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Friday, August 19, 2011

You probably think this song is about you

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for FriedEgg, August 19, 2011.  Ah, that hazy line between LegendInOne’sOwnMind and Gen-U-Wine-Celeb-U-Tard…how and when does One finally cross it?  Here’s a hint:  acting like an asshole is NOT a necessary part of the equation.  Especially if you’re still trying to claw your way UP to The F List.  KThxBye.

But enough about Dreary Other People…let’s talk about Us.

We promise that when WE finally ascend to the heights of fame and fortune which We well and truly deserve, We won’t be any more of an asshole than We are right now.  You’re welcome.

Do you have your tickets to The Wedding Consultant yet? Before you get all cocky and lie to Us, you should be advised that We are now receiving a daily box office report.  So We’re gonna ask you one more time… Do you have your tickets to The Wedding Consultant yet?  Whip out your Visa™ and commence  to clicking, bee-yotch:

Meanwhile, last call for Leo approacheth apace, and soon We shall be ripping into Virgo like the captain of the Chess Club into an ugly girl’s hymen. (We know how excited you all get when We flex Our litter-hairy muscles.  You’re welcome.)  You cannot imagine the Very Special Episode of Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope that We’ve created just for the occasion.  Till that titillating temptation toddles along, here’s one last look at Leo:

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Buster Keaton starring in Buster  Hymen.  Or, the HorrorScope:

You need to wrangle your possessions into some kind of order today.  (Okay, We?  Do not “wrangle”.  Unless there are gentlemen in assless chaps involved.)

That could mean a straight-up inventory,  (Not bloody likely.)

or just cleaning out that one drawer or closet that’s always so much trouble.  (Or just putting the damn drawer IN the damn closet, and thereby solving the entire conundrum.)

 Controversy will be your ally today. (No it won’t.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

It will create a nice, loud, distracting noise that will keep everyone busy —  (Look…she’s trying to goad Us into telling more fart jokes, like the other day!  We shall not be goaded.  Or wrangled.  Or controversed.)

(Okay, We are totally not making this up:  Micro$oft Weird™ is suggesting that We change “fart jokes” to “fat jokes”.  Is 10:30AM too early to get really drunk and have a good cry?)

and out of your hair! (Wet fart!  Who’s got a comb?  (Sorry…that fart joke just sort of slipped out.  You’ll need to keep a much better grip on Uranus.))

You will need all the elbow room (Wait…who said you could put your elbows up there?)

(You’re pixturing that now, aren’t you?  Mentally rushing to fill the WorldWideInterWebNetzian niche market for elbow porn.  Cheeky wanker.)

 and autonomy  (Auto who?  Auto-nom-nom-nom-y.)

you can get today, as it’s the perfect day to put new ideas to work. (If Our ideas go to work, will they come home with a paycheck?)

Get in some of that research, planning or organizing you need to do as early in the day as possible.  (That sounds like a lot of work.)

 By late afternoon, people could be hovering around you again, looking for the answers only you can give. (The answer, my friend, is farting in the wind; the answer is farting in the wind.)

 It’s not always easy to be agreeable and charming, (But if you’re going to pick one or the other, remember that “charming” at least has its very own prince.)

but today you seem to be glowing with good vibes. (Insert recreational drug joke here.)

Share your positive mood with friends and let your energy recharge those around you.  (Why?  What did they ever do for Us?)
 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.