Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, HookahDanangAniméAnew, VenuesChainsWithBenVereen’sNudeLegs, StiltLimeGunnerMitchWho?, November 19rd, 2013.
We brought that back ‘cause We got nothin’. It is apparently nobody’s birthday. Well, at least nobody that We know. And who else matters, really? Oh, sure, it’s Jodie Foster’s birthday, but she doesn’t call, she doesn’t write. Also, it’s Meg Ryan’s birthday. We’ll have what she’s having. And, last but not Lee Strasberg, it is Everybody’sFavoriteUnderwearDesigner Calvin Klein’s birthday. Which We are using as an excuse to make Our Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Roger Moore Nancy Drew one of Calvin Klein boytoy, Nick Gruber.
Speaking of boys in their underwear, you may recall, almost two weeks ago, Our birthday felicitations to Bryan, in which We pixtured him both in and out of his Y-fronts. (If you do NOT recall, please go here: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/11/so-spread-sunshine-all-over-place.html for what We promise you will be a much more entertaining e-pissode of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! than the one you are currently reading.)
Turns out, Bryan only saw said SitOnOurFaceBook posting yesterday. So that was a whole lot of wasted viZZZualization. We reckon We’re just gonna have to start pixturing Bryan’s birthday suit all over again.
Here We imagined These Young People were all up on their technology, and all the time Bryan’s been cramming 8-track tapes into his BetaMax™.
(Yes, that WAS a euphemism…thank you so much for noticing.)
Now if only We could get a few other folks to answer Our emails and texts…
And here’s the HorrorScope:
A phone call changes everything today (Will it change Our Tuesday panties? ‘Cause We’ve had ‘em on since last Tuesday…)
— so make sure your ringer is on and your battery is charged! (We’re pretty sure that, if you bought Our life at a toy store, it would have a big label on it that said, “Batteries Not Included”.)
(That was deep.)
(Not real meaningful, but real deep.)
It’s a good day for lateral thinking and flexible actions, (Does that sound vaguely dirty to you?)
so get ready for almost anything. (How exactly does One “get ready for almost anything”? Okay…on the count of three…get ready for tea with Queen Elizabeth…climbing Mount Kilimanjaro…and gender-reassignment surgery!)
(See? It can’t be done. And that was only three things. Stupid bitch.)
Communication isn’t a problem (Sez YOU.)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
— you’re able to make your points eloquently and succinctly. (Eloquently and Succinctly are, of course, two of the dwarves in Snow White and the Seven Really Gay Dwarves.)
That’s why saying what’s on your mind is a lot easier than usual these days. (Why would saying “what’s on your mind” ever be difficult? It’s not like it has a lot of esses, or is a tongue-twister, or anything? AssHatt.)
It helps to plan out what you’re going to say well in advance, but you manage to be quite convincing when you have to speak in front of a group of people on the spur of the moment. (We are desperately trying to come up with a “sperm of the moment” joke. We’ll get back to you.)
If you’re usually a shy person, (Whose horoscope is this, anyway?)
this is the ultimate time (Also, Ultimate Frisbee™ time.)
to stand up and say what’s been in your heart for a long, long time. (Blood.)
An offbeat, (Insert “beatoff” joke here.)
rather interesting event might offer much-needed insight when it comes to your love life. (Oh, so all We need is some insight, eh?)
Keep your eyes open for signs you might otherwise not see. (Like Slippery When Wet?)
A big decision only you can make is coming. (Yes, We WOULD like fries with that.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.