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Tuesday, August 9, 2011

You know you love me for my pink Cadillac, plush velvet seats…

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for TootsieRoll, August 9, 2011.  Happy belated birthday to TCBITWWW, who turned twenty-four yesterday.  On a Monday, no less.  Which seems like exceedingly poor planning to Us, but, hey, We can’t control everything.  Least of all the top of Our pantyhose.  (Micro$oft Weird™ just suggested to Us that the “but” in the sentence preceding the preceding sentence might want to have only one T in it.  Apparently, as Bruce Wayne is to Batman, Micro$oft Weird™ is to Captain Obvious.)

Meanwhile, here at Casa de CootieCatcher, We have so many things to do, We don’t know whether to scratch Our watch or wind Our ass, as your quaint American saying goes.  Of course, We don’t actually wear a watch, and the less said about Our ass, the better, so We’re not exactly sure what that saying has to do with anything, but still.  Among today’s projects are finding the least expensive printer for Our posters and postcards, doing the shopping We were assigned by the costume designer, listening to the first draft of the music from the composer, and sending about eleventy-twelve kabillion emails in a desperate effort to put butts (two Ts) in seats and not lose the money We don’t have.  And did we mention that Himself has abandoned the show, and we are going to have to perform it as well?  Not, that We ever have any time to do anything so mundane as study Our script, mind you. 

We are so frazzled that the preceding sentence had “mind you” in it twice.  With two Ts.

In case We have been unclear on this subject, We are bringing back The Wedding Consultant, starring Starzina Starfish-Browne, from September 2-18, at the Walnut Street Theatre Independence Studio on 3. Needless to say (and yet promptly saying it), you are all expected to attend. Especially those who didn’t so much show up last time.  And yes, We have kept records.  Drop by on SitOnMyFaceBook here:

Speaking of Starzina, We are quite taken with today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Béarnaise Bordelaise Bouillabaisse Helen Hayes, which depicts a little Starzina-In-Training.  We are especially impressed with the convenient bottle of what appear to be Manhattans.  You go, gurrrlll.

Have you seen this video?  (We would put that on the side of a milk carton if We could.)

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Ernest Borgnine’s proctologist feeds you butterscotch (two Ts) pudding (two Ds) with his bare hands. Or, the HorrorScope:

Be ready to act on a moment’s notice today (Act?  Who has time for that?  We’ll be lucky if We have time to rehearse.  (Meanwhile why does it suddenly look like the middle of the night outside?  If the world has ended and no one told Us, We’re going to be royally pissed.))

— opportunities don’t stick around for long!  (But Opportunity’s knockers are forever.)

(That joke just never gets old.)

That said, you also need to watch out for their tendency to elbow past others to succeed.  (Ah, the elbow.  One of the most literarily neglected body parts.  Unlike, say, knockers, which are pretty much literarily ubiquitous.)

Try to temper your aggression and ambition right now. (Try to get out of Our way and go fuck yourself.  (Heh.  See what We did there?))

(Jeebus Cripes, it’s dark!)

You might not realize it, but you are on the fast track, (We are on the Freeway of Love, Bay-Bee.)

driving for success like a caffeine-buzzed racecar driver. (Somehow, in a world with crystal meth and crack cocaine, “caffeine-buzzed” doesn’t so much punch up the power of your metaphor.  Asshat.)

(Caffeine does, however, have two Fs in it.  Unlike Our Own Self.)

It’s time to pay closer attention to the speed-limit signs (Sorry…what?)

— they are there for your protection. (And then the condom broke.)

Today, don’t worry about who might speed past you.  (We are too busy worrying about who’s going to speed OVER Us.)

Sooner or later you are destined to find best approach when it comes to getting a date. (Apparently, it’s cash money. And lots of it.)

Try different things to find your own comfort zone. (Just NOT That Thing You’ve Always Wanted To Try With The Lemur, please.)

Perhaps online personals are your thing. (Remind Us again why they’re not called “online impersonals”?)

Or maybe you shine best when mingling at a party. (We certainly shingle best when mining at a party.)


Just give it your best shot! (SHOTS!!!)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.