Greetings, Executive Reorder Inexplicably Countermanded---(Those wacky, zany, madcap Chinamen and their “shave-the-red-headed-white-baby” fetish. Heh-heh-heh.)
Here is your horoscope for Monday, March 08, 2010 (We know what you’re thinking. (Oh, yes, We do. We are practically psychic, and We have Our finger on the pulse. (And no, your tighty-whiteys that say “Monday” on them are not deterring Us. Our pulse-seeking finger is intrepid.)) You are thinking, “How does One continue to live in a world in which Sandra Bullock has an Oscar™?” Naturally, We would not bring up your dilemma if We did not have the answer. (We would like to think We are capable of pretending to be kinder than that. At least in public.) And the answer is, you have already been living in a world in which Oscars™ are possessed by Goldie Hawn, Kim Basinger, and Cher. So, although at first you were afraid, you were petrified, We suspect you will survive.):
(We Our Own Selves Personally did not watch the G@y Super Bowl. We were busy cinematically experiencing an indie film called The Open Road, starring Mister Justin Timberlake. (It also starred Mister Jeff Bridges, so, see, topical.) There are spoilers ahead, boyzzz and gurrlllzzz, so, if you’re planning a Justin Timberlake film festival any time soon, you may want to skip to the next paragraph. First off, a synopsis (like your scr0tum, here it is in a nutshell): Minor League Baseball Player Mister Timberlake needs to collect his estranged alcoholic ex-baseball player father, Mister Bridges, from somewhere across the country and bring him to see his ex-wife, Mister Timberlake’s mother, Miss Mary Steenburgen aka Mrs. Ted Danson, who is dying of Old Movie Disease. (She is not Mrs. Ted Danson in the fillum, she is Mrs. Ted Danson in real life. Which is only important to this story in that she apparently had it in her contract that, if she put on Old Movie Disease makeup for these people, they would give her husband a role. So Mister Danson plays Mister Timberlake’s coach in one scene, thereby depriving some actor who really needed the paycheck of work.) There is also some random young actress thrown into the mix to play Mister Timberlake’s girlfriend and thereby demonstrate that Mister Timberlake’s character is Not G@y, but she’s not important because they never have a s3x scene and who the h3ll makes a Justin Timberlake fillum and doesn’t make him take his clothes off? You can tell you’re watching a really cheap indie fillum because there’s only about enough script for A Very Special Episode Of Blossom, so they fill out their ninety minutes with a lot of shots of Mister Timberlake’s red Hummer (no, really) hurtling down various American highways. Said shots being cheap because there are no actors in them.)
(If you cannot predict each and every scene of this cinematic epic, especially the denouement, you have apparently never watched an American movie. Or a General Foods International Coffee™ commercial. Since We were blissfully unhampered by having to pay any attention to the “plot” or the dialogue, We were able to focus on a whole bunch of more interesting things (We are pretty sure We saw a scene where grass grew.) First off, We should mention Mister Harry Dean Stanton. Now, We realize that many of you will not recognize his name, but trust Us, you would Know Him If You Saw Him, as he has been in every fillum made since 1929, with the possible exception of The Women. (That there was a little cinematic joke for Our fellow cinephiles. The Women, you see, didn’t have any men in it.) In this particular instance, Mister Stanton played Miss Steenburgen’s father, but that’s not the point. The point is, We looked him up, and he’s eighty-three years old, BlessHisHeart. Ya know how they say that, as you get older, everything shrinks except the cartilage in your ears and nose, which continues to grow? Well, judging by the size of Mister Stanton’s ears, he’s getting ready for the remake of Dumbo. We’re just sayin’.)
(Also in the fillum in a minor role was Mister Lyle Lovett, who, as far as acting goes, is a pretty good country singer. He is also ten of the least attractive men you will ever see, although We have a special place in Our heart for him, as he was once married to Miss Julia Roberts (yet another Oscar™ winner), and it gives Us great pleasure to think of him banging her like an old screen door.)
(Speaking of Mister Lovett (and, parenthetically (hence the parentheses), throughout all of Sweeney Todd, they never seem to do that), it is during the scene that he shares with Mister Timberlake that the latter’s lack of histrionic powers becomes painfully evident. (We were already presuming Mister Lovett’s lack of histrionic powers, but then, nobody was making him the star of a movie.) Seems Mister Bridges et. al. were carrying Mister Timberlake during most of their scenes. Who knew? Especially since the major emoting required of Mister Timberlake was to brood in a romantically appealing fashion. Now, clearly Mister Timberlake keeps hisself in fine physical shape; even in the Costumes-by-WalMart that were on display here, his fine physique was evident. And We know from other sources that he has more body art than the Rosetta Stone has hieroglyphics (although why they weren’t showing them here is a mystery to Us). Presumably, he cannot help his unfortunate hair, but, at any rate, he has almost all the prerequisite attributes of a first-class romantically-appealing brooder. So why, oh, why didn’t someone send him to a speech teacher so he could stop sounding like Liberace’s hairdresser?)
(Whew! That’s a lotta stuff about fillum! Good thing the Oscars™ only happen once a year! (So did Mister Bridges thank Mister Timberlake in his acceptance speech, or what?))
(Our-O-Scope…)
Anyone who happens to get in your way right now will be bulldozed, trampled and otherwise made to believe that they are not an obstacle worthy of you. (What’s that? An actual insight? Who are you, and what have you done with Kelli?)
Great. (Ah, the old “one-word sentence” trick. Two can play at that game. Aardvark. Rutabaga. Indubitably. See? Simple. @sshat.)
Now help them up and apologize. (We are so very, very sorry that you were stupid enough to try to get in Our way. Howzat?)
Chances are, (Johnny Mathis is a f@g?)
they really weren't out to trip you up deliberately. (A likely story. Of a lovely lady. Who was bringing up three very lovely girls. All of them had hair of gold. From a bottle…)
(Sorry.)
Restraining yourself may be tough, (You think that’s tough, try getting a restraining order against yourself. It’ll say something like “you have to stay five hundred feet away from yourself at all times”, and then won’t you just be in a pickle?)
but it will definitely be easier than the apologies you'll need to make if you let it fly. (We went the whole way back through this horoscope, and that “it” has no antecedent. Grammar Police, lady; you’re under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be pointed at and mocked for the illiterate gibberish of a retard that it is.)
Hold your breath, if need be. (Can’t We hold other people’s breath instead? We like when they turn blue.)
(YOUR-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com
wow…atsa spicy cow-a-grass)
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