We got married in a fever, hotter than a pepper sprout

Greetings, Escalator Reverses Into Cellar---


Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, April 28, 2010 (And a very Happy Hump Day to all of Our Happy Humpster Divers, and the great-granddaddy of ‘em all, Herman Humpster. And his brother, of children’s fairy tale fame, Humplestiltskin. To say nothing (no, really) of his other brother, Wee Humpy Humple. Who ran through the town, upstairs and downstairs, in his nightgown. Which sounds, to Us, as though he were (subjunctively) doing at least part of this up- and downstairs running in other people’s houses. Which would no doubt be alarming for the occupants of same, should they awaken for a middle-of-the-night wee-wee (wee all the way home) and be startled by a drag queen in a nightgown on their stairs.):


(With important concerns like this to worry Us, however do We keep Our toilet bowl clean between scrubbings?)

(Meanwhile, how much does it tickle Us that, purely by chance, Herman Humpster in the first paragraph is green?)


(In other news, in Our travels yesterday, We found a British five-pence piece. Seriously. How are We ever to get rich if We keep picking fake money from other countries out of the gutter? You will recall that We recently found a Japanese fifty yen piece. At least that has a hole in the middle, so We could wear it as jewelry if We obtain a chain (from that plain in Spain where the rain mainly stays).)


(You WISH you were We, We can tell.)


(In still other other news (yes, ladies and gerbils, the hits just keep on coming), We have finally solved Our befridgedator light bulb problem (We know you were all on tenterhooks), and We are scheduled to march off to the CVS today with the original burned out bulb, the two defective bulbs (complete with packaging and receipt) that they sold Us, and the packaging and receipt from the bulb that worked that We later obtained at the Ack-A-Me. Also An Atty-tude. Wish Us luck. (They will no doubt refund Our money in five-pence pieces.))


(Meanwhile, it appears to have been approximately two weeks (and a trip to the Left Coast) since We have mentioned Our upcoming Really Big Shoe in these pages. So here: the WaitStaff's SItOnMyFaceBook page, which is currently hovering at 403 fans, has officially decided to start spitting out freebies when it reaches 500. Yes, ladies and genitals, some lucky fan will be winning tickets to The Mother of All Sketch Comedy Shows when Our page hits 500 fans. (Hopefully, this will happen before the show does. Otherwise, your free tickets will have a serious dip in value.) Oh, and for you poor schnooks who need to purchase tickets,  the event page now has ticket-obtaining info (which can be found directly here).


(“But I am already a fan of the WaitStaff on SitOnMyFaceBook!” We hear you cry. “However shall I ensure that they reach 500 fans and I get the chance to win a golden shower…er, ticket?” Ah, Glasshoppah…snatch this pebble from Our snatch, and risten crosery. This would be one of those occasions when you want to share both Eric’s Daily Horoscope and the WaitStaff’s SitOnMyFaceBook page with your friends. And then have them share with their friends. It’s called “viral marketing”, people, unlike Our current growth process, which is called, as near as We can tell, “fungal marketing”. And not any of them new-fangled quick funguses neither… more like that old-fashioned fungus that just sort of sits there under your big toenail and doesn’t really bother anybody unless they have to look at it up close for some reason.)


(Apologies to Our fine-feathered foot-fetishist friends for that last bit. (Is that a WOODY?))


(Our Our-O-Scope.)


Knowing the difference between dreams and reality (A dream is a wish your heart makes, but reality is on television. Also, ice cream is a dish Moss Hart bakes, but Virginia is for lovers.)


(We have no idea.)


is a big plus down here on planet number three. (Somehow, calling it “planet number three” makes Us just want to go back to bed and stay there. At least if We were Planet Number Two, We could try harder. And, We could make a p00p joke. Of course, We’d also be liquefied by the heat of the sun. Which sounds like a bad thing, until you realize that it would put Us in the same molten pool with Johnny Depp. And what could be better than taking a dip in Johnny Depp’s molten pool?)


(See? We’re a “glass half full” kind of guy. We have no idea where you people get this “negativity” cr@p.)


As you're soon to learn, however, there's also something to be said for the sweetness of fantasies and dreams. (Mmm-hmm. There’s something even more to be said for Johnny Depp’s lava lamp. (You don’t need to think We’re letting go of this metaphor any time soon, because We are SO not.))


Enjoy this brief vacation from the ordinary. (And this ordinary vacation from your briefs. (Hey, if We’re gonna be liquefied, We might as well go commando.))


Much as you'd like to simply let your opponent know in no uncertain terms that they're playing with fire, your innate sense of fairness won't let you do it -- fortunately. (Now, see, that there don’t even make no sense. How would it be unfair to let them know they’re playing with fire? @sshat.)






You've got more ideas than you have time to explain them -- and there's a reason for that. (Yes. And the reason is: people are stupid.)


Easy, now. (Easy-peasy George and Weezy.)


Take a breath and prioritize. (Could We a priori-tize instead? (Unlike Our usual “f@rt-noise-in-Our-armpit” jokes, that was an actual bit of high-brow intellectual Humour, for Our high-brow intellectual readers (both of whom are very nice). The rest of all y’all might wanna go Google “a priori” on Wikipedia to see just how funny We really are.))


(I. Fell. In. To a burning ring of fire…oh, wait; that’s Johnny CASH…eeeuuuwww!)






(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:






http://www.humorscope.com/




cowgrass-coated popcorn, p3nis, and a prize…that’s what you get in CowGrassJacks.)