Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, February 11, 2011. Happy birthday in advance to Abraham Lincoln, who turns twenty-four over the weekend. Or, rather, who would be turning twenty-four, if his wife hadn’t dragged him to the theatre. See? Culture kills.
Speaking of Culture, I hope you all have your tickets for the Boy George and Culture Club reunion tour. (I only bring it up because it tickles me to see “Abraham Lincoln” and “Boy George” in the labels for today’s Erix Daily Horoscope. (Hey, I spend all my time tickling YouPeople; sometimes, I just have to tickle myself.))
Today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Fabulous Nonplus DoubleDeckerBus is once again by the lovely and talented Cole Escola of LOGO’s Jeffery & Cole Casserole. (And now today’s labels read “Abraham Lincoln, Boy George, Cole Escola”. Oh, The Funny, it burns!)
Himself would no doubt attempt to put a stop to all of this self-amusement, if he were (subjunctively) out of bed. Which he is not. When last heard from, he was dreaming about filming a French film. In France. In French. Which he does not speak. I can’t WAIT to hear how THAT all works out.
Meanwhile, ever since I took over the writing wreins here at Erix Daily Horoscope, I have been virtually DELUGED with questions (thank heavens for my trusty rubbers!) as to whether Himself and I merely cohabit or actually sleep together. Seriously, Ducks? Have you MET Himself? Who, Ducks? Gay, Ducks? Him, Ducks? YES, Ducks!
And now, without further Ado Tattoo Maya Angelou (“Abraham Lincoln, Boy George, Cole Escola, Maya Angelou”….shit, I’ve fu(ked it up….there’s nothing funny about THAT. (Although, once this epistle is posted, it might be funny to send Cole Escola a message telling him to Google “Abraham Lincoln, Boy George, Cole Escola”. (Not, of course, so much “funny: ha-ha” as “funny: I never knew what a real live official restraining order actually looked like until just this minute”.))), here’s today’s O’Scope:
Do your very best to ensure clarity in your communication today. (Spizzwack kumquat mugglewumpus.)
(Heh. See what I did there?)
That could mean anything from checking in with your people (And again I say…I have people?!? Why, then, am I constantly cooking my own meals, cleaning my own toilet, and masturbating? (Oooops…was that the outside voice?))
to make sure they get the gist of your email to simply staying quiet. (The gist of your email…the angst of your gmail…the grist of your Cecil B. DeMille…nope, nothing funny there. (Oh, damn…now “Cecil B. DeMille”’s gonna be in the labels, in between “Boy George” and “Cole Escola”, and fu(king up my earlier “Abraham Lincoln, Boy George, Cole Escola” joke. Unless, of course, I just don’t put him there. I HAVE that power, you know.))
Nobody ever said you were a stick-in-the-mud, and that’s because a stick-in-the-mud is just about the last term anybody would ever choose to describe you. (I dunno about all that, but seeing that phrase twice in one sentence was enough to make me curious about its origin, so I Googled it on Wikipedia. Here is the link I found, in case you care; I am not reprinting the results here, as it’s dead boring: http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/stick-in-the-mud.html )
You’re a go-getter, (To say nothing of a red-letter bed-wetter. (No, really….say NOTHING.))
and today is a day to get out and go. (As opposed, presumably, to a day to go to bed and wet.)
You’re at an important turning point, (Turn left.)
and whatever you put your energies into will take on dimensions even you may never have dreamt of. (Ah, another dimension. With voyeuristic intention. Well-secluded, I see all.)
Likely as not, you’ll leave your competitors in the dust. (Oh, sure. And the next thing you know, I’ll be expected to featherdust the bastards.)
(Speaking of bastards, “featherdust” is, according to Micro$oft Weird™, not a legitimate verb. (see what I did there?) Obviously, Micro$oft Weird™ has never watched me clean Casa de Craphole. (Hmmm…apparently “craphole” isn’t a word, either. Perhaps it should be hyphenated, so it doesn’t look like it should rhyme with “frijole”.))
(I am now proofreading this (because that’s how I roll) and thinking that Featherdust the Bastards may need to be the title of my memoirs.)
You need to spend some quality time with semi-annoying friends today. (Well! Doesn’t THAT sound like fun? When can I start?)
Though it may feel like pulling teeth, they could know some amazing people. (In a desperate effort to raise the level of discourse around here, may I simply say that I don’t give an airborne act of fornication?)
Work through the rough stuff and you should find a sweet center! (That was GOING to be my nickname in high school, but it wouldn’t fit across a T-shirt no matter how much I stuffed my bra.)
(You str8 bois are pixturing that now, aren’t you? Cheeky monkeys.)
The WaitStaff will, at long last, be making its debut at Philadelphia’s premiere comedy club, Helium, with an 8PM show on Wednesday, March 16th. So come on out and get your pre-Saint Patrick’s Day drink on, as the WaitStaff presents an evening with The Real Housewives of South Philly. (For those of you who saw the Fringe show, which was ENTITLED The Real Housewives of South Philly, please note that this is an ENTIRELY NEW and DIFFERENT show. The WaitStaff just finds “Real Housewives of South Philly” to be a good marketing hook for people who haven’t seen them before.)
You can get your tickets for Helium here: https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/382
Check out the SitOnMyFaceBook event here: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=166594253388281
Meanwhile, as those who read these pages religiously (ahem) are already aware, the WaitStaff will be presenting an evening of Smokin’ Hot Comedy to beat the winter blues on Sunday, February 27, at 7PM at World Café Live! Our very special guests will be Dave Terruso of Animosity Pierre and Jaylene Dulap of Jaylene and the Judge. The doors will open at 6PM, so you can come and have dinner and/or cocktails before the show (you can also have dinner and/or cocktails during the show, as long as you promise not to hurl any of it at the stage).
Get your tickets for World Café Live here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=1616
Visit the Virtual WaitStaff on the WorldWideInterWebNetz here: http://www.thewaitstaff.com or on SitOnMyFaceBook: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=198525196831422
Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com )
http://www.humorscope.com )
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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