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Friday, February 4, 2011

Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, February 04, 2011.  Here at Casa de Curmudgeon, we have Miss Tina Turner’s Simply the Best stuck in our head for no apparent reason.  (There is clearly nothing “best” about any of this.)  Himself is still fast abed, having, when last heard from, a dream about running into someone that he hoped never to see again.  On the plus side, he hasn’t dreamt of the EAC since that dream a few weeks back when they “fired” him the second time.

On the plus siZe, Himself’s ass.

Meanwhile, really?  More snow tomorrow?  Didn’t some wretched rodent promise us an early spring just two days ago?  Why do you Yanks keep that revolting groundhog on the payroll anyway?  (We don’t have groundhogs in England.  (I actually verified that on the WorldWideInterWebNetz.  This is how tedious and futile my life has become.  Weep for me.)  We do, however, have stinking badgers.  Not, of course, that we NEED them or anything.)

See what I did there?

You may recall that, several days ago, I opined that, if everyone reading this sent me a dollar, I would have one dollar.  Well, one Gentle Reader did in fact send a dollar, so I now have one dollar.  That, and my singular world view has been once again validated.  Thank yew, Gentle Reader.

Pease porridge in the pot, nine days old.

I have no idea where that came from.

Here is that WaitStaff show information again.  (Be prepared to see a lot of it.  I am going to plug this show like Hair Plugs Club For Men, and I’m the President; it’s the only way I ever get Himself out of the house.)  The World Café Live is a lovely venue for dinner, and there is no show after the WaitStaff show, so do make plans to stay after the show for a tasteful cocktail with Himself and the cast.

The WaitStaff will be presenting an evening of Smokin’ Hot Comedy to beat the winter blues on Sunday, February 27, at 7PM at World Café Live!  Our very special guests will be Dave Terruso of Animosity Pierre and Jaylene Dulap of Jaylene and the Judge.  The doors will open at 6PM, so you can come and have dinner and/or cocktails before the show (you can also have dinner and/or cocktails during the show, as long as you promise not to hurl any of it at the stage).

Visit the Virtual WaitStaff on the WorldWideInterWebNetz here: or on SitOnMyFaceBook:

For those of you still unfamiliar with the WaitStaff (and shame on you), here’s this:

Watch the full episode. See more Experience.

Your karma is informing almost everything that happens to you today, (My karma is a chameleon of a different color.  It is also, apparently, an informer.  (Informant?  (Informuncle?  (If my informant had balls, she’d be my informuncle.))))

(All this on one cup of coffee, people.  Try to keep up.)

(A chameleon of a different color…what color would that be?  Horse.)

so make sure that you’re keeping up with everything that has gone before. (Keeping up with the Joneses, specifically.  Or the Joanses.  Joan Crawford, Joan Blondell, Joan Collins, Joan of Arc.)

If you need a boost, (Sit on a phone book, wanker.)

(Children born today will have no idea what a phone book is.  Progress, pilgrims.)

try a quick good deed!  (That’s a euphemism, innit?)

You’re moving into an introspective phase right now, which is going to help you focus more on your goals for the next couple of weeks. (Well, well, well.  Doesn’t THAT all just sound deep and meaningful?  Also boring.)

The next few days should be all about keeping things quiet (And hunting wabbits?)

and spending your free time homebound rather than out on the town. (Hunting wabbits sounds like more fun.  Hunting traitorous groundhogs sounds even funner. (Oh, fine, Micro$oft Weird™…more funnerer.))

If a friend has their heart set on a crazy night out, find out whether they’re willing to spend a quiet night in. (Oh, sure, it LOOKS like a perfectly innocuous sentence.  Then you read it three times, and the Hokey-Pokey breaks out.)

They might be up for it, and the two of you can take things to a more significant level.  (Clearly, by “more significant level”, she means “having the fu(k-sex”.)

Get serious about romantic karma! (Again with the karma?  Now I’m apparently supposed to take the karma initiative.  (That?  Was a little Lost joke.  For my readers who are fans of the dear departed Lost. Sigh.))

If you help a friend put together a sweet outfit for a big date, (Candypants™!)

the universe might send someone amazing your way. (Johnny Depp in Candypants™!)

(Because my life is SOOOOO interesting, I just went and Googled “Candypants” on Wikipedia.  Turns out, there is  a band called Candypants, while the actual edible underwear product is called “Candy Pants™”.  (Who else would keep you so well-informed?))

 If you blow them off, though, things could get boring. (Obviously, you’ve never had me “blow you off”.  Bitch.)

Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.