Ack-tiv-ee-ya!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, February 09, 2011.  I would have avoided coming in here and wishing YouPeople a Happy Hump Day, but I am already avoiding doing Himself’s 2010 taxes, and I only have the attention span to avoid doing so many things at the same time.  (I was going to procrastinate, but I decided to put it off.)  Himself was going to do his taxes his own self, but then he decided I’d be much better at lying to the US government, being an illegal alien and all.  (It’s alright that I say that I’m an illegal alien; they can’t catch me, as they’ve no idea what planet I’m from (Here’s a hint:  it starts with Uranus.))  As Himself is still jawbless (and dateless (anybody got the number of a good SugarBaby?)), we are hoping to maximise the refund to keep Casa de Confederacy of Dunces operational for another month or two.

Is it good or bad if your vacuum cleaner really sucks?

Sorry…just a random neuron firing.  As they do.  In other fiscal news, after endless months of gross insensitivity, Himself has finally booked another gay sensitivity training session for next month.  Also, there is additional WaitStaff news (in addition, that is, to the World Café Live gig):

The WaitStaff will, at long last, be making its debut at Philadelphia’s premiere comedy club, Helium, with an 8PM show on Wednesday, March 16^th.  So come on out and get your pre-Saint Patrick’s Day drink on, as the WaitStaff presents an evening with The Real Housewives of South Philly.   (For those of you who saw the Fringe show, which was ENTITLED The Real Housewives of South Philly, please note that this is an ENTIRELY NEW and DIFFERENT show.  The WaitStaff just finds “Real Housewives of South Philly” to be a good marketing hook for people who haven’t seen them before.)

You can get your tickets for Helium here: https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/382

Check out the SitOnMyFaceBook event here: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=166594253388281

Meanwhile, as those who read these pages religiously (ahem) are already aware, the WaitStaff will be presenting an evening of Smokin’ Hot Comedy to beat the winter blues on Sunday, February 27, at 7PM at World Café Live!  Our very special guests will be Dave Terruso of Animosity Pierre and Jaylene Dulap of Jaylene and the Judge.  The doors will open at 6PM, so you can come and have dinner and/or cocktails before the show (you can also have dinner and/or cocktails during the show, as long as you promise not to hurl any of it at the stage).

Get your tickets for World Café Live here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=1616

Visit the Virtual WaitStaff on the WorldWideInterWebNetz here: http://www.thewaitstaff.com or on SitOnMyFaceBook: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=198525196831422

Take action today (I already told you, I’ve successfully avoided doing Himself’s taxes all the morning, and I’ve put off procrastinating.  If that’s not taking action, I don’t know what is.)

— things are getting weird, (Oh, you’ve no idea.  Day after day, just Himself and me, rattling about this dilapidated hovel, taking surveys on the WorldWideInterWebNetz and praying for death.  No one calls, no one writes…)

but you can rise to the challenge for sure. (That’s what Jamie Lee Curtis said on the telly the other day.  Some sort of challenge involving yoghurt and pooping. Didn’t she used to have an actual career?)

Let your people know (Firstly, isn’t the actual quote “let MY people GO”?  Seconal, isn’t that part of Jamie Lee Curtis’s challenge?  And Thirsty, I have people?!?)

what’s really going on as you jump from place to place, (Well, one certainly hopes the jumping and the pooping aren’t simultaneous.)

fixing it all as you go. (Also, laughing all the way. (Ha! Ha! Ha!))

An array of surprises is coming your way soon, (Is it just me, or does that sound like a threat?  Also, it’s not rape, it’s surprise sex.  (You have heard that the Republiclowns who took over your House of Representatives recently are spending their time trying to redefine rape, and prevent rape victims (whom they claim don’t actually exist) from having abortions, haven’t you?  Seriously.  Obviously, they wouldn’t want to spend any time on jobs, or the economy.  That might be hard.  Asshats.))

so it would be very wise for you to remember how flexibility can save your sanity when nothing feels predictable. (Oh, please.  The smartest thing I ever did was let go of that “sanity” nonsense.)

Deal with things as they come. (And see that they don’t come in your eye.)

You can see exactly what needs to be done first, (Also, exactly WHO needs to be done first.  Seriously.  Himself may just explode one day soon.)

so tackle it as soon as you can. (Well, no offense, but it’s not nearly so big as to require TACKLING.)

You’ll be surprised how quickly results come. (Again with the surprise.  And the coming.  Although, mercifully, we’ve left off the Jamie Lee Curtis and the pooping.)

Other people want to be useful to you today, (Soylent Green is people!)

and they may offer to do everything from picking up lunch to taking an entire task off your plate. (Why did they bring me lunch and then take it off my plate?  I hate people.)

 You love being the first to try new places, and tonight is the best time to try the one that has been getting all the buzz lately. (“Buzz” is an odd word, innit?  Sort of onomatopoeia-esque.  (I am trying but failing to come up with an “onomato-poop-a” joke.  Where is Jamie Lee Curtis when you need her?))

Make sure to dress flatteringly, so you can generate a little buzz of your own! (If I generate any buzz of my own, I shall be wearing Depends™, so no one will be the wiser.  At least for a while. )

Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.