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Tuesday, May 31, 2011

I’m bringin’ sexy back

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, May 31, 2011.  Presumably, you all remembered to take Memorial Day off, as We heard nary a peep in response to Our Erix Daily Horoscope Holiday Edition.  Of course, had We (subjunctively) heard a peep, We might possibly have become confused and thought that the holiday in question was Easter. And Gawd only knows what All those hidden eggs must smell like by now. (Probably much like they smelled when they were first hard-boiled: poop.)

But enough about holidays and poop.  Most of you are no doubt back at your places of enjoyment, shoulders to the wheel, noses to the grindstone, nipples to the wind, and tits akimbo.  And here We are, your breath of fresh hair, your queef of comic relief, making your lives seem ever so much better by comparison.  And do We ask for anything in return?  Well, quite frankly, yes.  But it’s not like you’ll break a nail or anything.

In words of one syllable, (for the polysyllabically-challenged):

Watch film.

Click “LIKE”.

Send link to all your friends.

Is that too much to ask?   Well, IS IT???

Additionally, please get your tickets NOW for The WaitStaff’s Real Housewives of South Philly  at Helium Comedy Club at 8PM  Wednesday, June 1th:

Smokey the Bear is wearing pants.  What’s up with that?  And is it just Us, or does he look like Wilfred Brimley?

Clearly, a Wilfred Brimley reference means We must start the horoscope immMEEDjutly.  (Also, that We must start Treating Our diabeetuss. Possibly with Rice Krispie™ treats.)

Communication is auspicious today, (Which is lovely, unless One has a lisp.)

and you may want to reach out to as many people as you can. (Wasn’t it AT&T whose advertising slogan used to be “reach out and fu(k someone”?  How they got away with that in a country that freaked out over Janet Jackson’s nipple, We’ll never know. (The price of celebrity and fame is high, as Starzina knows only too well, but one wonders at the extra burden Miss Jackson (if you’re nasty) carries, having an iconic nipple and all.  Does the iconic nipple get hard more often?  Does the other nipple feel left out?  As her boobies droop ever further knee-wards, will the knee on the iconic nipple’s side become iconic by association?  Is Justin Timberlake, in general, iconic by association?  And could somebody please name their next album Iconic by Association, because, now that We’ve thought it up, it’s entirely too brilliant to let go to waste.))

(These are the sorts of things We sit and ponder in Our desperate effort to improve the quality of your lives.  You’re welcome.)

Technology can be a big help, (If it’s plugged in.)

 so explore new means of getting the message to the masses.  (Oh, dear.  And here We were, bringing massage to the messes.  Our bad.)

Someone is looking for an intriguing influence or inspiration, (The phrase, as recently coined, was “Iconic by Association”.  Learn it, live it, love it.)

and given your stature within the group, (Was that a fat joke?)

you could fit the bill perfectly. (Who is this “Bill” of whom you speak?)

A surge of confident energy hits you (Ouch!)

either today or tomorrow, and it helps you realize how much influence you truly have. (Oh, trust Us, We know exACTly how much influence We have.  We can hear the crickets chirping from here.)

Important people are paying attention to you right now, (That’s what happens when you poop in their shoes.)

(Heh.  Didn’t see THAT one coming, didja?)

and you might not be noticing how many questions they’re suddenly asking. (Although We’re betting “why the hell did she poop in our shoes?” is right up there at the top of the list.)

There are plans in the works — and your name keeps popping up.  (Our name pops out at parties.  Because it’s unpoopular.)

Impressing people isn’t easy, (But depressing them is child’s play.  And compressing them is fairly simple, too, as long as you have a trash compactor.)

but today you’ve got at least a few people hanging on your every word. (Well, you know what they say: No noose is good noose.  (They don’t ACTUALLY say that.   We just made it up.  Funny, sure, but it’s no “Iconic by Association”.))

Your insights inspire those who need it, which makes you one hot property! (Great…just what people are looking for today, something to make them hotter.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.