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Monday, November 4, 2013

My folks were always putting him down (down, down, down)

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMarilynMansonMonday, November 4st, 2013.

Happy Belated Birthday to Michael, who turned twenty-four this past weekend somewhere in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Also, Happy Belated Birthday to John, who also turned twenty-four this past weekend, also somewhere in (or at least near) The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Additionally also too, Happy Belated Birthday to Sean, who additionally also too turned twenty-four this past weekend, albeit somewhere in Greater Bostonia.

And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Belated Birthday also too to Charlie, who also too turned twenty-four (but, presumably, not in a tutu (also his butt, presumably, not in a tutu)) in, We just found out, WISCONSIN.  Which makes him the THIRD person We know all of a sudden in that particular state, of which, until recently, We had been blissfully unaware, except as That State Which Looks Confusingly Like Michigan, But Not As Confusingly As All Those Square States That You Can’t Tell If They’re Colorado Or Wyoming Or Some Random Dakota Other Than Fanning.

Gentle Readers with reasonably-lengthed attention spans will recall that, just this past Friday, We celebrated the twenty-fourth birthday of Jen, who is also a Wisconsonianite, and remarked upon the fact that she is sharing her state, at least temporarily, with Our friend MikeDoh, who is there competing in the preliminaries for the Miss Wisconsin Pageant, his dreams of becoming Miss Pennsylvania having recently been dashed by a differently-abled lesbian.
MikeDoh, you will further recall, is next in line to have his very own Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! “Picturing {InsertGentleReader’sNameHere} Naked” Week, immediately following Gentle Reader John from Arizona by way of Zimbabwe, whose twenty-fourth birthday was also Friday, and whose Being Pictured Naked Week will commence as soon as he opens the SitOnOurFaceBook message informing him of same.

Geography is difficult.

As is communication.

In other news, not that anyone pays any attention to Us, but, should you be unable to avoid encountering Us sometime soon for some reason, you should be aware that We are having a particularly bumpy transition into the shorter/colder days portion of Our yearly program.  KThxBye.

Changing gears completely, The Little Show That Could, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour ,  will be returning for one night only this coming Sunday, November 10 at 7:30 at L’Etage.  Get your tickets here:  . Dammit.

And here is the HorrorScope:

How, you might well ask, could anyone possibly be gloomy on Loretta Swit’s birthday?

Meanwhile, if you are on SitOnMyFaceBook and you have just discovered that Phyllis Diller is dead, please shut your fucking cakehole…she died on August 20, 2012.

You’re feeling upset — and for good reason!  (Indeed…it’s nuclear winter outside, and it will be dark at four o’clock this afternoon.)

People are acting like jerks today, (On the plus side, they are mostly being jerks by omission.  Which sounds like it should be akin to jerk-offs/emission, but it isn’t.)

but there’s not much you can do about it but lick your wounds. (Honey, if We could lick Our Own wounds, We’d never leave the house.  (Of course, given the time of year it is, We may never leave the house anyway.  At least till ‘long about April or May.))

Plotting revenge is for lesser mortals than you!  (That is, oddly enough, exACTly who We are plotting Our revenge on.)

This is not the time to leap outside of your comfort zone!  (Wait…We have a comfort zone?!?)

If you are not comfortable right now, you will not be happy.  (Well, that’s that, then.)

 Your emotions are driving you to make hasty decisions (Could We make hasty pudding instead?)

that might not be in your best interests in the long run, so resist the urge to start something new. (Also, why is AssHatt still talking, when the preceding sentence pretty much summed it all up?)

Later, you can start pushing yourself a little bit — to be more bold, more emotional, whatever. (So wait…We are pushing Ourself to be more whatever?  Why?)

That’s always invigorating, but it’s also dangerous, sometimes. (Being whatever is invigorating and dangerous?  We may have to go lie down…)

Just keep yourself busy with your daily routine for now.   (We may faint from the excitement.)

 Your eagerness to pursue fun and revelry is practically irresistible. (Whatever.)

People near you may feel like they can cut loose in a way they haven’t seen since childhood.  (Don’t poop your Pampers™, people.)

You’re leading the pack in a new way! (And that’s when We fell for…The Leader Of The Pack!)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.