Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WinzDee, June 6, 2012. Happy Hump Day. Also, Happy D Day. Or, to consolidate, Happy Hump D Day. Or, to elaborate, Happy Hump D Dump D Day. Which reminds Us, of course, of the old nursery rhyme: Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn’t fuzzy, was he?
Nursery rhymes make very little sense. No wonder children are so stupid.
In other news, happy birthday to Bill, who turns twenty-four today. Why, it seems like just yesterday that he was twenty-three. Sigh. Thyme fries while you’re halving buns.
If a brand of vodka starts following One on Twitter, is that a sign of a problem?
We have precious little else to report. After a rather peculiar start, Our week is chugging merrily uphill, much like The Little Engine That All The King’s Horses And All The King’s Men Couldn’t Put Back Together Again (We never understood THAT nursery rhyme, neither).
Speaking of scrambled eggs, (hey, try to keep up) the WaitStaff will be playing The Match Game again by popular demand tomorrow, June 7 and Friday, June 8, at 7:30 at L’Etage at 6th & Bainbridge. And We expect an enormous turnout in honor of the passing of the late, great Richard Dawson. Reservations are strongly suggested, and can be obtained here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/250950 Find more info on Our SitOnMyFaceBook event here: http://www.facebook.com/events/429387893745900/ Be there or be square.
In other news, is there anyone who did not imagine that Ray Bradbury had been dead for years? (With the possible exception of, oh, say, Ray Bradbury?)
In other other news, today is also Michael Cera’s birthday. Angelina Jolie…Marky Mark…Michael Cera. Yeah, that’s about right.
Here’s the HorrorScope:
You may not be totally sure of yourself this morning, (This is what happens when you wake up imaginary.)
but by the end of the day, (You’re another day older?)
you should feel much more confident. (Well, We’ll see…)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
(Eventually, We will become famous, and “see what We did there?” will become A Thing, like “what would Jesus do?” (We suspect, however, that We’ll still have trouble with “too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.”))
Even if things don’t look good, believe in yourself and you can win! (Well, not if you’re imaginary. If you believe in yourself, and you’re imaginary, We’re pretty sure you lose.)
If you’ve been seeking success and finding frustration, today is the day to consider a few new tactics. (What if you’ve been seeking failure, and succeeding? Then what have you done?)
Look at all the possible ways you could handle this situation. (It takes two hands to handle a Whopper™.)
(We’re just sayin’.)
(See, you only THINK that’s a complete non sequitur. But it is Michael Cera’s Birthday, and sometimes those geeky types are hung like stallions. We’re just sayin’….)
Then choose the option that you find the most intimidating. (We’ll take Michael Cera’s Enormous Member for $500, Alex.)
Subliminally, (Precious little “subliminally” about it…We said “Enormous Member” right out loud.)
(We were certain, upon typing “precious little”, that We had already used that phrase once in today’s e-pisstle, so We went searching for it. Upon not finding it, We rooted through several of the preceding e-pissodes, and didn’t find it there either. So either We have mixed it up with the nursery rhyme “Precious Chicken Little”, or We are losing what passes for Our mind.)
you may have been seeing opportunity as pressure, and have thus been preventing yourself from taking a challenge because you were afraid you would fail. (And again We say, what if We were TRYING to fail, and were afraid We would succeed?)
But you’re much more capable than you give yourself credit for. (We’d like to think We can wear a cap just as well as anyone.)
(Wait for it…THERE ya go!)
Be confident! (Shut up!)
Romance happens early on (Early on what?)
— it’s just what you need to start the day off right. (We’ve been up for hours…unless one of Our multiple personalities emerges, there’ll be precious chicken little romance around these parts.)
A sexy email or prolonged eye contact at the coffee shop make your heart flutter. (And nothing says “romance” like a defibrillator.)
Take advantage of the situation now, before the window of opportunity closes. (Not to mention the porthole of possibility. (Did that sound dirty, or was it just Us?))
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.