Mother Superior jumped the gun

Greetings, Exacted Redaction Impacted Contraction---


Here is your horoscope for Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! (Sorry (Sorry (Sorry))), March 7, 2010 (So anyway, it’s the day of the Oscars™, otherwise known as The G@y Super Bowl. We Our Own Selves Personally don’t much care since, as per usual, We have seen exactly none of the fillums involved, but We thought all y’all might enjoy this little video in honor of the Oscars™. It is work-safe (unless your work has a no-retard policy (and We have yet to hear of a work-place that has that)), but, as We have previously discussed, if you are working on Sunday, you are a godless heathen who will be consigned for all eternity to the fiery pits of H3ll, so you might as well watch a video before ya go. We give you: The Trailer For Every Academy Award™-Winning Fillum Ever Made:):

(Catchphrase! Heh. The script of that video may have just inspired Us with a whole new way of streamlining Eric’s Daily Horoscope production. Not that We weren’t already toying with a sort of Mad-Libs™ format. How much easier would it be on Us to send out “Greetings, E_________ R___________ I___________ C_____________---Here is your horoscope for ______________________. (Happy birthday to __________ , who turns ______________ today. (Parenthetically (hence the ___________), too bad, so sad, ____________ with your dad.))”)


(But enough of this levity. We are about to shatter all of your illusions and give Ourselves up as the white trash We really, really are. We have two words for you, people: Frito™ Pie! Where has this delectable comestible been all Our lives? We have been seeing the “recipe” (We are putting recipe in quotes because, seriously, since when does four ingredients constitute a recipe?) around for a while now, and were intrigued even as We were pretty sure that no one who was not in some way intimately connected to someone called Bubba could possibly concoct such an offense against taste and decency. But yesterday, curiosity pulverized Our pussy, and soon, those four ingredients were en casserole, en oven, and then en their way down Our ravenous gullet. Oh, Our stars and garters, people! We may never fit out the door of Our trailer again!)


(Just in case any of all y’all have a hankering to ascend directly into culinary heaven, here is the “recipe” We used (all quantities are relatively arbitrary): Preheat your oven to 350, and grease you up a Pyrex™ baking dish. Pour half of a regular-sized bag of Fritos™ in the bottom. Spread a can of chili (with or without beans…your choice) over the Fritos™. (This chili could also be homemade, but if it is, it should be leftover. Don’t believe in any recipe for Frito™ Pie that starts out with you making a bunch of chili, because when you want Frito™ Pie, you want Frito™ Pie, and you don’t have time to wait for chili to get made.) Spread a half of a chopped onion over the chili, and half an 8-ounce bag of shredded cheese (cheddar/Colby/Monterey jack is good) over that. Make a second layer with the rest of the Fritos™, another can of chili, the other half of the chopped onion (don’t’cha hate a recipe that calls for half a chopped onion? What the h3ll are ya supposed to do with the other half?), and the rest of the bag of cheese. Bake uncovered at 350 for half an hour, then don’t say We didn’t warn you.)


(As an extra added attraction, We are thinking that, next time We make it, We are going to serve it with a dollop or two of sour cream on the side.)


(In other news, in some momentarily mad fit of uncharacteristic altruism, We have agreed to act in a scene for some Drexel student’s directing class final project. We will be playing Chester the Molester, or some such thing, in a scene from Paula Vogel’s How I Learned To Drive. Anyone who has ever actually seen Us drive will no doubt be awarding Us an Oscar™ on the spot.)


(Our-O-Scope…)


You're the very soul of compromise, (Also, the very model of a modern major general. Also, Shut. Up. Kelli.)


cooperation and hospitality at the moment, (Well, if We have to cooperate, somebody’s gonna get hospitalized, so yeah.)


so if you have an apology to deliver or accept, this is the perfect time to do it. (We are so very, very sorry that other people are so stupid, tiresome, and inadequate. We apologize profusely for all of their multitudinous shortcomings, and fervently hope they will try to do better in the future, although We are not at all optimistic.)


Every encounter you have is destined to be quite pleasant in a variety of interesting ways. (Somehow, that sounds suspiciously like a threat.)


You tried, but you just couldn't shut up and not say those hurtful words. (Um, the shutting up? All you, Kelli. Oh, and NOW, please.)


You can't take them back, but you can apologize. (Again, We are so very, very sorry that you can’t handle the truth. (If that cropped up too quickly for you to hear it in Jack Nicholson’s voice, We’ll wait while you go back. Because that’s just the kind of Oscar™-winning Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) We are.))


The sooner and sweeter, the better. (Also, the bigger the better the more in the sweater. (That was for Our str8 boi readers. For Our g@y boi readers: “The bigger the better the more in the sweatpants.” You’re welcome.))


It's not as much as you deserve, but you can certainly expect a bit more in your paycheck soon. (What eez zees paycheck of which you speak?)

No fair jumping the gun, though. (There’s a gun? Things are looking up!)


Wait and see. (No.)


(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


I can’t seem to forget you, your cowgrass stays on my mind.)