Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Yesterday’s Tomorrow, October 28, 2011. We just dropped in (to see what condition your condition was in…yeah-yeah-oh, yeah…what condition your condition was in…(Oh, is that song stuck in your head now? Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)) to let you know that absolutely nothing has improved since yesterday, and several things have gotten worse. Don’t you feel better by comparison now? You’re welcome.
And now, for the cunning linguists in the house, a little lesson in speaking in tongues. Today’s tongue: Pennsylvania Dutch. (Which remindz Us (clearly, We are speaking Pennsylvania Dutch already, as We have typed “reminds” with a Z (not “Lisa” with an S, ‘cause Lisa with an S goes SSS not ZZZ (if any one of Our str8 boi readers got that joke, We owe you a bl0wjob.)): We were at the farmers’ market on Wednesday, and the gay Amish boy wasn’t there. Every time We think We have it rough, We imagine this poor boy being gay AND Amish. Talk about a hard row to hoe. (You can take that last bit any way you like.)
But We digress (you’re shocked, We know). Today’s Pennsylvania Dutch lesson: today’s weather? Should be UpAssShovened. Also, Our Google-O-Meter informs Us that We’ve had two readers so far this morning from the BAHAMAS. Those two readers from the Bahamas? Can MyCockSucken.
Here endeth the lesson. Spanx™ beat your dog.
And now, the HorrorScope. (What, you expected another gratuitous Charlene Tilton reference? Why? She doesn’t call, she doesn’t write…)
You’re meeting new people today (We certainly hope not.)
— your social energy is drawing them closer. (Our leprosies, let Us show them to you.)
It’s one of those days (Damn skippy.)
(What? “Skippy” is not a word?!? Apparently, choosy spellcheckers choose Jif™. (Actually, We just noticed that “Skippy” with a capital S is accepted by the spellchecker. (‘Cause Skippy with an S goes SSS not ZZZ. (Line up and assume the position, str8 bois.))))
when you can tell that you’re the right person to show that new cutie around town! (How far “around town” do you imagine We’re gonna get in Our bathrobe?)
Today you might find yourself playing devil’s advocate a lot more than you usually do. (Actually, We plan to alternate between playing the devil’s aardvark and the devil’s aspidistra.)
(This space intentionally left blank, to give you all time to go Google “aspidistra” on Wikipedia.)
Conflict can sometimes be scary for you, but right now you’re eager to hear people defend their beliefs and to have them try to persuade you. (You lost Us at “eager”.)
You’re not afraid of confrontation — in fact, it will make you feel empowered. (Oh, gawd, We hope not.)
It’s a great day for a debate or a conversation with someone who intimidates you. (Yeah. ‘Cause THAT sounds like a good time.)
Your lack of attention (Sorry…what did you say?)
to those who need more than your usual head (Jigga WHAT?)
is beginning to look insensitive. (Tough fucking shit you retarded fat-assed wanker.)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
Today, check in with those closest to you for the latest updates on their own sagas. (We don’t have to pretend to care, do We? Because that? Sounds like a lot of work.)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.