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Monday, August 15, 2011

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you drink beer?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Here She Comes Now Sayin’ Manet Monet, August Fifteenf, 2011. We are reproducing the Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Adolph Hitler’s Evil Siamese Twin in case you missed it on SitOnOurFaceBook, where We did not also post its companion piece, which is subtitled, “Jeebus, Marcus, watch the teeth!” (It is the editorial policy of Erix Daily Horoscope not to dignify these Spawns Of Satan by mentioning their actual names within these pages.  For example, never once since the 2008 election have We named by name that stupid twat who couldn’t even last a whole term as governor of Alaska.  Meanwhile, this festering bitch from the Left Side Of Hell complete with vagina dentata makes the aforementioned twat look like the Bobbsey Twins on a picnic.)

Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to change the second occurrence of “twat” in the preceding paragraph to “that”.  How ‘bout We split the difference and change it to “cunt”?

Meanwhile, you are no doubt aware that “vagina dentata” is meant to be sung to the tune of “Hakuna Matata” from The Lion King.

We just had to claw Our way up out of this genital badinage to answer the door, where a UPS lesbian presented US with Our Wedding Consultant  publicity postcards.  It may interest you to know that 3000 postcards?  Weigh 27 pounds.  Or it may not.  We don’t really give a shit.
So do you have your tickets to The Wedding Consultant yet? Seriously…do NOT fuck with Us on this one; We are NOT kidding.

Meanwhile, “Genital Badinage” was both Our nickname and our favorite pastime in high school.

In still other news, We had a dream this weekend which involved Jeffery Self, star of Logo’s Jeffery and Cole Casserole.   Because We are a big whore, We SitOnOurFaceBook-messaged him to tell him about it.  Because We are an even bigger whore, We are sharing that message with you:

Dear Jeffery,

Ordinarily, I don't tell people about their appearances in my dreams, especially if I don't know them personally. (I'm a little gun-shy since the Johnny Depp/restraining order incident.) But I thought I would make an exception and share this story with you.

In my dream, I was visiting my friend TCBITWWW (hi, TCBITWWW!) in LA. We were sitting in his living room with the sliding glass doors that look out on the boardwalk and the beach. (In my dreams, apparently, all Californians live on beachfront property. In real life, of course, I am aware that this is not true. Some people live in West Hollywood.)

As we were chatting, you and a friend walked by outside. I waved at you, and you waved back, then kept walking past. After you had gone, I said to myself, "He's gonna come back and stop in", and lo and behold, you did.

I let you in (you left your friend outside, presumably to run for help in case we turned out to be deranged or something), introduced you to TCBITWWW, and we had a very nice conversation for several minutes before you rejoined your friend and left.

It was only after I woke up that I realized that, when I introduced you, and throughout our entire conversation, I referred to you as "Cole Escola".

No need for a restraining order; I live on the East Coast.

Have a great day!

Speaking of whoring, Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Virgo video is getting ready to drop next weekend, and We couldn’t be more excited if Jeffery Self himself made Us a casserole and brought it by Our beachfront property.  Meanwhile, has a single one of you passed the Leo video on to your friends with Leo birthdays?  If not, why not?

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: “Grainy raisin muffins always get me down!” exclaimed Karen Carpenter as she crammed her fingers down her throat.  Or, the HorrorScope:

As impetuous as you are in love, life constantly bombards you with lessons of patience and timing. (To say nothing of unfortunately-timed bouts of ferocious flatulence.)

(No, really.  Say.  NOTHING.)

But one day, (One fine day?)

the fates will collide and you and your perfect match will find each other.  (And We will use that perfect match to light Our farts.)

(Can We sustain an entire Erix Daily Horoscope with noting but fart jokes?  Keep an eye on Uranus and see!)

Until then, live in the best of your fiery essence, Rams.  (Do We even need to say anything here?)

Your curiosity, (Which, of course, killed the cat.  However, being the cockeyed optimist that We are, where all you see is a dead cat, We see Chinese food!  Soy-sauce-and-five-spice farts all around!)

although it’s certainly a useful asset, (Heh.  Kelli said “ass”.)

 is something you should try to keep a handle on today. (Is that a handle on Our ass, or a handle on Uranus?  And is the handle more like a doorknob, or more like a broom handle?  (Doorknobs and Broomsticks was, of course, a little-known Walt Disney porn film about a French flatulence fetishist with a pheasant feather fixation.))

It’s not wise to go exploring in unknown territory; (Especially around Uranus.)

you need to do whatever you can to keep your day on track. (And here We are, putting all of Our efforts into keeping Our day on crack.)

Don’t do anything new — especially if it involves new people or unfamiliar social situations. (Farting in church, for example.)

Stick with the faces and places you know well today. (If your face is sticky, We know what places you’ve been putting it in.  Trollop.)

Today is definitely a day to go where everybody knows your name.  (Cheers, queers. (Beer farts.))

Help others reach their potential. (As Sally Struthers would tell you, just one annoying idiot can feed a tribe of cannibals for thirty-seven days. (Soylent-Green-is-people farts. (People, people who fart people, are the luckiest people in the world.)))

Sometimes all it takes is a sincere pep talk to motivate a person.  (And sometimes an insincere poop talk will do the trick.)

Believing in someone is more important than you might realize. (Especially if they are imaginary.)

(Ooops…that was the end.  Clearly, We should be ending with a fart joke…wet fart!  Who’s got a comb?)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.