuckers on purpose.)

though doing so intentionally may actually be the best possible course of action to take.  (‘Splain, Lucy?)

This isn’t a good time to send any mixed messages.  (No, indeed.  We need to speak The Queen’s begonias, so that We’re clear as acetaminophen.)

The people you’re dealing with at the moment need clear, concise statements from you and if you can’t seem to say what’s on your mind, write it down. (Perhaps We should mime it.  Because, as Marcel Marceau said, “                                                                                   “)

(That joke, unlike The Queen, just never gets old.)

Using smaller words might do the trick, (Is four letters small enough?)

especially if you have a tendency to try to impress people with a big vocabulary. (When We picture Bryan’s birthday suit, what’s big ain’t his vocabulary.)

It’s imperative (That’s IMPERATIVE.  Not “aperitif”.  Which is a totally different, and completely unrelated, word.  From the Frawnch, meaning “drink this, or We’ll make you eat snails”.)

that you get your point across, which means it’s not the time to show off.  (Oooops…too late.)

Before asking someone out, make sure you’re actually clear to do so. (Well, if he comes over in his birthday suit, how can We help Ourself?)

Misunderstandings can happen in no time flat if you aren’t paying close attention to body language and other, even subtler, signals. (Ain’t nothin’ subtle ‘bout no birfday suit…)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.