Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ThurzDee, June 7, 2012. This just in from OurShaun in London. England. YooKay: The Queen’s birthday shenanigantics were interrupted today by dictionary.com, who declared that “natch” is now a bona fide word. “Natch”, for those of you unfamiliar with the vernacular, is how ‘tards say “snatch”.
(Just be glad We didn’t go off on Our “bonerfied” riff.)
As you can see, We got nothin’. It is, however, a beautiful day in the neighborhood.
Speaking of boners, the WaitStaff will be playing The Natch Game again by popular demand tonight and tomorrow night at 7:30 at L’Etage at 6th & Bainbridge. And We expect an enormous turnout in honor of the passing of the late, great Richard Dawson. Reservations are strongly suggested, and can be obtained here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/250950 , although there will most likely be a few tickets left at the door. Plus, you never know who will be working the door at one of these events. So Dew Drop Inn. Find more info on Our SitOnMyFaceBook event here: http://www.facebook.com/events/429387893745900/ Be there or be square.
Here’s the HorrorScope:
Astrology.com would have Us believe that it is still Michael Cera’s birthday…what is he, The Queen of England?
Your drive (Our what?)
and motivation (These things aren’t even words! “Natch” is a word! “Nachos” is a word! “Not yo’ natch’s nachos” is a sentence! Granted, it’s a totally ‘tardy sentence, but still! Sentence!)
are everything right now — and you should find that your energy is best spent sparingly. (Not only that, but We’d better get change back.)
Focus it all in one direction and you should see great dividends soon! (Oh, sure. The old “great dividends” trick.)
Today, as it should be on most days, your reputation must be your top concern. (We led with a snatch joke…We’re pretty sure Our “reputation” is toast.)
So don’t take any short cuts, don’t cut any corners, and don’t move forward on any projects with less than total focus. (Wow. “Don’t”, “don’t”, “don’t”. Listen to Nancy The Negative Natch, here.)
You are being watched right now, (NOW you tell Us. After We’ve already scratched Ourself inappropriately.)
and your choices will be scrutinized to a nearly ridiculous degree. (Fortunately, “Ridiculous” is Our middle name. “Dick”, for short.)
But you don’t have to be nervous, because you are on the right path, doing the right thing. (We were in the right place, but it must’ve been the wrong time.)
(Heh. She said “Dick”.)
Just keep on keeping on and save your lazier attitude for another day. (1969 called…it wants its horoscope back.)
It’s understandable to be concerned about what others think, (Wait…there are others? And they’re allowed to THINK?!?)
but you’ve also got to follow your heart (Follow your nose, it always knows the flavor of fruit, wherever it goes.)
and be true to yourself. (Also, your school. Be true to your school. Whatever the fuck THAT means.)
Carefully consider your core values when it comes to love decisions now. (Whatevs.)
(See you all at The Natch Game!!!)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.