Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, February 18, 2011. Happy birthday in advance to BoBoB Jasper, who turns twenty-four this weekend. And happy birthday to Lexulous Sensei, Christopher, who turns twenty-four this very day. Why, it seems like just yesterday that we were putting up the Martin Luther King Day tree, and now we’re busy wrapping President’s Day presents. Where does the time go?
Speaking of “time fries when you’re shaving nuns” (you Yanks and your wacky, zany, madcap sayings!), the ginormous mountain of snow left outside Casa de Crustifarian by the evil snow plow is almost entirely gone, thanks to the uncharacteristically unFebruaryesque weather. A fact about which we are complaining exactly not one whit (whatever the hell a “whit” is…). Although if Himself thinks We (have you noticed how We’re adopting Himself’s use of The Royal We? He’ll be thrilled to learn that We don’t think he’s a COMPLETE idiot) are going to go out and clean up the disgusting pile of trash and debris the snow mountain left behind, he’s got another think coming.
Himself, meanwhile, is still fast abed. When last heard from, he was having a dream in which he was getting in trouble at work for having had pictures of Himself appear in a porno magazine. Which is all quite scary enough to contemplate, but, in addition, built into the plot of the dream was the fact that said pictures had been taken A LONG TIME AGO. Thus, no one, least of all Himself, had to contemplate the concept of pornographic pictures of Himself in his current state of decay. If he continues this streak of not being a complete idiot, he may actually get somewhere at some point. (Naaaahhhh…)
Meanwhile, We have noticed that, since We oh-so-kindly moved the WaitStaff show advertising to the end of the ‘O’Scope, YouPeople feel free to just ignore it. Which, as the only person around here seemingly concerned with keeping Casa de CrumpetMuncher supplied with bangers and mash, We simply cannot allow. So scurry on down below and buy tickets to one (or BOTH!) shows…We’ll wait.
Here for your enjoyment while We wait is the WaitStaff’s PBS documentary:
Watch the full episode. See more Experience.
Well, now that you’re both back from your ticket-purchasing junket (wouldn’t that be a much more attractive word if it were (subjunctively) “junkette”? Or better yet, “junquette”? (We’re cunning! We’re a linguist! We’re a cunning linguist!))), enough of this hoo-ha (also, enough of this hoo-hoo (to say nothing of this hoo-hoo voodoo (which is, of course, what happens when you accidentally set your vibrator on “Purée”)))…on with the horoscope!
Relax and take your time today (We’ve never understood the phrase “take your time”…who the hell else’s would you take?)
(Having thus started the horoscope, We suddenly became distracted by bright shiny Internetz and ended up on a two-hour uqest for a document Himself had created some time ago. Consequently, We are no longer in the mood to write a horoscope, so, instead, here, courtesy of the Way-Back Machine, all the way from 2005, prior to the marriage of Mister Tom Cruise and Ms. Katie Holmes, We give you…
EXCERPTS FROM KATIE H’S DIARY
Dear Diary,
Finally I can reveal the secret I’ve been keeping, even from YOU, Dear Diary: Tommy C. and I are an ITEM!!! My people have been seeing his people for about a month now, and his publicist finally decided the time was right to announce that we are a couple!!! I didn’t even dare write about it in here, Dear Diary, for fear that someone would steal YOU the way they stole all those phone numbers from that slut Paris H’s cell phone.
Tommy is SOOO refreshing, especially after dating Chris K for all that time. I mean, Chris is cute and all, but who can even name a movie he’s been in? I mean, like AMERICAN PIE…what-EVER. And Tommy is, like, THE Major Hollywood Movie Star. This is gonna be SOOO great for my career. I mean, look what he did for Nicole, and my boobies are WAAAY bigger than hers. And it’ll be good for him, too. I mean, it’s about time he started dating an American girl, instead of all these foreigners and Australians and stuff.
Plus, Dear Diary, just between you and me, when it comes to, you know, S-E-X…well, Chris had this REEAALLY big winkie, which could hardly fit in my hoo-hoo, and he wanted to put it there like ALL the time, and leave it there for like HOURS, and I’d wind up all sweaty, with my hair all messed up, and I’d have to re-do my makeup. But Tommy hardly EVER puts his winkie in my hoo-hoo, and, when he does, it’s just the right size, because I don’t even notice that it’s there, and plus he only puts it there for like a minute, so my hair and makeup looks exactly the same when it’s over, and really, it’s not how you feel, it’s how you look.
