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Friday, March 22, 2013

It might amuse you to know who's invited to go, this time with his pants.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday, March Twenty-Tooth, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Drew, who turns twenty-four today.  But only for the second time.  Isn’t that adorable?  Meanwhile, are Arieses gorgeous or WHAT?  (What the hell happened to Us?)

So OurShowWeDirected, Uncharted Waters (and its companion piece, Superwoman) opened last night to wild acclaim.  Thank you to everyone who came out to support Us.  It plays for two more nights only, so please don’t miss it; perhaps We can obtain a libation afterwards. Here is the SitOnOurFaceBook event where you can find out more about it:

(And, because it occurs to Us that there are some non-SitOnOurFaceBook users amongst Our Gentle Readers, here is a link to the actual theatre company where the same information can be obtained:

When We started e-pisstlizing this morning, We had every intention of polling* Our Gentle Readers on their Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! reading/naked skimming habits as a prelude to some improvements**  We intend to implement in the coming weeks.  However, the more We became distracted by bright, shiny things on the InterWebz, the more We realized that We don’t actually give a crap, and will do as We damn well please.

(It may have also occurred to Us that, even without a poll, We already know that Friday is Our least-read day (barring days when We e-pisstlize on the weekend), so why bother?)

*Please note that We said “polling Our Gentle Readers”, not “pole-ing Our Gentle Readers”.  We have few enough Gentle Readers as it is.  (However, We do recall once discussing how many of Our Gentle Readers’ poles We have actually seen, which number stretches, astonishingly, into the double digits.)

**”Improvements” is, of course, an American business term meaning “random changes that benefit only the party implementing the random changes, to the consternation of all other interested parties”.  See also “SitOnMyFaceBook”.

Here, meanwhile, is the link with which you would share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  Aries video with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums, if you were so inclined:

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:

And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get worse, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:

It is Marcel Marceau’s birthday.  And, as he would say:

You need to indulge your need for physical action.  (But first, perhaps, a nap.)

Try dancing, spinning, jogging or any other vigorous activity that sounds fun (How about pole-ing Our Gentle Readers?)

— your fiery energy is sure to keep you going a good long time!  (Hmm.  It seems We were right the first time.  It would be rude to pole Our Gentle Readers if We were (subjunctively) on fire.)

 If you are in the midst of a heated fight or toasty squabble with a loved one,  (Is it just Us, or is Toasty Squabble™ a British breakfast cereal?)

you can expect the temperature to get, well, even hotter today.  (What the hell is up with that “…, well,…” in the middle?)

It’s not exactly enjoyable, but it is progress.  (Pilgrim.)

This is going to be the worst of it,  (Plus, it will last forever.)

and once the two of you go through the fire, you’ll both be better off — and your relationship will be even stronger.  (Well, except for the part where he ate the last of the Toasty Squabble™ and didn’t buy more.)

Honesty is important in any healthy relationship, (That is such a lie.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

although it isn’t always easy to give or take. (Or poll or pole.)

Telling them what they want to hear is a waste of time.  (You’re only telling Us that because you think it’s what We want to…oh, never mind.)


You can charm just about anyone you meet today.  (Charm the pants right off of ‘em, We shall.  (And thus see their poles.))

You’re tempted  (Lead Us not into temptation.  We’ve already been, We’ve checked in on FourSquare, and We are the mayor.)

to try to be everything for everyone at all times, but of course, you’d end up disappointing everybody — including yourself.  (Why would We ever waste time disappointing Ourself when We’ve got so many other people to do it for Us?)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.