Greetings, Elbow Relaxant Induces Catatonia---Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, March 03, 2010 (We will forego the obvious Happy Hump Day wishes (meanwhile, apropos of nothing, is the opposite of “forego” “backhoe”? And, if not, why not? Discuss.) as We bring you the news that, according to Our WorldWideInterWebNetz this morning, today is Talk In Third Person Day. We are not amused. If you think We are going to abandon Our love of The Royal We for a lot of “Eric says this” and “Eric does that”, you had better hope that you have another think coming, and that you actually rub two neurons together for this one. People in this day and age can barely spell “LOL”; what makes anybody think they’re going to know what the third person even is? Wake Us up when it’s Use The Subjunctive Properly Day.):
(Speaking of the WorldWideInterWebNetz, here’s an article from 1995 about why it will never work. (Found, naturally, on the WorldWideInterWebNetz.) http://www.newsweek.com/id/106554 . Is it just Us, or does it sound suspiciously like the arguments against gay marriage, or pretty much any other conservative “no, you can’t” argument?)
(In other news, if We could find a reliable, off-the-beaten-path source for a Quote Of The Day, Eric’s Daily Horoscope (there’s your d@mn third person; happy?) would have a Quote Of The Day. Since We (there, that’s better) can’t, We don’t, and, consequently, We shall (remember “shall”, boys and girls?) be calling the following, which fell serendipitously into Our laps (yes, We are so fat that We have more than one lap (and bless you, Micro$oft Weird™, for suggesting that We change “fat” to “fast”. If We fasted a little more, perhaps We wouldn’t be so fat.)) today Eric’s Daily Horoscope’s Quote Of Today: "Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." ---Kurt Vonnegut)
(We just had to excuse Ourselves to go to the Little Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist)s’ Room. On Our way back, in the middle of the living room floor, what should We espy but an unconsumed legume from a little grazing episode last evening. We are very kindly refraining from singing all y’all a rousing rendition of “Found A Peanut”. You’re welcome.)
(In still other news, last evening We also completed Our contribution to the upcoming art fillum, The WaitStaff: The Motion Picture! by sitting for an interview. So there’s that to look forward to. Also, We now have dates for Our May show, The Mother Of All WaitStaff Shows; mark your calendars for May 16, 19, 20, and 23rd at L’Etage.)
(Found a peanut, found a peanut, found a peanut ju-ust now…(Heh. We lied.))
(Meanwhile, in DreamLand last night, We found Ourselves on something like The Amazing Race, except for the “amazing” part, which consisted of teaming up with someone whose name We chanced to mention yesterday, but whom We haven’t seen for well over a year, to carry a really big extension ladder(!) all over Philadelphia. Major hijinks ensued when We attempted to cart said ladder through a revolving door. We never did arrive at the end of the race, which is odd, because surely We were going to be expected to climb something, and Our dreams are notorious for Our climbing up things We can’t get down. Later, We dreamt that We were rehearsing one of the sketches from Our recent show with the lovely and talented Gregory G0DD@MN! G. (Hi, Greg!) We woke up thinking that would be a really fun thing to do. (We were also so busy dreaming that We slept in really late; hence the tardiness of this epistle.))
(Our-O-Scope…)
You might want to consider taking a day or so away from anyone you really care about who's been pressuring you to talk about a sore subject. (That sounds almost as if you know what you’re talking about. Who are you, and what have you done with Kelli???)
If not, they'll definitely be getting more than they bargained for. (Yeah, okay, whatever. If you’re not going to say stupid things, however can We mock you? Meanwhile, speaking of bargains, the Philadelphia Home Art Garden (PHAG…no, really) is closing its brick-and-mortar store at 1225 Locust Street to become a totally online entity. All items are currently 25% off, and presumably deeper discounts are coming. So if you’ve had your eye on some gay little tchotchke, run do not walk. Christmas, they tell Us, will come again.)
Why alienate them? (Alienating people would be so much more fun if it actually meant sending them to other planets, wouldn’t it? “I’ve had just about enough of you….go to Uranus!”)
(See? Fun!)
Make your excuses until you feel less ... touchy. (We are NOT “touchy”. We are just very sssssssensitive to the offensive actions of others.)
You're capable of talking anyone into anything. (Mmm-hmm. Missus A-Whiggins, get me Johnny Depp on the phone.)
Don't open your mouth unless it will be beneficial -- and pleasurable -- for you both. (Now that? Is just dirty, and there’s no way around it. Smut, smut, smut.)
'Focused' is the word that first comes to mind when describing your current mood. (Well, the word that first comes to mind certainly has an F and a C in it, but We’re pretty sure it’s not “focused”.)
But then, another phrase that might work is 'as determined as a rabid pit bull.' (How revolting.)
Not offending anyone could be tricky. (So why try? There’s no fun in that, anyway. Much better to make sure that We offend everyone. That way, at least We’re happy.)
That goes double for those hapless individuals who have incurred your wrath in the recent past. (Awww…those poor people with no haps. We cried because We had no haps, until We saw a man who had no feet. Then, We laughed and laughed, because he was trying to do the polka. And it was funny. Because he didn’t have any feet. He kind of “oomped” when he should have “pah-pahed”. Then he fell down. Heh. Crips.)
Concentrate on your affection for your paycheck. (Concentrate on a non sequitur in every strawberry.)
(YOUR-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com
So bring out the cowgrass and bring out the best)
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