Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThird’sThirdThirstyThrowBackThursdayInThurgoodMarshall’sThermalUnderwearThat’sFunToWear,
November 21, 2013. Happy Birthday to
Beth, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in El Lay. Also, Happy Birthday to Dave, and also also
Happy Birthday to John, each of whom turns twenty-four today right here in The
City That Loves You (On Your) Back.
Additionally also too, Happy Birthday to Joe,
who turns twenty-four today in New York.
Yes, New York, New York. The City
That Never Sleeps (With Us). The City So
Nice, Miami Vice.
(What does that even MEAN?)
And additionally also too too, last but not
Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Donny, who turns twenty-four today in North
Carolina. Now, Donny is not, of course,
the only person We know in North Carolina…he is not even the only Scorpio We
know in North Carolina (hi, Becky!). He
is, however, the only person We know in someplace called “Apex, North Carolina”. Which is, presumably, across the tracks from “Nadir,
North Carolina”.
Donny is also suspiciously incapable of
having a bad photograph taken of himself.
So there’s that.
Speaking of boys in their underwear (how did THAT happen?), you may recall, almost two weeks ago, Our
birthday felicitations to Bryan, in which We pixtured him both in and out of
his Y-fronts. (If you do NOT recall, please go here: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/11/so-spread-sunshine-all-over-place.html
for what We promise you will be a much
more entertaining e-pissode of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! than the one you are
currently reading.)
Turns out, Bryan only saw
said SitOnOurFaceBook posting three days
ago. So that was a whole lot of
wasted viZZZualization. We reckon We’re
just gonna have to start pixturing Bryan’s birthday suit all over again. We are
hereby declaring it Pixturing Bryan’s Birthday Suit Week. (Put THAT in your Y-fronts and smoke it.))
Here We imagined These Young
People were all up on their technology, and all the time Bryan’s been cramming
8-track tapes into his BetaMax™.
(Yes, that WAS a
euphemism…thank you so much for noticing.)
Now if only We could get a few other folks to
answer Our emails and texts…
And here’s the HorrorScope:
Today is the birthday of Carly Rae
Jepsen. Also, Bjork. So We should all pretty much just go back to
bed. Alternatively, We could look at
pictures of Donny while pixturing Bryan’s birthday suit. That should work.
Try not to keep a lid on your emotions today (What
if We keep the lid on, but promise to flip it?
Will that work?)
— you need to make sure that you’re
expressing yourself clearly, even when that causes problems. (Didn’t We just endure this same crappy advice
yesterday? We’re pretty sure We endured
this same crappy advice yesterday…
And here, from yesterday, is the Instant
Replay:
This isn’t a good time to send any mixed messages.
(No, indeed. We need to speak The Queen’s begonias, so that We’re
clear as acetaminophen.)
The people you’re dealing with at the moment need clear,
concise statements from you and if you can’t seem to say what’s on your mind,
write it down. (Perhaps We should mime it. Because, as Marcel Marceau
said, “
“)
(That joke, unlike The Queen, just never gets old.)
They’re the kind of problems that lead to
solutions! (Isn’t saying that the
problems lead to the solutions kind
of like putting the cart before the whores?)
(Does the phrase “putting the cart before the
whores” make anyone else think of Anne Hathaway in Less Miserable? Just
Us? Alrighty, then.)
(Here is Our review of that fillum, in case
you missed it. We guarantee it is more entertaining
than this current e-pissode. (That is,
the REVIEW is more entertaining. The
fillum, not so much.) :
It’s true — you just can’t go home again. (They
always SAY that, and it makes no damn sense.
Of COURSE you can go home again.
Otherwise, every time you left home, you’d have to buy a house. Jeebus.)
Sure, moving home or back to where you came
from is always a legitimate option to choose, but you can’t confuse a
geographic return with an emotional return. (So do We understand you to say
that you do NOT believe that Altoona would welcome Starzina with open arms?)
If you are looking for a sense of security
and familiarity, you can’t recreate it — but you can create it. (If you can create it once, why can’t you
create it a second time? Words have meanings,
biz-natch.)
Time and patience are all it takes to build
your own new hometown right where you are now.
(We suspect, however, that a couple of dollars wouldn’t hurt.)
Instant relationships and instant families do
not exist. (That’s why We have instant mashed potatoes.)
(No, We have no idea what We’re talking
about. Why do you ask?)
Give this thing time. (Also, Bryan’s birthday suit.)
You’re somewhat interested in that new office
cutie, but something’s not quite right. (Yeah.
The word “cutie”. AssHatt.)
Ask them out anyway (Fine: GET OUT!)
— but
keep it casual. (Oh, okay: GET OUT, MotherFucker!)
You just won’t know until you learn
firsthand. (Or do a small load by
firsthand. (Bryan’s birthday suit.))
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate
entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries),
which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and
won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate
in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is
absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal
blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the
Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets
and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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