Walk, walk, walk, walk him up, walk him up the stairs

Greetings, Elegant Rebuttal Ignites Cigarette----


(Heh. See what We did there?)


Here is your horoscope for Monday, April 12, 2010 (A Very Happy Un-Monday To You! (If you didn’t sing that to yourself the first time, We’ll wait while you go back and do it again. (There, that’s better.))):


(Our ailment seems to be about seventy-five percent departed. We Our Own Selves Personally, on the other hand, seem to be dearly departed. Also, We seem to have mislaid (heh) the dearly beloved. Also also, isn’t it peculiar that “dearly” as in “dearly beloved” doesn’t rhyme with “pearly” as in “pearly gates”. (Apropos of nutting, We once assayed the role of Ol’ Cap’n in the musical Purlie. We were approximately twenty-four at the time. We shall have to scan a photo of Ourself in Our age makeup and padding…We would be lucky to make Ourself look that good for a night out these days. (For those non-musical-theatre-queens amongst all y’all, if you don’t know what “Ol’Cap’n in Purlie” means, just pretend We said “Colonel Sanders”. KThxBye.)))


(How many of you just let “apropos of nutting” slide right on by? You take Us for granted, you do. (Also, Micro$oft Weird™ appears to think that “nutting” is not a word. Which, come (heh) to think of it, explains a great deal.))


(We are about to do A Very Bad Thing. We are just telling you that upfront, so that We can disavow all knowledge of your actions should you or any of your IM Force be caught or killed. Also, so We can be assured that you have no one but yourself to blame when you do the thing We are about to tell you not to do. )


(On Saturday afternoon, We were out in the world, spreading good cheer and snot, the way One does, when Our pants rang, alerting Us to the arrival of a text message from TCBITWWW. In said message, he chastised Us for ever having introduced him to Sporcle. “Sporcle?” sez We, “The h3ll?” It subsequently became clear that TCBITWWW’s text had gone astray and was never meant for Us. Alas, it was too late, as We promptly arrived home and Googled “Sporcle” on Wikipedia….)


(Now here comes the warning: WHATEVER YOU DO, do NOT go to http://www.sporcle.com (which is, parenthetically, completely work safe) and start testing your knowledge by taking quizzes. Because, if you do, when you finally come to, it will be Thursday. June 14th. 2012. And you will have lost your job, and be homeless. But you will know what element comes after nitrogen on the periodic table.)


(We, of course, were busily demonstrating Our senility on a quiz in which One was expected to name actors who had been in Batman movies. We had most of them from the older set of films, and the main ones from the new films. We knew that We didn’t know the name of the guy who played Alfred the butler in the old set (it was Michael Caine in the newer set), and We were pretty sure We’d never remember most of the secondary characters from the newer set, because We LOATHED both Batman Begins and Dark Knight. (Sorry, Heath Ledger. You broke Our back, AND Our mountains, WHUUUUUTTTT?) However, We were stuck on who played Vicki Vale in the very first Batman of the older set. And, as We sat here, saying…OUT LOUD…”It’s that ugly blond chick, who divorced Alec Baldwin, and has an Oscar™ she doesn’t deserve for LA Confidential…”, We realized that We had finally and completely lost whatever was left of Our mind.)


(So yeah. Whatever you do, don’t go to http://www.sporcle.com . You’re welcome.)


(Our Our-O-Scope.)


You've seen the movie where the hero jumps from the bridge to the top of a speeding train, then chases and neatly nabs the soon-to-be-very-sorry bad guy? (Was that ugly blond chick in it? (You don’t think We’re gonna say her name, do you? If you can’t think of it either, you can just be tormented like We were. (We did ultimately figger it out. (We know you were worried.))))


Well, you may not be doing any train-leaping, (Eight trains a-leaping, nine ladies dancing, and a partridge in a pear tree.)


(FIVE!!! GOLDEN!!! RIIIIIINGS!!!)


(Which part of “lost Our minds” did you not understand?)


but it still wouldn't be wise to mess with you. (If you like it then you shoulda put a mess on it.)


You tried, but you just couldn't shut up (Obviously, We’ve met before.)


and not say those hurtful words. (That’s Us…saying hurtful words to the wartful herds. Since 2001.)


You can't take them back, but you can apologize. (Not only that, you should SEE Us accessorize.)


The sooner and sweeter, the better. (Also, the bigger the better, the more in the sweater. (That was for Our str8 boi readers. Now that they’ve all popped b0ners, for Our g@y boi readers: “The bigger the better, the more in the sweatpants.”))


Stop thinking about working out. (Fine, you’ve talked Us into it.)


Get up, get dressed and go work out. (But you just said…)


Muscles need actual participation from other body parts to become toned. (Wonderful. How ‘bout you shove ‘em up your @ssz and see what happens?)


(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com

cowgrass…I put that @#$%* on EVERYTHING!)