Once one dismisses the rest of all possible worlds, one finds that this is the best of all possible worlds

Greetings, Epilady™ Razor Increases Chesthair---


(Oh, come on, Micro$oft Weird™…surely you aren’t trying to tell Us that you’ve never met a guy for whom “chesthair” is all one word? (We Our Own Self Personally are holding out for a guy for whom “chestNUT” is all one word, but that’s neither here nor Nair™.))


(The Funny…We has it.)


Here is your horoscope for Monday, April 05, 2010 (Happy birthday to OurMizDonna, who turns twenty-four today. And Happy Monday to the rest of you poor schnooks. We are up, as you can see, at the veritable cr@ck of @ssz, for no discernible reason whatsoever. But the sun, she shines, so perhaps We shall attempt to make an effort to create the illusion of making hay. If We can find the recipe. Although what We’re gonna do with it once it’s made, We haven’t got any idea.):


(Speaking of useless endeavors, We spent Easter evening East of Eden All About Eve…whoops, We slipped. We spent Easter evening watching a Jason Bateman fillum (jigga WHUT?), Extract. It was so forgettable that We were forgetting it as We were watching it. Ben Affleck was in it, as was Gene Simmons. Yes, from KISS. We’re sure it all seemed like a very good idea at the time. We are about to just give up on movies altogether, and concentrate on catching up on TV shows. We hear that somebody shot JR, and Lucy Ricardo had a baby.)


(Our Our-O-Scope.)


There's a link between each and everything you've ever done (Oh, dear sweet Jeebus.)


and where you are now. (And where exactly would that be?)


It's all contributed to making the present the best possible place to be. (How conVEEEEEEENient. Excuse Us while We just Manifest Destiny Rides Again We’re OK You’re OK and We’ve Got The Secret. Oh, and Shut. Up. Kelli.)


In other words, (Jasmine kabuki cervix. (What? Those were Other Words.))


do take time to thank all of your former incarnations, (Inchrysanthemums? Incalla lilies?)


both in this life and in others. (Yeah. We’ll get right on that.)


If you're sure you're done, get out. (Day-um! Who p00ped in YOUR porridge, Kelli?)


If you still have doubts and you're wondering if this might just be wrong place, wrong time, ask for the emotional equivalent of a comma. (Or a coma. Which, oddly, is generally longer than a comma. (“Ask for the emotional equivalent of a comma”…what a peculiar, peculiar metaphor. How does it relate to, say, asking for the emotional equivalent of a semi-colon? And would anyone actually be foolish enough to ASK FOR the emotional equivalent of a period? Interrobang-bang, I always will, because a gang-bang gives me such a thrill…))


Call in those favors. (And call out those flavors! Pistachio! Curry! Hassenpfeffer Incorporated! (Sorry. (Didja hear where Laverne and Shirley moved to California?)))


Whether it's a day off, a raise or that promotion you've waiting for, it's all yours -- and it's because you've earned it. (And here, We thought it was because We Manifested it. Like a manifesto. Or like Manifest Destiny. Manifestiny, for short. @sshat.)


(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com

wow…I coulda had a cowgrass)