Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMadgeTheManicuristMonday, November 25rd, 2013. Happy Birthday to OurAuntSandy, who turns twenty-four today. In Kansas. In, or at least near, Kansas City, Kansas. Which is like New York City, New York. Except that it’s in Kansas. And partially in Missouri. Which is very confusing. So actually, it’s nothing like New York City, New York whatsoever.
(We were about to speculate on why, since Kansas has Kansas City (or at least part of it), and New York has New York City, and even New Jersey has Jersey City, why then does Pennsylvania not have Pennsylvania City, but then We imagined having to fill out forms with “Pennsylvania City, Pennsylvania”, and We decided We’d rather send the whole fucking thing to Missouri.)
As We may have mentioned before within these e-pisstles, We are seriously geographically challenged. Which is no wonder, when you consider that, on Our trip to Kansas this summer, We discovered that, actually, sometimes We were in Kansas and sometimes We were in Missouri. And the ground did not conveniently change from one pastel color to another to tell Us the difference. We had lunch in Kansas City the day We left…We’re STILL not entirely sure what state We were in.
Speaking, meanwhile, of New York, New York, Happy Birthday also to Cole, who turns twenty-four up there in The City That Never Sleeps (With Us) today. Also too, Happy Birthday to Ed, who turns twenty-four right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.
In other news, Happy Belated Birthday to Jefrey, and Mark, and ATotallyDifferentSandyWhoIsNotOurAunt, each of whom turns twenty-four today in or near the environs of The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
And last but not Lee Strasberg, plunging Ourselves into a geographic panic attack, Happy Belated Birthday to Nat and Amanda, in Canada and Australia, respectively. Which, We are informed, are two totally different countries! Different countries, that is, from each other, AND from this one! We may have to go lie down…
Speaking of the weekend, We moved into Sagittarius during it, which means that We are once again sharing with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video with you (see above). Here is the link with which you may share it with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y
Meanwhile, may We please tell you (mais oui) that Bryan still has no idea that all last week was Picturing Bryan’s Birthday Suit Week? Whatever has happened to these children’s social media addictions?
And here’s the HorrorScope:
Speaking of different countries, it is Ricardo Montalban’s birthday today. He, of course, is from Fantasy Island. And speaking of Fantasy Island, it is also Gaspard Ulliel’s birthday. He is from Frawnce, by way of Heaven.
Your fiery energy is ready for almost anything today (Well, that’s good. Because We Our Own Self Personally are barely ready for the phrase “your fiery energy”.)
— so get ready for some crazy antics! (To say nothing of madcap antics! And zany antics! And wacky antics! And lesbian Aztecs! And Presbyterian fanfic! And sem antics!)
(Sorry…We lost control for a minute there.)
It’s a good day for you to step up and take charge of a situation that has been going nowhere. (Why do We feel as though she’s talking about Our life? Is “nowhere” the same place as “Hell in a handbasket”?)
Today you will have a great chance to turn up the heat in your romantic relationship and make things sizzle like they have never sizzled before! (Do things sizzle at Denny’s, or only at Sizzler? Inquiring minds want to know.)
All you have to do is think about what will make your partner smile and then do it ten times bigger than you normally would. (Okay, now, that’s just dirty.)
If you are not in a romantic relationship right now, you can still make a few changes. (Fine. We’ll switch hands.)
Surprise the people (SURPRISE!!!)
(Didn’t see THAT coming, didja?)
who are closest to you with your big gestures (Our middle finger is only but so big.)
and elaborate presentations. Whatever you do today, do it big! (Shouldn’t that be “bigly”? It’s an adverb, after all.)
(You did all sing “It’s an adverb after all” to the tune of “It’s A Small World After All”, didn’t you? Because, if not, We’ll wait while you go back…)
You go for both truth and dare today (Because We? Are a greedy bitch.)
when it comes to romance — you make amazing moves and tell it like it is in the sweetest ways. (You sweet fucker, Betty Crucker.)
It’s a hot way to play, (Not to mention a hard row to ho…)
so make the most of it. (Make the most of it BIGLY.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.