Google+ Followers

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

I’ll give you five fingers for a one-man show

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Winston Churchill, August Tenf, 2011. We trust you are all enjoying your Hump Day so far.  Apparently, Our Own Personal humps have been mislaid. (Heh.  “Mislaid.”  Get it? (Speaking of bad sex jokes, here are two of ‘em for ya right away.  We were poking about (as it (subjunctively) were) on the WorldWideInterWebNetz recently, and We came across (heh) a porno clip entitled “Group Orgy”.  Presumably because a Solo Orgy was way too difficult to shoot. (Heh.  We said “shoot”.) Then, on a sex forum, someone asked the brilliant question, “Would you have incest with a family member?”  How exactly would you have it without one?))

Ooooh, We just stumbled across a third one.  This was in a legitimate restaurant review, and We are NOT making that up:  “flaccid as a dead dog’s dick”.  (Because We know you are an inquiring mind who wants to know (ya know?), We will tell you that it was referring to the chips accompanying fish and chips.)

We’ll pause here for station identification, and to give you all a moment to mental floss.  Perhaps you’ll even wander over to Our friend Astrogeek’s Skywatch ( ) and tell him We sent you.  (Confidential to Chris (We put it in parentheses so no one else could see):  your Davey Wavey link is misspelled.)
So do you have your tickets to The Wedding Consultant yet? Seriously…do NOT fuck with Us on this one; We are NOT kidding.
Watching the following video does not excuse you from attending The Wedding Consultant.

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Macaulay Culkin in drag as Michael Jackson….Or, the HorrorScope:

It has just come to Our attention that Macaulay Culkin will be turning THIRTY-ONE YEARS OLD later this month.  Get to the credenza! (Was anyone NOT aware that that was supposed to sound like “Get to the choppa!”?)

You can’t go it alone today (Awww…and here We were so looking forward to Our solo orgy.)

 — but the success may still be all yours!  (Honey, if We could suck it all by Ourself, We’d never leave the house.)

(Smut.  It’s what’s for breakfast.)

It’s a really good time for you to step up and lead the charge, (Good thing We have a charge card.)

using others to help win. (Who are these “others”, and since when do We get to use them?)

If they win too, (Who gives a shit?)

so much the better!  (Or that.)

Collaboration is time-consuming and tricky, (If done properly, it is also trick-consuming and timely.  (This, of course, assumes (thereby sticking Macaulay Culkin up Uma Thurman’s ass) that “collaboration” is a euphemism.))

(The preceding paragraph is now causing Us to wonder why Micro$oft Weird™ recognizes “Macaulay” but not “Culkin”, and “Thurman” but not “Uma”.)

but it will definitely create a better environment for you and your people today. (You keep telling Us We have people.  We have yet to encounter them.)

 Enter any discussion with an open mind and open ears (But most importantly, make sure Uranus is open.)

(There’s just nothing like a good Uranus joke, is there?  Too bad We don’t know any.)

— if you listen to what other people have to say, (Sorry…what?)

you will encourage them to speak honestly. (Who the hell wants THAT?)

It has never occurred to you to use other people to your advantage, (Certainly not.)

although the same cannot be said of some people in your group.  (This would be the group orgy of which We spoke earlier.)

Be aware of that fact before you accept everything at face value.  (This face has no value whatsoever.  It does, on the other hand, seat five.)

Your drive for professional success can also be used towards your dating goals. (Is it just Us, or does “dating” in the same sentence with “professional” equal “prostitution”?)

Give yourself challenges when it comes to meeting new people (Alternatively, give yourself news when meeting challenged people.)

and see if you can accomplish them in reasonable deadlines. (Dead is dead, Bay-Bee.)

Make a game of it. (How about Chutes and Ladders?  (Did that sound dirty to you?  Because it sounded dirty to Us.))

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.