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Thursday, November 21, 2013

Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy…

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThird’sThirdThirstyThrowBackThursdayInThurgoodMarshall’sThermalUnderwearThat’sFunToWear, November 21, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Beth, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in El Lay.  Also, Happy Birthday to Dave, and also also Happy Birthday to John, each of whom turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.

Additionally also too, Happy Birthday to Joe, who turns twenty-four today in New York.  Yes, New York, New York.  The City That Never Sleeps (With Us).  The City So Nice, Miami Vice.

(What does that even MEAN?)

And additionally also too too, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Donny, who turns twenty-four today in North Carolina.  Now, Donny is not, of course, the only person We know in North Carolina…he is not even the only Scorpio We know in North Carolina (hi, Becky!).  He is, however, the only person We know in someplace called “Apex, North Carolina”.  Which is, presumably, across the tracks from “Nadir, North Carolina”.

Donny is also suspiciously incapable of having a bad photograph taken of himself.  So there’s that.

Speaking of boys in their underwear (how did THAT happen?),  you may recall, almost two weeks ago, Our birthday felicitations to Bryan, in which We pixtured him both in and out of his Y-fronts. (If you do NOT recall, please go here:  for what We promise you will be a much more entertaining e-pissode of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! than the one you are currently reading.)

Turns out, Bryan only saw said SitOnOurFaceBook posting three days ago.  So that was a whole lot of wasted viZZZualization.  We reckon We’re just gonna have to start pixturing Bryan’s birthday suit all over again. We are hereby declaring it Pixturing Bryan’s Birthday Suit Week.  (Put THAT in your Y-fronts and smoke it.))

Here We imagined These Young People were all up on their technology, and all the time Bryan’s been cramming 8-track tapes into his BetaMax™.

(Yes, that WAS a euphemism…thank you so much for noticing.)

Now if only We could get a few other folks to answer Our emails and texts…

And here’s the HorrorScope:

Today is the birthday of Carly Rae Jepsen.  Also, Bjork.  So We should all pretty much just go back to bed.  Alternatively, We could look at pictures of Donny while pixturing Bryan’s birthday suit.  That should work.

Try not to keep a lid on your emotions today (What if We keep the lid on, but promise to flip it?  Will that work?)

— you need to make sure that you’re expressing yourself clearly, even when that causes problems.  (Didn’t We just endure this same crappy advice yesterday?  We’re pretty sure We endured this same crappy advice yesterday…

And here, from yesterday, is the Instant Replay:

This isn’t a good time to send any mixed messages.  (No, indeed.  We need to speak The Queen’s begonias, so that We’re clear as acetaminophen.)

The people you’re dealing with at the moment need clear, concise statements from you and if you can’t seem to say what’s on your mind, write it down. (Perhaps We should mime it.  Because, as Marcel Marceau said, “                                                                                   “)

(That joke, unlike The Queen, just never gets old.)

They’re the kind of problems that lead to solutions!  (Isn’t saying that the problems lead to the solutions kind of like putting the cart before the whores?)

(Does the phrase “putting the cart before the whores” make anyone else think of Anne Hathaway in Less Miserable?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

(Here is Our review of that fillum, in case you missed it.  We guarantee it is more entertaining than this current e-pissode.  (That is, the REVIEW is more entertaining.  The fillum, not so much.)  : 

It’s true — you just can’t go home again. (They always SAY that, and it makes no damn sense.  Of COURSE you can go home again.  Otherwise, every time you left home, you’d have to buy a house.  Jeebus.)

Sure, moving home or back to where you came from is always a legitimate option to choose, but you can’t confuse a geographic return with an emotional return. (So do We understand you to say that you do NOT believe that Altoona would welcome Starzina with open arms?)

If you are looking for a sense of security and familiarity, you can’t recreate it — but you can create it.  (If you can create it once, why can’t you create it a second time?  Words have meanings, biz-natch.)

Time and patience are all it takes to build your own new hometown right where you are now.  (We suspect, however, that a couple of dollars wouldn’t hurt.)

 Instant relationships and instant families do not exist. (That’s why We have instant mashed potatoes.)

(No, We have no idea what We’re talking about.  Why do you ask?)

Give this thing time.  (Also, Bryan’s birthday suit.)

You’re somewhat interested in that new office cutie, but something’s not quite right. (Yeah.  The word “cutie”.  AssHatt.)

Ask them out anyway (Fine:  GET OUT!)

 — but keep it casual.  (Oh, okay:  GET OUT, MotherFucker!)

You just won’t know until you learn firsthand.  (Or do a small load by firsthand.  (Bryan’s birthday suit.))

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.