Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for FriedDay, June 22, 2012. Happy birthday to Chris, who turns twenty-four today. Also, happy birthday to Mark, who also turns twenty-four today. And Happy Gay Pride to Our NewYorkianese friends.
Oh, my dears! Things are looking up here at Casa de KiKiForCocoaPuffs™! Several things are about to fall into place for Us…naturally, We can’t tell you about any of them, lest We jinx them, but suffice it to say, FiFi d’Orsay, that, if We play Our cards just right, We may become an overnight success just about the time We’re ready to retire.
To distract you from that mystery, Miss Marple, here’s this Soap Opera Name Generator. http://www.hlntv.com/interactive/2012/06/12/whats-your-soap-opera-name When We put in Himself’s name, We get “Austin Pertucci”. When We put in Our Own Personal name, We get “Harlow Hall”. Just for shitz and gigglez, We tried Iris Holcombe (“Krystal Grecko”) and Jesus Christ (“Gabriel Hart”). Obviously, We are easily amused. Just as obviously, We want you to input your own personal name and send Us your results. Because We are starved for attention and live entertainment.
Some piece of spam wants to know if We need Our roof replaced…is that a euphemism with which We are unfamiliar?
In still other news, The Match Game : playing it We shall be on Friday, July 13 and Saturday, July 14, at 7:30, at L’Etage. The SitOnMyFaceBook event is here: http://www.facebook.com/events/234467316672300/ and tickets can be gotten here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/255809 . Be there, or be BLANK.)
But The Big Story On Action News….this has been quite the week for celebrity birthdays. Despite starting off with WhoTheFuckIsBlakeShelton, We then had Paula Abdul, Nicole Kidman, and His Royal Heinie, Prnce William. But that was all just a warm-up for today. It is completely unclear why it isn’t a national holiday…how dare any workplace be doing business-as-usual on Meryl Fucking Streep’s birthday?!?!?
(Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to know that, while “Meryl” and “Fucking” are words, “Streep’s” is not. Seriously, Micro$oft Weird™? On her BIRTHDAY?)
Here’s the HorrorScope:
Your intuitive powers are kind of hit or miss (We had a feeling that was the case.)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
(Meanwhile, We just chanced to glance back a few paragraphs…since when is “heinie” not a word?)
— but on a day like today, you should find them working quite well! (Well, don’t act so surprised about it!)
It’s almost spooky (Also, kreepy and kooky, and altogether ooky.)
(We had initially misremembered that as “krazy and kooky”, but We did the research and corrected Ourself, because that’s the kind of klassy professional operation this is. Bitches.)
how they seem to keep you one step ahead of the competition. (Wait…there’s competition? Dear god in heaven, it’s not SWIMSUIT competition, is it?)
Women will play prominent roles in your day. (Yippee. Once again, We are desperate and dateless.)
Mothers, aunts and friendly female neighbors will interact with you in a very powerful and interesting way. (At some point, We must tell all y’all about Our friendly female neighbor. She’s about a hundred, and rides a scooter. She thinks she knows Us from somewhere. Did We mention that it sucks to be Us?)
These women have a lot of good insight for you, so listen when they offer their advice. (Don’t encourage them!)
They’re not trying to tell you how to live your life (They’re trying to tell Us how THEY think We should live Our life.)
— they’re just trying to help you think of something you might not have considered before. (Consider yourself part of the furniture. (Please, Sir, I’d like some Mormons. (But only if they look like Wes Ramsey or Steve Sandvoss.)))
(We’ll take obscure cinema references for $500, Alex.)
Resist your urge to just nod and smile at what they are saying. (Insert image of Us nodding and smiling here.)
Give the feminine mystique extra credence today. (Our feminist merit badge is about to be taken away…We were firmly convinced that The Feminine Mystique had been written by Germaine Greer, when in reality (which is, parenthetically, vastly overrated (reality, that is, not The Feminine Mystique)) it was written by Betty Friedan.)
Your energy levels might be all over the place if you don’t take better care of yourself. (To say nothing of Our litter-hairy references. (No, really…say NOTHING.))
Get plenty of sleep, eat healthy foods, lay off the java, and learn to relax. (Well, aren’t YOU just the pushy, demanding bitch?)
Those closest to you will appreciate your willingness to even out. (What does that even MEAN?)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.