Leavin’ on that midnight train to Georgia

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, February 21, 2011.  Happy belated birthday to Katie, who attempted to turn twenty-four over the weekend, when no one was looking.  And Happy Presidents Day to the residents of the USA.  (That’s a little song I just made up there…We are just awash with creativity this morning.  (Well, something’s making Our knickers damp, at any rate.  (We are, as you will have noticed, growing more and more fond of Himself’s “Royal We” usage; in fact, We appear to have adopted it lock, stock, and cracker barrel for Our Very Own Personal use.  (We have no idea what “lock, stock, and cracker barrel” actually means, but We assume (thereby making an ass out of you and Uma Thurman) that it is one of YouYanks’ quaint colloquial sayings. (And god bless Us every one for pulling “colloquial” out of Our cunningly linguistic ass at this hour of the morning. (Meanwhile, dear Micro$oft Weird™, how is it that you imagine “Uma” to be misspelled, but “Thurman” not to be? (Is this in some way related to the episode of American history entitled “Thurman’s march through George Orwell”, or have I got the wrong George on my mind?  (Please note that We take no responsibility whatsoever for any brain damage resulting from reading (or, indeed, nakedly skimming) this paragraph…We are simply attempting to rack up the largest number of parentheticals ever in an introductory paragraph to an Erix Daily Horoscope.  Of course having done so, We have no earthly idea how many parentheses We require to put an end to said paragraph, so here are a bunch of ‘em:)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Today’s horoscope is dedicated to any of Our Faithful Readers who have been required to go to their jawbs on this holiday.  Truly, We weep for you.  (Yet another possible reason why Our knickers may be damp. (Oh, dear.  Now you’re picturing Us crying into Our knickers, aren’t you?  Well, at least you think We’re flexible…perhaps We’ll score a pity date.))

Of course, We are well aware that you’ve mainly dropped by to hear all about Our weekend, so that you can feel better by comparison.  Well, besides slaving and toiling at rehearsal for the WaitStaff show (which is this coming Sunday…get your tickets NOW:   http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=1616 ), we watched The Social Network, which is every bit as good as They say it is.  We had been hard-pressed to imagine how they were going to make a subject as dull as the creation of SitOnMyFaceBook at all dramatical, but they certainly did, aided and abetted by the lovely and talented Mister Jesse Eisenberg and whoever it was who played those hottie twins.  Mister Justin Timberlake also turned in a fine performance, although We must say…We have discussed (well, actually, Himself has discussed) Mister Timberlake previously in these pages (which see:  http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2010/03/im-bringing-sexy-back.html ), and Our issue with him in this particular fillum was even more pronounced.  To wit, the boi is as GAAAAAYYYY as a three-dollar goose in drag as Charles Nelson Reilly getting fu(ked up the ass with Liberace’s pink aluminum Christmas tree while the cast of Glee sings “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” on a Disney princess float in San Francisco’s Gay Pride Parade.  Seriously.  Not knowing the personal stories of any of the real-life characters from the fillum, We actually thought that Mister Timberlake’s character was hitting on Mister Eisenberg’s character, in addition to trying to do business with him. Imagine Our confusion a few scenes later, when Mister Timberlake’s character appeared at a party with about six babe-a-licious babes of the decidedly female variety draped over each arm.  Did anyone else have this problem, or was it just Us?  (That was not a rhetorical question…if you saw the fillum, please weigh in on Justin Timberlake’s gayness (relative to the position of Uranus).

This looks like a good place for a horoscope:

Now is a great time to get started on anything new. (Also, it is a great time to get started on anything nude.  But then, when isn’t?)

You may want to form a business partnership, (ZZZzzzzzz…..)

 if that’s your thing, (Has anyone actually said “That’s” (or “that’s not”) “my thing” since 1979?  And, if so, did they manage not to pronounce it as “thang”?)

or maybe just launch an initiative to clean out that garage once and for all!  (Oh, see…here at Casa de CrackWhore, We are a step ahead of you, Kelli.  Our garage is every bit as Immaculate as Our Contraption.  And, if you don’t believe Us, We defy you to find it and prove otherwise.  (Find Our Immaculate Garage, that is.  Not Our Immaculate Contraption.  Although Our Contraption is relatively Immaculate, if you can excuse a few cobwebs and dustbunnies.))

You’re good with a crowd.  (Well, of course.  Really, what’s the difference?  An orgy is just a whole bunch of one-night-stands all at the same time.)

You know how to tell jokes, (Didja hear the one about the Polish lesbian?  She liked men.)

shake hands (If ya shake ‘em more than twice, you’re playin’ with ‘em.)

and remember names. (Grover Cleveland.  Jose Feliciano.  Shirley Chisolm.)

(You only WISH you knew how Our brain cells related to one another.)

Today you’ll very likely be doing all three. (Here’s hoping that, by “doing all three”, she’s not referring to Grover Cleveland, Jose Feliciano, and Shirley Chisolm.  (And no, We had not looked ahead when We typed those three names the first time.))

 Even if it feels harder than it looks, (That’s what she said.  (“She” being most emphatically NOT Shirley Chisolm.))

 it’s good to put yourself out there. (Honey, if We get any further Out There, they’re gonna have to send a space probe for Us.  (We’re just gonna put a placeholder here for an “anal space probe” joke.  We’ll come back when We think of it.))

 Don’t overstrain yourself, though. (No worries there.)

Just go out there and trust your natural abilities. (Well, THERE’S a guarantee that whatever it is will end up all fu(ked up, eh?)

You might be surprised (SURPRISE!)

at how much easier it can be when you don’t really make an effort. (No, we are pretty much aware that not making an effort is relatively easy.  No surprise there.)

Some things, you know, are like that!  (Well, doesn’t THAT just clear everything right up?  Especially with the extra added attraction of a gratuitous interrobang.  Asshat.)

Get your body moving and meet some new people — is it yoga? Stamp collecting? Midnight bowling? (Firstly, the only one of those that seems to involve Our body actually moving is yoga.  Sexually, “stamp collecting”?  Serioulsy?  And Thurman, We are hoping that “midnight bowling” is a euphemism.  Also, that We don’t have to rent midnight bowling shoes that have been previously worn by other midnight bowlers.)

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The WaitStaff will, at long last, be making its debut at Philadelphia’s premiere comedy club, Helium, with an 8PM show on Wednesday, March 16^th.  So come on out and get your pre-Saint Patrick’s Day drink on, as the WaitStaff presents an evening with The Real Housewives of South Philly.   (For those of you who saw the Fringe show, which was ENTITLED The Real Housewives of South Philly, please note that this is an ENTIRELY NEW and DIFFERENT show.  The WaitStaff just finds “Real Housewives of South Philly” to be a good marketing hook for people who haven’t seen them before.)

You can get your tickets for Helium here: https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/382

Check out the SitOnMyFaceBook event here: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=166594253388281

Meanwhile, as those who read these pages religiously (ahem) are already aware, the WaitStaff will be presenting an evening of Smokin’ Hot Comedy to beat the winter blues on Sunday, February 27, at 7PM at World Café Live!  Our very special guests will be Dave Terruso of Animosity Pierre and Jaylene Dulap of Jaylene and the Judge.  The doors will open at 6PM, so you can come and have dinner and/or cocktails before the show (you can also have dinner and/or cocktails during the show, as long as you promise not to hurl any of it at the stage).

Get your tickets for World Café Live here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=1616

Visit the Virtual WaitStaff on the WorldWideInterWebNetz here: http://www.thewaitstaff.com or on SitOnMyFaceBook: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=198525196831422

Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.