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Monday, May 23, 2011

Everybody go surfin’, surfin’ USA

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, May 23, 2011.  Happy birthday to Richard, who turns twenty-four today.  The Big Story On Action News around these parts has been, of course, the release of Our first-ever vlog, Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope, which, if you happen to have been living under a rock, can be seen here:  Please don’t be shy about clicking the “Like” button, adding to your Favorites, leaving scintillating comments, and sharing with your friends.   We Our Own Self Personally are leaving it in conjunction with birthday felicitations on the SitOnMyFaceBook pages of everyone having a birthday this month.  Because We’re annoying like that.

In other news, here at Casa de CabbageRoses, We are sick. Or, as the kidz say, “We be illin’”.  By “We”, of course, We mean “The Royal We”, as in “Us”, not “We plural”, which would include Himself.  Himself is happily snoring away.  We, on the other hand, are at Death’s door.  Which is revolving. And has really big knockers. 

Okay, We may be exaggerating a Wee Tad.  (Who is this Tad, and does he get upset when everyone refers to him as “Wee”?)   We think We may have turned the corner last night, when We woke up freezing in the middle of the night.  We suspect this means that Our fever broke.  We then had a very pleasant dream about flying to California.  In an airplane.

How many of you are still trying to picture a revolving door with really big knockers?

So what are the chances those religious fruitcakes who mispredicted The Rapture will shut their stupid cakeholes and leave decent folks alone for a while?  Maybe they could all get together and drink some lovely Jim Jones Kool Aid™.  Jolly Olly Orange, Goofy Grape, Sweet Sweet Cyanide…

Lest you think We are a complete heathen, We have been contemplating, of late, building an ark.  Noah’s Ark II: Back To The Beach.  We are thinking a lot fewer animals and a lot more boys in Speedos™.  Meanwhile, just another biblical story that makes no god-damned (heh) sense.  Two of each kind of animal, you say?  And none of them ate each other?  And you just HAD to take along mosquitoes?  And snakes?  And scorpions?  And where exactly were the dinosaurs at this particular juncture in creationist claptrap?  Jeebus.

Meanwhile, if you have a hankering (and, if you have, We suggest you see your doctor) to see Himself make a fool of Himself in public, the WaitStaff will be performing Real Housewives of South Philly II: Back to the Beach on Wednesday, June 1th at 8PM at Helium Comedy Club.  Their previous engagement there sold out, so you will want to obtain your tickets quickly, by going here:  We are told that, in addition to the usual Real Housewives antics, something called “Beautiful Women’s Support Group” is well worth the price of admission.

Like sands through the hourglass, these are the scopes of Our whores:

You may be at your best when you’re on your own, (But who’s around to know?)

but right now, you need to team up or join a group. (Didn’t We already say “Beautiful Women’s Support Group”?  To say nothing of Beautiful Women’s Support Hose?)

(Micro$oft Weird™ is totally down with the “Women’s” in “Beautiful Women’s Support Group”.  However, it wants Us to change the “Women’s” in “Beautiful Women’s Support Hose” to “Women is”.   Which could never, ever be correct.  Excuse Us, please; this women is having her head explode.)

(“This women is having her head explode” did not get flagged for a single error.   We give up.)

Your leadership is appreciated, and you should find that you’ve got what you need to really take off! (So the group We’re joining is a group of strippers?  There’s a misguided plan if ever We’ve heard one.)

 Has it ever occurred to you that even if you don’t achieve all your goals, you’re still better for trying?  (No.  Because then you’re a failure.  If you didn’t try, you didn’t fail.  Although you did, naturally, fail to try.  But you didn’t fail to succeed.)

Compare yourself with people who admit defeat before they even get out of bed in the morning (What the hell are they being defeated at in bed? (The thrill of victory, and the agony of de smell of de feet.))

— you have a lot to be proud of. (Was that a fat joke?)

Your past efforts might not have taken you exactly where you wanted to be today, (“You post e-farts”…a revolutionary new way to comment on SitOnMyFaceBook.  Now in Smell-O-Vision™.)

(Hey, YouPeople left Us unsupervised all weekend.  Don’t blame Us for sniffing glue.)

but they took you in the right direction. (Lefty loosey, righty tighty whitey erection.)

(Sometimes you feel like a nut; sometimes you feel like a nutcracker.)

(We have no idea.)

When it comes to romance, you want everything to happen instantly (We were on Our way to a Premature Ejaculators meeting, but We came too early.)


— but you don’t need that pressure! (Don’t tell Us what We need.)

Remind yourself that good things come to those who wait, so you can just slow down and enjoy the journey.  (Whatevs.  Go watch Our video.  Like, favorite, comment, share.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.