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Tuesday, March 26, 2013

STOP! In the name of love!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday’sChildIsFullOfGraceSlicksToGetToTheCenterOfATootsiePop™GoesTheWeasel… Sorry.  Our stream of consciousness flooded.

So it is an historic day here in the Youessivay.  And yet, We are fairly certain that, no matter what Diana Ross and the Supremes decide, neither Johnny Depp nor Prince Harry will propose marriage to Us any time soon.  Sigh.

In other news, on a messageboard We frequent, someone was discussing signing an email to her union “in solidarity”.  Following which We have decided to sign all of Our communications from here on out “in liquidity”.  Or,  more truthfully, “in gaseousness”.  Because We?  Are twelve.

As you can see, We got nothin’.  So here is the link with which you would share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  Aries video with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums, if you were so inclined:

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:

And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get worse, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:

Okay, how weird is it that We mentioned Diana Ross and the Supremes earlier, and it is actually Miss Ross’s birthday?

Try not to focus on small mistakes today (Focus instead on enormous boners.)

 — check out the big picture and see the positive.  (Also, Acc-ent-u-ate it.)

(What if We’re positive that everything is going to go wrong?)

Your energy requires a bit of a push in order to get moving, (Ex-Lax™. It’s what’s for dinner.)

but sometimes it’s best to go slow.  (Slow and steady wins the race riot.)

(We have no idea what that means.)

Feeling useful will suddenly be extremely important to you  (Not that it will HAPPEN, mind you, but it will be important.)

— right now, you are feeling that it doesn’t really matter whether or not you get what you want today when you see so many others who don’t have anything at all. (Um, yeah.  Have you met Us?)

 If you can be of service to someone today,  (Johnny Depp?  Prince Harry?)

you will make yourself feel valuable, like you are able to do just about anything.  (So, if “anything” includes both “everything” and “nothing”…well, you see Our dilemma.)

You are a positive force in people’s lives  (Well, We don’t want to have to FORCE them…)

— even the people who don’t know you very well just yet.  (A stranger is just an ex-husband We haven’t met yet.)

Everyone talks about wanting to break out of old habits,  (Especially Mother Teresa.)

but no one admits that those habits are comforting.  (Improv scenario: nuns in a strip club.  GO!)

You’re stuck in a love rut for a reason.  (You say that as though it were (subjunctively) a bad thing…but, seriously…”stuck in Prince Harry’s love rut”…”stuck in Johnny Depp’s love rut”…you can see how We would be confused.)

What are the payoffs for not changing? (Billy Joel loves Us just the way We are?)

Are they worth it?  (L’Oreal™…mix a double batch, and get a snatch to match.)

In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.