Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMackTruckMonday, November 11rd , 2013. (We’ll pause here, so you can savor just exactly how preposterous you sound, attempting to pronounce “11rd” .)
So, first and Formosa, thank you to Juan Anne Dahl who came out to support Us as We strutted and fretted Our hour upon the stage last night. We had so much fun looking for Uranus! And it will amuse you to know that, not only is Leonardo DiCaprio a Scorpio, but his birthday is today! Also, We just learned that his middle name is “Wilhelm”. Seriously. “Leonardo Wilhelm DiCaprio.” Wut da fuq were Mom and Pops DiCaprio smoking?
Okay, We’ll get off of Leo DiCaprio now, before Tobey Maguire gets pissed at Us.
Seconal, Happy Birthday to OurMizCathy, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. MizCathy was at the show last night. Also, Happy Birthday to Dito, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. Dito’s alter ego, Martha Graham Cracker, was mentioned IN the show last night. In the very same paragraph as Deborah Block’s Cock.
We bet you’re sorry you missed it now.
Thirstily, Happy Veterans Day. We trust most of you are enjoying a day off of work. Today’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Gerard Depardieu Marilyn McCoo Spiro Agnew, however, is Our gift to those of you who do NOT have the day off. Employ it as you see fit.
We were somewhat taken aback to see a Google Doodle for veterans Day today. Google doesn’t usually do a Doodle for such a mainstream holiday; they’re usually more like, “Happy 237th birthday to Millard Fillmore’s proctologist”.
(How many of you are now attempting to picture the Google Doodle for Millard Fillmore’ proctologist’s birthday? Perverts.)
Meanwhile, from the Useless Junk Email Department, Eversave Philadelphia wants Us to know that We can get 78% off on a cordless electric knife. We totally want one now. Oh, not for Our kitchen. To carry around in public. Can’t you just picture Us whipping that bad boy out of Our purse on the Broad Street Subway?
(Note to Self: get bigger purse.)
Fort Lee, We should also mention, lest you thought We were finished plugging Ourself (We HAVE to plug Ourself…no one else will) that LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour is actually going on tour! We shall be at Vagabond Acting Troupe’s Arts House Theater, somewhere called Honey Boo Boo, Pennsylvania, which, as near as We can tell from a map, appears to be in Amish country. You can find all the particulars regarding Our gig next Sunday, November 17, here:
Is Starzina gonna rock Zebediah’s Rumspringa, or what?
And now, the HorrorScope:
In other celebrity birthday news, in case you weren’t feeling old enough yet today, Will Smith apparently has a child named Trey (this is NOT the child who whips her hair back and forf). He turns twenty-one today.
Try to just chill out today, as much as you can. (There’s precious little “can” about it…have you seen the weather reports?)
You don’t have the right kind of energy (No shit.)
to exert your will on the world, but you can at least rest, heal up and get ready for the exciting times to come! (Indeed so! Amish Uranus! We’re guessing We don’t even have to shave Our legs!)
It’s time to do some reading between the lines. (It’s a one-woman show. In between the lines, We breathe.)
A friend who’s an expert at this can help you detect the signs, and then it’s time to figure out how, exactly, you’re going to handle this potentially sticky situation. (Oh, Zebediah, Zebediah, Zebediah….sticky, sticky Zebediah. It’s time to plow the back forty.)
Your conservative, practical side (Um…have you MET Us?)
may be in denial (We are NOT in denial.)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
that there’s something funny going on, (Not, of course, so much “funny: ha ha” as “funny: the Amish don’t usually glow in the dark”.)
(We have absolutely no idea what that meant.)
but on a more intuitive level, it’s hard to refute. (Also, on a more infuitive level, it’s hard to retoot.)
Remember that you don’t have to go out every single night! (Or, apparently, ANY single night.)
It’s perfectly okay to take a break and do as little as possible tonight. (You heard the lady.)
Slip into your favorite PJs and relax with something mindless. (That is a very mean way to talk about Zebediah.)
You’re sure to feel better in the morning. (Better than what?)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.