Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThird’sThirdThirstyHerpADerpThursday, November 7rd, 2013.
(We put that “HerpADerp” in there just to see if you were paying attention.)
Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Bryan, who does not EVEN turn twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. (That’s Bryan-With-A-“Y”, mind you, much like the Liza Minnelli song, “Liza With A Z”. (Or, as We have just this moment chosen to imagine it, “Bryan With A Y-Front”. Because there’s nothing like a cute boi in his tighty-whities to perk up an otherwise dreary day.))
(We should point out, as a disclaimer of sorts, that We have not actually SEEN Bryan in his tighty-whities, and, consequently, We have no idea of the degree of accuracy of the “Bryan With A Y-Front” moniker. (In view of Our recent spate of “Picturing Gentle Readers Naked” Weeks, We should also point out, disclaimer-wise, that We have not seen Bryan OUT OF his tighty-whities. (We should also point out that, prior to his receiving his notification that he was appearing in today’s e-pissode, We suspect that he was not one of Our habitual Gentle Readers.)))
(Now, of course, that he IS a Gentle Reader, at least for today, We shall feel free to picture him naked with reckless abandon. Possibly for an entire week. (THAT oughta keep him reading!))
Somewhere here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back, Bryan With A Y-Front just experienced a frisson.
(Oh, look it up.)
Having, in the past few paragraphs, used the words “moniker” and “frisson”, We shall inform you that, if We were (subjunctively) a str8 boi e-pisstler, this e-pisstle would at this juncture take a turn for the pornographic, with a story about a Frawnchwoman named “Monica Frisson”, and all of Our str8 boi Gentle Readers would pop boners.
Look at Bryan’s Y-front NOW!
(Can We make something out of nothing, or what?)
As a reward for sitting through all of that, here’s this, in which famous works of art come to life (not unlike, come (heh) to think of it, Bryan’s Y-front):
Changing gears completely, The Little Show That Could, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , will be returning for one night only this coming Sunday, November 10 at 7:30 at L’Etage. Get your tickets here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/499391 , before We go and get lost in the wilds of Oh Hai, Ohio.
Speaking of LOOKING FOR URANUS, did We mention yet that, in a fit of Madd Quotability, an audience member referred to Us as a “foul-mouthed, all-knowing goddess”? We are thinking of having T-shirts made…
And here is the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthdays, today is the birthday of both Billy Graham, who invented the Graham cracker, and Marie Curie, who invented the curio cabinet. It is a little-known yet significant fact that, in all of recorded history, no one has ever kept his or her Graham crackers in a curio cabinet.
Betcha wish We’d go back to Bryan’s Y-front NOW, don’t’cha?
Slow down! (DON’T TELL US WHAT TO DO! YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF US!! WE’VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF YOU!!!)
You can’t make as much progress as you would like today, (We can barely gress to begin with.)
and that could mean serious frustration when things start to get weird. (No, see, weird would be finding out that, instead of Y-fronts, Bryan wears pink lace panties that say “Tuesday”.)
(THAT would be weird.)
It’s a good time for you to go over your plans. (Let’s see…tomorrow, We’ve got laundry, world domination in the afternoon, and the murder mystery in the evening…not much on for today, though.)
There are too many strangers in your daily life, right now! (Oh, now, see…strangers are just naked people you haven’t met yet.)
(Actually, now that We type that out, it sounds downright neighborly, dunnit?)
It’s time for you to acknowledge those familiar faces and try to turn one or two of them into casual acquaintances. (Gray skies are gonna clear up; sit on a happy face…)
So smile and say hello the next time you stand next to that person in the elevator for the fiftieth time. (Especially if you’re carrying an open straight razor. Then, reach out and press the “Stop” button.)
(People LOVE that.)
They recognize you, you recognize them — so what’s the holdup? (That’s Bryan with a “Y”, not Brian with an “I”, ‘cause Brian with an “I” goes…)
(Okay, so the “Liza With A Z” song doesn’t really work with Bryan With A "Y".)
(Back to the underwear thing.)
It’s easy to break the ice. (And even easier to break the ice’s heart. No, really…tell the ice you just want to be friends.)
It’s all about living life to its fullest, and doing your best to connect with another human being. (Especially if that other human being is a Fuller™ Brush salesman.)
(We have no goddamn idea where that came from. We have no idea what a Fuller ™ Brush salesman even is, or if they still have them.)
(We just Googled “Fuller™ Brush salesman” on Wikipedia, and the results were every bit as boring as you might imagine. With the exception of the bizarre co-inky-dink that, before he invented the Graham cracker, Billy Graham was a Fuller™ Brush salesman.)
(That is a TRUE FACT. Because We do not make shit up here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!)
You’re so busy fretting about how you appear to others that you don’t let your natural, fabulous self shine. (Do We appear to you to be the sort of person who “frets”? We fret not, neither do We tat. If you prick Us, do We not bleed? Do We not wear mink-lined pink lace panties that say “Tuesday”?)
(Slap Us…We’re hysterical.)
Just chill and have fun — and be sure to disagree rather than simply nodding along. (We have no idea what that means, so We’re simply gonna picture Bryan’s birthday suit and sign off. Happy Bryan’s birthday suit to Juan Anne Dahl!)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.