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Wednesday, November 6, 2013

And I have looked everywhere, from Arkansas to Akron…but Sugar, there’s no sugar substitute to substitute for saccharine

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, November 6st, 2013.  Happy Birthday to OurAmericanCousin Monica, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in Oh Hai, Ohio.  

Geographically challenged as We are, We find Ohio particularly challenging, as, if you were (subjunctively) to show Us an unmarked map of Ohio, (A.) We wouldn’t know it from Arkansas, South Carolina, or the Bronx, and (2.) while We could name any number of cities beginning with “C” that belong there, We would have no idea where to put them. (Although Our InterNetzian friend and colleague AstroGeek ( ) is pushing for Us to bring Our show there, so perhaps We should figger it out.)

Happy Birthday also to Peter, who also turns twenty-four today.  In Dellawhere.  Which is, no doubt, equally geographically confusing to geographically-challenged folks like Ourselves from different parts of the country, but which confuses Us, due to proximity, not one whit.

(Insert “Battle of whits with the unarmed” joke here.)

In other news, Dear SitOnMyFaceBook friends:  not only do We not care which Golden Girl you are; We also do not give a shit which Peanuts character you are most like.  KThxBye.

And this just in, SitOnMyFaceBook freaks: in answer to the latest annoying meme, “If I died tomorrow, what is the one thing you would always remember about me?”, We have just two things to say: (1.) your crappy grasp of the subjunctive, and (B.) try it and find out.

Changing gears completely, the aforementioned show, The Little Show That Could, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour ,  will be returning for one night only this coming Sunday, November 10 at 7:30 at L’Etage.  Get your tickets here:  , before We go and get lost in the wilds of Oh Hai, Ohio.

Speaking of LOOKING FOR URANUS, did We mention yet that, in a fit of Madd Quotability, an audience member referred to Us as a “foul-mouthed, all-knowing goddess”?  We are thinking of having T-shirts made…

We are fully flummoxed, and, frankly, flabbergasted, by the standstill to which Our “Picturing Gentle Readers Naked” Weeks program has screeched. Our efforts to be All The Rage (twenty-three skidoo!  Oh you kid!) and encourage The Sexting Like The Kidzs Do have come to naught, and We are at Our whit’s end (Yes, We ARE going to keep doing that till it’s funny…fuck you.)  Our latest candidates having failed Us for various reasons, We now feel it necessary to call for volunteers.  Anyone?  Beulah Bondi?

(We would imagine you all out there picturing Beulah Bondi naked, but We suspect very few of you know who the hell she was.)

And here is the HorrorScope:

Shouldn’t John Phillip Sousa’s birthday be in March?

You may meet someone new today who changes the way you think about your life. (No, but really: Shouldn’t John Phillip Sousa’s birthday be in March?)

(All of this funny is FREE in your morning email.  Lucky, lucky you!)

 Perhaps their cultural perspective is quite different from yours, (Fucking foreigners.)

or maybe they’re just extremely persuasive!  (Did We mention that We made meatballs yesterday?)

(Apropos of nothing, that was a  non sequitur.)

(Shouldn’t John Phillip Sousa’s birthday be in March?)

Do more today! (More what?)

More what, you might ask? (We just did.  AssHatt.)

 It doesn’t really matter. (Then why do it?)

You just need to start busy and stay busy all day long. (So, like a beaver, then?)

(Much like the Spanish Inquisition, nobody expected that beaver joke just then, did they?)

Being active will put a smile on your face (Being passive has its moments, too.)


(We are just batting a thousand, aren’t We?)

(Whatever the fuck “batting a thousand” means.  It is presumably some sports term.  Which, much like the geography of Ohio, makes it unfathomable.)

(Shouldn’t John Phillip Sousa’s birthday be in March?)

and help you make a lot of progress in a big project. (Oh, yeah…We’d be a BIG hit in The Projects.)

Action is your aim, and action is its own reward. (Those ten words could be rearranged in any order, and they would make just as little sense.)

There is nothing quite like the feeling you get when you ride a wave of momentum all day long — you will feel like you are invincible among your friends and irreplaceable among your coworkers.  (All together now:  Random “I” Words:  Interrogatory!  Indefatigable!  Iroquois!  Indianapolis!  Interstitial! ItsyBitsySpider!)

A tiny setback in your love life (Wait…We have a love life?)

may force you to take off the rose-colored spectacles (Wait…We have rose-colored spectacles?  Which Golden Girl does that make Us?)

and take a clearer view. (Okay, which penis character does it make Us?)

Make sure to ask a friend’s opinion to figure out what’s really going on. (Shouldn’t John Phillip Sousa’s birthday be in March?)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.