Greetings, Estonia Retaliates, Invading Chad---(An exhausted Chad is left weak, but begging for more.)
Here is your horoscope for Saturday, April 10, 2010 (Remember yesterday (who said “No”?) when We said We knew Our menopausal allergies were allergies because the rain which made the pollen go away made them go away? Well, apparently either the pollen came back with a vengeance, or We have the bubonic plague. And there’s nothing quite as nasty as having your bubons plagued. This is truly unfair, as We have way too much to accomplish, and way too short a time in which to accomplish it. We are slightly better this morning, but We suspect that’s only because We are hermetically sealed in OurHouseWhereWeLive, Our condition having been exacerbated yesterday by Our having the audacity to venture forth into the pollen-laden atmosphere. (“Pollen-laden” looks, for some reason, very peculiar to Us. However, We just Googled it on Wikipedia, and 31,900 other people have used it before Us. (Please stand by for an Osama bin Pollen Laden joke, as soon as We think of it.))):
(As if lying at death’s door weren’t (subjunctively) enough torture, We also have today’s Eric’s Daily Horoscope Subject Line Song Du Pour Au Jus Pas de Deus ex Machina Heeeey…Macarena stuck on an endless loop in Our head(s). We have no idea why this should be so, except for the fact that We did recently play “Mamma Mia” (the song, not the entire movie soundtrack) in conjunction with a rehearsal for the WaitStaff’s upcoming Mother of All Sketch Comedy Shows. (Gee, We sure hope We haven’t caused YOU to get some random ABBA song stuck in your head for the rest of the day. ‘Cause that would make Us sad.))
(Our Our-O-Scope.)
Motivation will only arrive via a very sweet, very attractive carrot at the end of a very expensive stick. (Is that a very sweet, very attractive carrot in your pocket, or are you just happy to see Us?)
Otherwise, you'll be far more interested in not being late for your nap. (Well. Was that ten of the most boring sentences ever spoken, or was it just Us?)
Stock up on provisions (While attempting to avoid antivisions.)
so you won't have to make that exhausting, endless journey to the grocery store. (Only Our Kelli The @sshat could combine grocery shopping and Sartre.)
Make a wish -- but be sure it's what you really want and what you're really ready for, because it will almost certainly come true. (Yeah. Because that’s what ALWAYS happens with OUR wishes.)
Arguing with you will be impossible. (No, it won’t.)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
Even the most deliberately provocative statements will barely raise your blood pressure. (That is because We are dead.)
It's good to be you, huh? (Lettuce just empty Our nose at you (atCHOO!), and We will show you just HOW good.)
It's not as much as you deserve, but you can certainly expect a bit more in your paycheck soon. (That’d be a pretty good trick, considering We ain’t got a JAWB.)
No fair jumping the gun, though. (Ya hear that, Mother Superior? (That was a little Beatles joke. For Our Beatles fan reader. Although he’s a n@ked skimmer, so he might’ve missed it. So We’re just going to sit here and picture him n@kedly skimming until he acknowledges Us.))
Wait and see. (At the A&P. By Jean-Paul Sartre. Cleanup on Aisle Five. For All Eternity. Hell Is Other Produce Managers. Double Coupons, Triple Ennui, Infinite Weekly Specials.)
(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com
please don’t squeeze the cowgrass)
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