Hit me with your best sh1t, why don’t you hit me with your best sh1t

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, February 03, 2011.  Happy Feast Of Saint Blaise Day!  May all your throats be deep throats, or some such.  One would ponder how someone becomes The Patron Saint Of Throats And Wild Animals, but one doesn’t like to spend too much time contemplating the Catholic church.  Even as a child, one didn’t understand why there was a special day devoted to blessing one’s throat, and yet all one’s other body parts got the shaft (as it were).  Of course, one learned early on not to question religious types, especially if they held any power over one. Nuns are really pretty much only funny in hindsight.

Speaking of wild animals, I am astonished to hear the crickets continue to chirp, even in the face of yesterday’s dazzling Groundhogs Day retrospective.  I shall press on, undaunted, like Lee’s™ nails, however, as today is the first of several WaitStaffian announcements:

The WaitStaff will be presenting an evening of Smokin’ Hot Comedy to beat the winter blues on Sunday, February 27, at 7PM at World Café Live!  Our very special guests will be Dave Terruso of Animosity Pierre and Jaylene Dulap of Jaylene and the Judge.  The doors will open at 6PM, so you can come and have dinner and/or cocktails before the show (you can also have dinner and/or cocktails during the show, as long as you promise not to hurl any of it at the stage).

Get your tickets here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=1616

Visit the Virtual WaitStaff on the WorldWideInterWebNetz here: http://www.thewaitstaff.com or on SitOnMyFaceBook: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=198525196831422

You reach a milestone, (With my luck, it’ll probably be a kidney stone.)

probably rather early in the day. (Don’t look now, but it’s a little late for early in the day.)

That doesn’t give you the luxury of slacking off, (We’re just gonna let one of you amateurs make the joke here, alright?)

unfortunately, but it does mean you have a serious leg up on the competition!  (And there’s 

nothing we like better than lifting our leg on the competition.  Pish-pish-pish…take THAT, competition!)

 Someone is waiting for you to do or say something that you have been putting off for way too long. (Well, kids, no fear…I won’t be getting a jawb just yet today.)

Are you afraid of their reaction? (Well, not specifically.  It’s just that, for every reaction, there is an equal and opposite rereaction, and that sounds like a lot of work.)

Are you intimidated by their reputation? (Or repudiated by their intimation?  This is a truly dead boring horoscope today, Kelli.  Jeebus.)

Toss all your concerns out the window (Tossing things out the window would be ever-so-much more dramatic if one were (subjunctively) not on the first floor.)

— there is no need to hide your true intentions or desires. (However, struggle though I will, all the Spanx™ in the world won’t hide my entire dimensions.)

You need to open up and move things forward without any hesitation. (Well, now, let’s make up our minds, shall we?  Are we lifting our leg on the competition, or are we squatting on them?)

Even if they don’t go in the direction you want them to. (That last bit?  Not a sentence.  (See what I did there?))

You will get satisfaction just getting something going.  (A four-alarm fire leaps to mind.)

 Sometimes everything just seems to fit right into place — and today, it all clicks! (That’s because it hasn’t been oiled in a while.  Try some WD-40™; it’ll slide right in.)

(Does anyone have any idea what the hell we’re talking about?  I took my thumb off my script, and now I have no idea where I am.)

If you’ve been shy about asking that cutie out, (“Cutie”?)

step up ASAP. (The only thing worse than using that ridiculous acronym (inappropriately, I might add, in this case) is when people pronounce it as though it were (subjunctively) a word instead of four letters.  No wonder you Yanks won your revolution…we Brits probably just got sick of listening to you talk.)

You’ve got the best shot you’re ever going to get, (Which is entirely different from the best shit you’re ever going to get, on several levels.)

so just go for it. (Let’s get Nike…he won’t eat it; he hates everything.)

(Wet brain fart…who’s got the mental floss?)

Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.