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Friday, May 13, 2011

Everything is beautiful at the ballet

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, May 11, 2011.  A VERY belated happy birthday to Pat, who turned twenty-four this past weekend, a fact which We forgot to remember on Monday.  (Forgetting to remember: easy.  Remembering to forget: difficult.  Sigh.)  Also, happy birthday to Christine, who turns twenty-four today, a fact to which We were alerted by SitOnMyFaceBook.  (We are, of course, The Queen Of Social Media, and you are cordially invited to kiss Our scepter at your earliest convenience.)

But enough of all these birthdays and such.  Whaddaya think this is, a horoscope or something? (We have been practicing Our American accent.  For when We become famous and go on the telly.  Hence the “whaddaya”.  How are We doing so far, Ducks?) We are, as of this writing, just NINE DAYS AWAY from an announcement of such earth-shattering proportions that it will, well, shatter your earth.  And change the face of WorldWideInterWebNetzian entertainment for, like, ever. (We have noticed that you Yanks use the word “like” a lot.  Totally randomly and inappropriately.  So cute.)  Our lips are virtually aquiver (get your minds out of the gutter, str8 bois) with the overwhelming desire (what did We JUST SAY?) to spill the beans early.

But no.

Moving on, as regards today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Marlene Dietrich As Rendered By Pablo Picasso, she may indeed be “a bag of trouble”.  Her eyelash glue seems to have glued her eyes shut, her lips are colored WAY outside the lines, and her hair appears to have been manufactured by Goodyear™. Add to that the fact that her mother has named her Syphilis-Gonorrhea, and clearly nothing good will come of associating with her misguided self.  But enough about McDonna.

Speaking of media, over the weekend, We watched I Love You, Phillip Morris.  Why couldn’t they have made this movie about ten years ago, before Jim Carrey’s looks had totally gone, and before Ewan Mcgregor had turned into Roddy McDowall?  We also, in a desperate effort to be cultured, watched The Black Swan (why, no, We don’t ever have dates.  How could you tell?), which only served to confirm Our belief that ballet is very silly.

On the subject of dance, however, today is also Martha Graham’s birthday, a fact which We would not ordinarily mention except that it is worth a visit to to see how they have changed their logo in honor of the occasion.

It is also Hump Day, and We would wish you a happy one, but you never seem to include Us.

Apres moi, le splooge…er, le HorreurScope:

You’ve got too much to handle right now (Was that a fat joke?)

 — which is weird for you! (And no one can handle The Weird like We can.)

 If you can delegate, now is the time to pass along some of the detail work to someone you can trust. (Now re-read the preceding sentence, and change “delegate” to “defecate”.  Much funnier, no?  Poop!)

If not, get busy!  (Heh.  Poop!)

Scheduling conflicts may seem insurmountable today (What’s so difficult about scheduling some conflicts?  We do it all the time.)

— take a break now and things may free up, (Poop!)

(This is one of those days when We feel really bad for anyone who is reading Erix Daily Horoscope for the first time.  Not, of course, bad enough to stop saying “Poop!”, but still…bad.)

making a compromise possible. (Compromises are all well and good, but compromising positions are better.)

Be prepared to give a little bit more than everyone else (So what else is new?)

— your willingness to be flexible will be remembered by people who can make things happen down the road. (Our “flexibilities”…let Us show them to you.)

One of your most ambitious goals feels like it’s getting tougher today. (Honey, “impossible” has neither a comparative nor a superlative.  Discuss.)

(The preceding was deep, literary, and highbrow, in a desperate effort to atone for all the “poop!” earlier.  Our epic failures, let Us show them to you.)

It’s time to swallow your pride (If We could do THAT, We’d never leave the house.)

and ask for the help you know you need.  (We would, but people don’t return Our phone calls.)

You need to use your energy in your love life right now.  (Well, duh.  This doll ain’t gonna inflate ITSELF.)

Create some sweet momentum (Is that a euphemism?)

and get ready to meet someone amazing. (Grace? Kreskin? Racist?)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.