So anyway, now that we are officially dating, and can be seen in public, Tommy is gonna take me to meet some of his friends at his church. I’m not sure what church it is…the name sounded like “gynecology”, but I know that can’t be it, because that’s a hoo-hoo doctor. I just know it’s not anything I’ve heard of before, like Presbyterian or Episcopalian. I’m sure it’s something really special, just like Tommy. I just hope it’s not that Kielbasa thing that Madonna and Demi M. are into, because somebody told me that’s kind of Jewish, and I don’t think my fans would like it if it turned out that I killed Jesus.
Love,
Katie
Dear Diary,
Tommy took me to his church yesterday. It’s the Church of Scienceology
We flew there in a helicopter, and I had to wear a blindfold, because I’m not a member of the church yet, so I’m not allowed to know where it is. It felt just like we were in one of Tommy’s MISSION MISSION
Anyway, it wasn’t like a church at all, more like a big resort in the middle of the desert. And there was no service, which was good, because I get SOOO bored when other people talk for too long. AND I got to meet some fat old guy who used to be John Travolta, and that fat lady who was on CHEERS when she was thin, but now has a show about being a fat lady, which I think is really stupid, but she was REEEAALLLY nice to me, so it was okay. And when Tommy and the John Travolta guy went off to get massages, we showed each other our hoo-hoos, but I got really scared ‘cause her thighs kind of moved ALL ON THEIR OWN, so I made her stop. Did I mention she was REEEALLY fat?
So, later, the four of us and a bunch of Tommy’s other church friends got together and they talked about a bunch of stuff I didn’t understand, like N-grams and futons and E-meters. I made a joke about E! True Hollywood Story, but nobody laughed, so I didn’t make any more jokes. Tommy said I didn’t understand because I wasn’t clear, but I didn’t think THEY were being very clear, but I didn’t say so. It was kinda like that time James v-d-B took me to that party with all his weird guy friends in the funny leather costumes, and all anybody talked about was Special K and circuit parties. *I* didn’t think it sounded like much of a party if all they served was cereal, but I didn’t want to say so, because James was always so sensitive about his friends. And the fact that he was going bald.
Anyway, Tommy says if I want to, I can join his church, because they have a “special process for celebrities”. Well, DUH. I mean, it’s not like we’re just ordinary people or something.
Love,
Katie
(Here is the rest of Kelli’s horoscope, in case you care.)
— you need to make sure that you’re getting every little thing right. It’s not so hard for someone like you, but you may need to ensure that your attention is firmly focused! You’ve decided to shake off all remnants of that serious attitude you were recently forced into taking on — and not a moment too soon. After all, you’re a fire sign, and you have your reputation to think of. It’s time to have some fun, and that is definitely that. Your only dilemma now will be which charming offer to accept and which to try postponing until tomorrow — or until next week, if absolutely necessary. We should all have such problems. You need to dial in to the small stuff now — it can, in fact, make a huge difference. Pay attention consciously and carefully to see things that tell you all you need to know.
*****************************************************************************
The WaitStaff will, at long last, be making its debut at Philadelphia’s premiere comedy club, Helium, with an 8PM show on Wednesday, March 16th. So come on out and get your pre-Saint Patrick’s Day drink on, as the WaitStaff presents an evening with The Real Housewives of South Philly. (For those of you who saw the Fringe show, which was ENTITLED The Real Housewives of South Philly, please note that this is an ENTIRELY NEW and DIFFERENT show. The WaitStaff just finds “Real Housewives of South Philly” to be a good marketing hook for people who haven’t seen them before.)
You can get your tickets for Helium here: https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/382
Check out the SitOnMyFaceBook event here: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=166594253388281
Meanwhile, as those who read these pages religiously (ahem) are already aware, the WaitStaff will be presenting an evening of Smokin’ Hot Comedy to beat the winter blues on Sunday, February 27, at 7PM at World Café Live! Our very special guests will be Dave Terruso of Animosity Pierre and Jaylene Dulap of Jaylene and the Judge. The doors will open at 6PM, so you can come and have dinner and/or cocktails before the show (you can also have dinner and/or cocktails during the show, as long as you promise not to hurl any of it at the stage).
Get your tickets for World Café Live here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=1616
Visit the Virtual WaitStaff on the WorldWideInterWebNetz here: http://www.thewaitstaff.com or on SitOnMyFaceBook: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=198525196831422
Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com )
http://www.humorscope.com )
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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