And another hundred people just got off of Lorraine

Greetings, Er…Response Indicates Confusion---


(Before We begin, apparently Hotmail and Comcast are having issues with each other. Our notifications are bouncing back from all of Our Comcast users. So, presumably, if you think you have emailed Us from Comcast, you may be mistaken.)


Here is your horoscope for Monday, March 22, 2010 (We thought, since it was Monday, and all y’all’re workin’ for a livin’, you could use a little d1ck. (Well, not a little d1ck…in fact, We don’t pretend to know anything about the size of the pixtured d1cks. Just that they are khaki-covered and camouflaged. (Today on Oprah: does a camouflaged d1ck pass as a hoo-hoo? The question before Us is where’s her clit0ris?) Also, the two couples on the ends seem to have had much more success in figgering out what to do with their d1cks than the two gentlemen in the middle.)):


(Whew! That’s a lotta stuff about d1ck! (See D1ck. See D1ck run. Run, D1ck, run. (You call it reading; We call it kiddie p0rn.)) And just what, We imagine you musing aloud, does all this stuff about d1ck have to do with Eric’s Daily Horoscope? And We shall tell you, as even the most rank amateur Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) knows, d1ck ain’t got d1ck to do with your horoscope, until you consider the position of Uranus.)


(You’re welcome.)


(Meanwhile, Happy Birthday to Stephen Sondheim, who turns twenty-four today. Isn’t it rich? Are we a pair? Me here at last on the ground, you dressed as Cher…)


(It has come to Our attention, thanks to the “Labeling” feature here in Bloggonia, that We mention Cher a lot in Eric’s Daily Horoscope. Not so much because she is particularly newsworthy, but because she conveniently rhymes with lots of stuff. Like Nair™, and au pair. (If Our str8 boi readers would like to pause here and reflect on Nair™ing the au pair’s derriere, We won’t think any the less of you. After all, We did start off with all that stuff about d1ck.) However, We must take great care (heh) that Our Cher labels don’t exceed the labels devoted to The Patron Saint Of Eric’s Daily Horoscope, Mister Johnny Depp. Amen.)


(Our Our-O-Scope.)


Sentimental? (Awww…)


Nostalgic? (No, but We do remember a time when We were…)


Oh my, yes. (Oh my, Shut. Up. Kelli.)


Poetry, love songs and yes, even weepy old movies are all you're interested in at the moment. (Well, that and d1ck.)


You're definitely in the mood for a kinder, gentler world -- but don't toss out the heavy metal CDs just yet. (What about the 8-track tapes? Can We toss out the 8-track tapes?)


This, too, shall pass. (Like gas out your @ss, this too shall pass. Kiss Us quick, We’re a rap star. LL Cool E. Which is, of course, different from LL Coolie, which would be a Chinese rap star. It must be awfully easy to rap in Chinese, since all the words rhyme with “wang”. This is why Sondheim wrote Pacific Overtures in English; because writing it in Chinese would have been no challenge. It’s also why there are no love songs in that show; how can you write a love song for people who can’t say Ls?)


(You know you rove Us.)


Step away from the computer, (Well, that won’t exactly help in getting this extremely tardy horoscope to Our adoring public, now will it?)


and the person you've been IMing who's definitely, absolutely, positively the love of your life. (Does anyone actually IM anymore? Like, on AOL, or some such? We couldn’t tell you the last time We even attempted to turn AOL on…)


Or at least insist on a very, very recent photo. (Of their d1ck?)


It will be impossible to refuse you, no matter what outlandish request you come up with. (See, now you’re just baiting Us.)


You're golden. (Much like the showers.)


(We sped up towards the end there, because it was threatening to become tomorrow before We published this thing, and because We have sketches to write.)


(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


because Cowgrass Fahm remembuhs)