Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThird’sDay (and Lovey), March 28, 2013. Happy Birthday to Andy, who turns twenty-four today Somewhere In Suburbia. Also, Happy Birthday to Alan, who doesn’t EVEN turn twenty-four today, Somewhere In Urbia.
Our Google Chrome™ WorldWideInterWebNetzian browser would like Us to know that it has been updated “with a bettar spellchecker”. Thanx, Googel Chroam!
In other news, much like all of the best-laid plans of mice and men to get laid but not necessarily by each other, Our fame-seeking-missile plan to release a sex tape has already gang agley, as it (subjunctively) were. This should come as no surprise to any Gentle Reader with two brain cells to rub together, dependent as said plan was upon Our obtaining Angelina Jolie’s 2012 Oscar™ gown and wearing it with one leg clean-shaven and one leg unshaven within sex-tape-leaking proximity of Brad Pitt and a random Jonas Brother.
(If you have absolutely no idea what We’re talking about, We shall wait right here while you go and read yesterday’s e-pisstle to the E-phesians: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/03/and-let-me-kiss-you.html Because trust Us, the nothing that We had yesterday was really something compared to the nothing that We have today.)
Meanwhile, We should be moving this right along, as We have dinner plans. Which should mean absolutely nothing at this hour of the morning, except that the plans involve Us cooking. We are making dinner for two of the ever-dwindling number of people who would pee on Us if We were (subjunctively) on fire. Ordinarily, We prefer Our dinner guests one at a time, so that We can attempt to talk them into making a leaky sex tape during dessert, but desperate mimes call for Desperate Housewives, so here We are.
(In other news, because We are certain that you, like We, are An Inquiring Mind Who Wants To Know (no, really….who wants to know?), We would like to inform you that, if you Google “Richard Leakey sex tape” on Wikipedia? You get no results. (Thank GAWD!))
(Perhaps We didn’t spell it properly.)
(Ah, so. The intertwining of the jokes. But We are A Highly-Trained Professional…do not attempt this at home.)
It has just come to Our (severely limited) attention that it is Maundy Thursday, which commemorates The Last Supper. Hmmm…perhaps, during Our dinner party this evening, We shall wash each others’ feet. Now THERE’S a leaky sex tape just waiting to happen! (In other news, albeit a bit late in the day, the Catholic Archbishop of New Orleans would like you to know that, on Fridays during Lent, and other days on which the eating of meat is forbidden, One MAY eat alligator. Because it is a fish. Or something: http://www.npr.org/blogs/thesalt/2013/03/27/175058833/forget-fish-fridays-in-louisiana-gator-is-on-the-lenten-menu So much for that pesky taxonomy science.)
As you can see, We got plenty o’ nothin’. And nothin’s plenty for We Wee Wee all the way home is where the hard-on is…(Sorry.) So here is the link with which you would share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Aries video with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums, if you were so inclined:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:
And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get worse, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:
In other news, Happy Birthday to Conchata Ferrell. (You thought We were gonna say “Lady GaGa”, didn’t’cha? Eric’s! Daily!Horoscope!: expect the unexpectorated.)
Listen carefully (Sorry…did you say something?)
— your mate, business partner or closest family member is trying to tell you something. (Well, which one is it? What the hell kind of ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopular) prediction izzat?)
You have to read between the lines, (Aw, hell, Kelli…the way you blather on, We have enough trouble trying to figger out the lines their own selves.)
which isn’t entirely comfortable, but you can figure it out. (Don’t MAKE Us come over there.)
There seems to be a trend going on around you. (That’s generally the way things go. AssHat.)
(We would say “See what We did there?”, but Helen Keller saw what We did there, and wrote a song on the waffle iron for Marlee Matlin to sing about it.)
People are using their charm (Don’t’cha just hate people who only have one charm?)
to get what they want while you are doing things the old fashioned way — (Having the servants flog them senseless , then fling them over the parapet into the moat?)
(Hey, you do things YOUR old-fashioned way, We’ll do things OURS.)
(Lest you think We have neglected The Intertwining Of The Jokes, there are alligators in that there moat.)
you are working for them! (Them who?)
Instead of getting yourself all worked up over this unfairness, why not consider joining in on the game? (Because We left Our jockstrap at Brad Pitt’s house?)
After all, you have ten times more charm than anybody else has right now, (Aw, shucks.)
so why not utilize (Or use. Either one.)
it to open doors, start conversation with important people, and help you get one step closer to reaching your goals? (But then what would We complain about?)
If you’ve had something in mind for a while, romantically speaking, now’s the time to take some action. (Indeed. It is The Last Supper, after all.)
Go ahead and try out the online personals or a friendly fix-up, (A “friendly fix-up”, Kelli? Seriously? Like that’s NOT just a euFFFemism for fucking.)
and set some wheels in motion. (Big wheel keep on turnin’, Proud Mary keep on burnin’.)
(What? If We shave BOTH legs, We can do Our Tina Turner impression.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.