Hello, Ducks!
Starzina
Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThird’sDay (and Lovey), March
28, 2013. Happy Birthday to Andy, who
turns twenty-four today Somewhere In Suburbia.
Also, Happy Birthday to Alan, who doesn’t EVEN turn twenty-four today,
Somewhere In Urbia.
Our
Google Chrome™ WorldWideInterWebNetzian browser would like Us to know that it
has been updated “with a bettar spellchecker”.
Thanx, Googel Chroam!
In
other news, much like all of the best-laid plans of mice and men to get laid
but not necessarily by each other, Our fame-seeking-missile plan to release a
sex tape has already gang agley, as it (subjunctively) were. This should come
as no surprise to any Gentle Reader with two brain cells to rub together,
dependent as said plan was upon Our obtaining Angelina Jolie’s 2012 Oscar™ gown
and wearing it with one leg clean-shaven and one leg unshaven within
sex-tape-leaking proximity of Brad Pitt and a random Jonas Brother.
(If
you have absolutely no idea what We’re talking about, We shall wait right here
while you go and read yesterday’s e-pisstle to the E-phesians: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/03/and-let-me-kiss-you.html Because trust Us, the nothing that We had
yesterday was really something compared to the nothing that We have today.)
Meanwhile,
We should be moving this right along, as We have dinner plans. Which should mean absolutely nothing at this
hour of the morning, except that the plans involve Us cooking. We are making
dinner for two of the ever-dwindling number of people who would pee on Us if We
were (subjunctively) on fire. Ordinarily, We prefer Our dinner guests one at a
time, so that We can attempt to talk them into making a leaky sex tape during
dessert, but desperate mimes call for Desperate
Housewives, so here We are.
(In
other news, because We are certain that you, like We, are An Inquiring Mind Who
Wants To Know (no, really….who wants to know?), We would like to inform you
that, if you Google “Richard Leakey sex tape” on Wikipedia? You get no results. (Thank GAWD!))
(Perhaps
We didn’t spell it properly.)
(Ah,
so. The intertwining of the jokes. But We are A Highly-Trained Professional…do
not attempt this at home.)
It
has just come to Our (severely limited) attention that it is Maundy Thursday,
which commemorates The Last Supper. Hmmm…perhaps,
during Our dinner party this evening, We shall wash each others’ feet. Now THERE’S a leaky sex tape just waiting to
happen! (In other news, albeit a bit late in the day, the Catholic Archbishop
of New Orleans would like you to know that, on Fridays during Lent, and other
days on which the eating of meat is forbidden, One MAY eat alligator. Because it is a fish. Or something:
http://www.npr.org/blogs/thesalt/2013/03/27/175058833/forget-fish-fridays-in-louisiana-gator-is-on-the-lenten-menu So much for that pesky taxonomy science.)
As
you can see, We got plenty o’ nothin’. And
nothin’s plenty for We Wee Wee all the way home is where the hard-on is…(Sorry.)
So here is the
link with which you would share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Aries video with your friends,
enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums, if you were so inclined:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history,
and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie
Starfish, for comparison:
And now, in case you thought things couldn’t
get worse, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:
In other news, Happy Birthday to Conchata
Ferrell. (You thought We were gonna say “Lady
GaGa”, didn’t’cha? Eric’s!
Daily!Horoscope!: expect the unexpectorated.)
Listen carefully (Sorry…did you say something?)
— your mate, business partner or closest
family member is trying to tell you something. (Well, which one is it? What the hell kind of ass(tromalogical)
ho(roscopular) prediction izzat?)
You have to read between the lines, (Aw,
hell, Kelli…the way you blather on, We have enough trouble trying to figger out
the lines their own selves.)
which isn’t entirely comfortable, but you can
figure it out. (Don’t MAKE Us come over there.)
There
seems to be a trend going on around you. (That’s generally the way things go. AssHat.)
(We would say “See what We did there?”, but
Helen Keller saw what We did there, and wrote a song on the waffle iron for
Marlee Matlin to sing about it.)
People are using their charm (Don’t’cha just
hate people who only have one charm?)
to get what they want while you are doing
things the old fashioned way — (Having the servants flog them senseless , then
fling them over the parapet into the moat?)
(Hey, you do things YOUR old-fashioned way,
We’ll do things OURS.)
(Lest you think We have neglected The
Intertwining Of The Jokes, there are alligators in that there moat.)
you are working for them! (Them who?)
Instead of getting yourself all worked up
over this unfairness, why not consider joining in on the game? (Because We left Our jockstrap at Brad Pitt’s
house?)
After all, you have ten times more charm than
anybody else has right now, (Aw, shucks.)
so why not utilize (Or use. Either one.)
it to
open doors, start conversation with important people, and help you get one step
closer to reaching your goals? (But then
what would We complain about?)
If you’ve had something in mind for a while,
romantically speaking, now’s the time to take some action. (Indeed.
It is The Last Supper, after all.)
Go ahead and try out the online personals or
a friendly fix-up, (A “friendly fix-up”, Kelli?
Seriously? Like that’s NOT just a
euFFFemism for fucking.)
and set some wheels in motion. (Big wheel
keep on turnin’, Proud Mary keep on burnin’.)
(What?
If We shave BOTH legs, We can do Our Tina Turner impression.)
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets
and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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