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Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Something bad is happening…

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  Wednesday Addams, October 26, 2011.  If you are not old enough to know who Wednesday Addams is, We are afraid We cannot help you.  We are not feeling especially helpful today.  We feel, if you must know the truth, like complaining.  Unfortunately, the major thing about which We wish to complain is something We are unable to share with you publicly. (Or pubicly, but that’s a whore of a different cholera.  (In other news, didja know that “pubicly” was actually a word?  Pubic-LEE…Pubic-LAH…PubicLice…Pubic-ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha…))  Suffice it to say, something bad happened,  and then We thought something else bad had happened, but it turns out, something even worse had happened, and We’re not even allowed to complain about it.

How is that fair?

So, to get even, We’re going to complain about something else entirely.

But first, before We forget, Happy Hump Day.

Now back to complaining.  We are going to complain about being unable to change the light bulbs in Our bathroom.  (This will teach The Universe to prevent Us from complaining about the things We really want to complain about.)  Picture, if you will (or even if you won’t…it’s OUR complaint; what the fuck makes you think it’s all about you?), a big round tit.  At least a C-cup, possibly a D.  No sag whatsoever, with as much globularity above the nipple as below.  And, speaking of the nipple, a nipple of a tasteful size, proportionate to the tit without being grotesquely large its own self.

(Suddenly We perceive that Our str8 boi readers don’t really mind Us complaining this morning.)

Now picture said tit protruding from Our bathroom ceiling.  (Sorry, str8 bois).  The tit is the globe of the light fixture, and the nipple is the piece you have to unscrew to get the tit off and replace the light bulbs.  Except in Our particular case, the nipple will not budge.  That is to say, We can turn the tit, but not the nipple.  (There is definitely a song in there somewhere.)  We first discovered this last night, and wound up giving up, peeing in the dark (another song), and going to bed.  So far this morning, We have tried every improvised Hint From Hell, Louise that We can think of, but the nipple cannot be moved.

Surely one of Our Gentle Readers has a nipple-moving suggestion.  Please?

Speaking of tits, Charlene Tilton continues to Google herself (does that sound dirty?), and that episode of Erix Daily Horoscope with her pixture in it is getting twenty or thirty hits a day.  Perhaps she has a titty-twisting technique to share with Us.  Of course, according to Our Google-O-Meter, people are also arriving here by searching things such as “unexpected rowing team boner”, so what the hell do We know? (Actually, We know that if We ran across an unexpected rowing team boner, We wouldn’t so much care that Our bathroom light was out.)

And no, We are not making ANY of this up.

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for:  Charlene Tilton’s Barbara Bel Geddes impersonation.  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

You need to try something new — so make sure your energy is ready for the regeneration that’s coming.  (That sounds awfully complicated for somebody who can’t even change a light bulb.)

See if you can take some downtime to plot your next move. (We shall no doubt have eventually to break the tit, then go to the tit store to buy a new tit. (Micro$oft Weird™ is suggesting that We might want to change “break the tit” to “break the tie”.  Micro$oft Weird™ can suck Our tit.))

(We are pretty sure We’ve never been this caught up in titz in here before. Str8 bois with boners, as far as the eye can see.)

Things are looking up!  (Of COURSE they are!  There’s a giant tit in Our bathroom ceiling.)

It’s a topsy-turvy day as far as personalities are concerned. (Well, that certainly clears everything right up.  Fortunately, We have no personality.)

The people around you will be behaving in some unexpected ways  (Hey, they can do anything they want as long as they figger out how to change Our fucking light bulbs.)

— and you will, too. (Also, Good Will Hunting. Because most days can be at least marginally improved by picturing Matt Damon naked. We personally are currently improving Our day (marginally) by picturing Matt Damon naked, standing on Our toilet changing Our light bulb.)

 If someone who is usually introverted suddenly starts talking a mile a minute and trying to become the center of attention, play along. (On the other hand, if someone who is unusually perverted starts screwing light bulbs into Uranus, run like hell in the other direction.)

Be more submissive than you usually would be, (ExSQUEEZE Us?)

and let this person have what she or he is asking for. (Wait…We don’t even know what gender they are, and We’re gonna give ‘em whatever they want?  Not bloody likely, Ducks.)

It will be a valuable learning experience.  (Speaking of running in the other direction.)

Feeling uncomfortable about how to take your crush to the next level?   (Oddly enough , of all the things We had planned to worry about today, that wasn’t one.  Till now.  Thanks.  Bee-yotch.)

Instead of worrying over what you should or shouldn’t do, just go for it. (Oh, well then.  If you say so.)

Time’s a wasting! (Okay, “time’s a wasting”?  Just makes Us want to kick a puppy.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.