That deaf, dumb, and blind kid sure plays a mean pinball

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, February 1, 2011.  I’m not sure exactly what happened, but the sum total of Snowpocalypse Two Electric Boogaloo so far is that the sidewalks look like the top of your glass coffee table after a party in the 80s.  Not that I’m complaining, mind you.  I’ll be much happier sending Himself out to clear the path with a rolled up twenty instead of a shovel.

Meanwhile, Micro$oft Weird™ has flagged “boogaloo” as misspelled.  At first, I thought it might be one of those pesky American versus British issues; perhaps we spell “boogaloo” differently on the other side of the pond. But the WorldWideInterWebNetz confirms the “boogaloo” spelling of “boogaloo”, regardless of country of origin, so sod off, Micro$oft Weird™. (“Boogaloo” is clearly one of those words that gets weirder and weirder the more times one types it.  (Micro$oft Weird™ also suggests that I might like to replace “pesky” with “annoying”.  Consequently, I shall replace “sod off” with “fu(k you”.)))

In other news, it is unclear to me why, on what is obviously a “stay in your jammies with your hot water bottle and your woolly penguin under the covers” kind of day, I have been up since the crack of ass-thirty.  However, there has been good news so far on several fronts, among them the followers of these epistles, and the popularity of Himself’s YouTube video of Our Lord and Saviour.  So I feel compelled to ask (despite the fact that no one will answer, much like when Helen Keller falls down in a forest, and one doesn’t know if there’s sound, but what the hell was some deaf, dumb, and blind bitch doing wandering about in a forest anyway?):  do you share these epistles with others, who are not acquainted with Himself and I?  Also, have you shared the video with others?  (And here it is, just in case you felt the urge to do so.  (Or to do-si-do.  Whatever blows your dress up.))

And now, before the horoscope proper begins, a word about my Madd Editing Skillz.  I am, of course, available for hire to make all of your documents look every bit as classy and professional as these daily epistles.  And I am, in fact, completely capable of conforming to American English standards.  For example, in the paragraph preceding the video, I am well aware that “Saviour” is a British spelling, while the American “Savior” would have no U in it, despite that irritating American hymn, “What A Friend U Have In Jesus”.  Also, you may have noticed that I am a staunch proponent of the serial comma (as in “deaf, dumb, and blind”) for the laser-like clarity that it brings.  To wit:

“I’d like to thank my parents, the Pope, and Mother Teresa.”

Versus

“I’d like to thank my parents, the Pope and Mother Teresa.”

I just had a Slim-Fast™ bar for breakfast.  How much slimmer will I get if I eat the rest of the box?

The future seems much more enticing than the present right now (Wait…there are presents?)

— but that doesn’t mean you should just sit around daydreaming!  (Oh, no…I should sit here, typing my fingers to the bone to amuse YouPeople.  All work and no play, smoke crack with dull boys.  (I’ve never understood that saying.  You wacky, zany, madcap Americans.))

Get to work on something big that isn’t likely to pay off for a while.  (Trust me, I haven’t been paid in QUITE a while.  But just think, if everyone reading this horoscope sent me one dollar, I’d have…one dollar?  (Well, maybe two…there is, of course, The New Guy.  Hi, The New Guy!))

It might be difficult to understand when and how to be critical today. (Not especially.  I never seem to find anything about being critical even remotely difficult.  In fact, I venture to say it’s one of my fortes.  One of my most finely honed skills, if you will.  (Or even if you won’t.  What makes you think YOU’RE so damned important?)  Why, if there were (subjunctively) a job whose main duties were criticizing and complaining, I would be Employee of the Month thirteen months of the year.)

 In a business or professional context, you’ll have it a bit easier, though (Meanwhile, in a pie-eating context, avoid the blueberry.  (Also the dingleberry.  (Heh.  Dingleberry pie.  It’s like cowpie, kind of.  If cows used toilet paper.  Like those bears on that commercial…how revolting is that?  I think we can all agree that I’m hardly a prude, but I don’t think they should be allowed to show dingleberries on television.  Cartoon bears or no, they still shit in the woods where Helen Keller falls down.)))

(My digressions have digressions.  Try to keep up.)

— an early morning conflict will force you to look at things in a harsher, more truthful light. (There is no light.  It’s pitch dark outside.  (Of course, that’s par for the course for Helen Keller.  (Not that one imagines her golfing much.)))

(“Fore!”)

Err on the side of caution by being more forgiving and patient than you might otherwise be. (“Err” is such an odd word, no?  It always looks like a mistake.  How convenient that that’s what it means.   To Err is human, to Brrr is Helen Keller falling down in a forest full of snow, to Grrrr is a bear taking a shit on her.)

(Obviously, today’s Erix Daily Horosocpe has a running thread.  How lucky for you!)

(When I said “shit” earlier, Micro$oft Weird™ made nary a peep.  This time it is suggesting that I replace it with “shot” or “hit”.  Everybody’s a critic.)

Loving is more important than being right sometimes.  (I solve that entire conundrum by loving being right.)

While everyone else is fighting in the board room, you’re back in the lunch room, chatting up that new hottie. (Actually, I’m bitchin’ in the kitchen.  ‘Cause there ain’t no damn “hottie” here.)

Say out of the fray — you’re sure to meet the right person that way. (Doris Day, Nanette Fabray, Simone Signoret.  You’re a poet, but you’re unaware of it.)

 

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.