Rocky Raccoon checked into his room only to find Gideon’s bible

Greetings, Extraterrestrial Raccoonesque Intruders’ Countercamouflage---


(What? “Raccoonesque” not a word? Oh, sure. Next thing ya know, Micro$oft Weird™ will be telling Us that Raquel Welch is a figment of someone’s imagination as well. (Did YOU know there was no C in “Raquel”? Because We, apparently, did not. The raccoon thing is, consequently, not nearly as amusing as it might otherwise have been. Sigh. If anyone is looking for Us, We shall be in the garden, eating worms.))


(Raquel Welch’s t1tz.)


(There…at least We were able to salvage a little something for Our str8 boi readers. (Although We feel it incumbent upon Us to mention to all you b0ner-poppin’ str8 bois (which is, of course, a phrase much like “pistol-packin’ mamas”, although a helluva lot more interesting from OUR perspective) that each of Ms. Welch’s personal t1tz will be turning seventy this year. Which would seem, according to the New Math, to make her a hundred and forty years old. Although We may have improperly carried a two.))


(Apropos of nothing, doesn’t “improperly carried a two” sound like a lovely euphemism for something absolutely vulgar?)


(In still other news, the WaitStaff's SitOnMyFaceBook page, which is currently hovering at 399 fans, has officially decided to start spitting out freebies when it reaches 500. Yes, ladies and gerbils, some lucky fan will be winning tickets to The Mother of All Sketch Comedy Shows when Our page hits 500 fans. (Hopefully, this will happen before the show does. Otherwise, your free tickets will have a serious dip in value.) Oh, and for you poor schnooks who need to purchase tickets, the event page now has ticket-obtaining info (which can be found directly here  .).


(Now go visit all those places, then come back and read the horoscope.)


Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, April 14, 2010 (Oh, are We just now getting around to saying that? My, how time flies when you’re having fudge. Happy Hump Day to all you Humpy Dudes and Dudettes who are Humping away out there in Hump-Hump Land.):


(Our Our-O-Scope.)


Pleasing anyone, whether they're a member of your family or a career associate, will be several times more challenging than you'd ever possibly imagined. (And, if you think Pleasing Anyone is gonna be tough, wait till you try Finding Nemo.)


Any attempts you make to 'fix' things could backfire. (See, now, We were just fixin’ (heh) to go on a fixing spree. We were gonna be spaying and neutering with reckless abandon. We had bought Ourselves a Weed-Whacker™, and We weren’t afraid to use it. And now this “backfire” bullsh1t. Sigh. You never lettuce have any fun.)


Why not go with the flow instead? (WAIT a minute…We can’t go on Our spaying and neutering spree, AND Aunt Flo is coming to visit? She’d better not expect Us to kiss her bloody grits.)


(We’re just gonna pause here for a mo-mo while all y’all find the mental floss.)


Don't waste time pouting if someone suddenly reneges on a promise or disappoints you. (We will waste time pouting if We d@mn well please, you lousy reneger. (Heh. If you are reading this aloud, We sure hope you aren’t in public.))


You're all grown-up now -- remember? (No. Because We’re SO grown-up that We have Alzheimers. Also, We have Alzheimers.)


(Heh. See what We did there? No, neither do We.)


That means getting used to others who aren't. (If the others don’t exist, We fail to see why We should have to get used to them.)


(That was a little Zen Buddhist humor, for Our existential friends. (In case you were wondering, while you were meditating, We were mentally looking up your loincloth.))


Careful, now. You could hurt yourself, or someone else if you're not paying attention to what you're doing. (It’s all fun and games till somebody points out that even though there’s no I in “team”, there’s also no I in “@sshole”.)


Force yourself to be vigilant. (See, “Force yourself to be vigilant”? Not funny. “Force yourself to be militant.” Hysterical! Perspectivez, We has them.)


Your demeanor won't be the stuff that etiquette books are written about (Although it would probably make a really funny cookbook.)


-- so this might not be the best day to ask for that raise. (Although if We can figger out how to get a raise before We get a JAWB, We will definitely be cooking with gas.)


(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:



http://www.humorscope.com/




cowgrass…melts in your mouth, not in your pants)