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Monday, August 1, 2011

You could drive a person crazy

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Moon Pie, August 1th, 2011.  Happy belated birthday to Brian, and to Randy, both of whom, coincidentally, turned twenty-four this past weekend, and neither of whom is reading this.  You know, if all the people who are NOT reading this were laid end to end, they’d be getting laid a hell of a lot more than We are.  But then, you knew that already.

Self-referentially speaking, Our Google Bloggoni-O-Meter, of which We are growing inordinately fond (would that We had not (subjunctively) screwed up Our Google advertising plan, and were using said Bloggoni-O-Meter to count incoming shekels), informs Us that today, so far, prior to the posting of this Episiotomy to the Corinthians, there were nine people poking about (OOOOOHHH!!!) in Our archives, reading totally random entries, none of which were recent.  We are particularly fond of the peruser who got here by means of Googling “Daniel Radcliffe’s penis”.  (And no, We are not making that up.)

In random weekend news, We wandered past some sort of car show on Passyunk Avenue this weekend, where it occurred to Us that We couldn’t care any less about cars if they had prolapsed rectums and sang Chinese opera about nuclear physics.  We do, however, strenuously object to the appellation “vintage cars” being applied to automobiles constructed during Our lifetime.

Rectum…it nearly killed ‘em.

It just occurred to Us (there’s a whole lot of occurrence going on in here this morning, no?) that now, this particular Episcopalian to the Ephesians can be found by Googling “Daniel Radcliffe’s penis” and “rectum”.  Perhaps Daniel Radcliffe his own self will stop by…We hear he’s looking for work.

In still other news, lest you think We’ve been shirking Our bizarre dream duties, We dreamt last night that We were applying for a job at Taco Bell.  In Altoona.  And, while We are fairly certain that there IS a Taco Bell in Altoona, We are pretty sure that it is not in Beautiful Downtown Altoona. Also that, wherever the Altoonian Taco Bell may be, One does not enter it through its roof.  Also also that, if One were (oh, so subjunctively) applying for a job there, One would not be expected to bring One’s entire extended family along.  (One would think that We had EATEN at Taco Bell before going to sleep.  One would be wrong.)  

Have you got your tickets for the hottest show in this year’s Fringe Festival yet?  In case We have been unclear on this subject, Himself will be bringing back his marriage equality one-man show, The Wedding Consultant, from September 2-18, at the Walnut Street Theatre Independence Studio on 3. Needless to say (and yet promptly saying it), you are all expected to attend. Especially those who didn’t so much show up last time.  And yes, We have kept records.  You can obtain tickets here:

In still other news, We are repeating the following paragraph verbatim in its entirety because you so resoundingly ignored it the first time.  We are in the midst of preparations to shoot the next Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope video, and We are very excited. This will of course be the Virgo edition, and if you know anything about Our history (which is right down below in fine print, and has been for over a year and a half now), you know that this is destined to be A Very Special Episode Of Blossom.  Speaking of Our history, here is a little Starzina trivia quiz to amuse you on this summer Friday; whoever gets the most answers correct will win A Very Special Prize (which will have nothing whatsoever to do with Mayim Bialik):

1.  What was the name of the webzine for which Starzina was originally created?

2.  Which of Starzina’s toes was bleeding profusely throughout the filming of the Gemini video?  (See how fair this is…you have a one in twelve chance of getting that right.)

3. What two Philadelphia theatre celebrities were referenced by Starzina in the show in which she made her first public appearance?

4. Who was the only member of the WaitStaff who appeared in the aforementioned show?

5. What color are Starzina’s shoes in the three videos that are currently available?

And here’s where you can find that last answer:

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Daniel Radcliffe’s hairy potter.  Or, the HorrorScope:

Before We begin the HorrorScope proper, We must just point out this senetence that appeared in an Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopular)-related email We received this morning: “August 1 will shine as flirty Venus blows a kiss to bubbly, unconventional Uranus”.  ‘Nuff said.

Someone is driving you crazy (Which, We will hasten to point out before YouBitches do, is not a very long drive.  Basically, if you can get the key into the ignition, Daniel Radcliffe’s hairy potter.  (That really doesn’t make any sense, does it?  Not that that will stop Us, mind you.))

— but they likely have an ulterior motive. (The more We look at the word “ulterior”, the less it looks like a word.)

Let them keep agitating until you figure them out, (We could shove ‘em into Our front loader.  It doesn’t have an agitator.)

(“Shove ‘Em Into Our Front Loader” was, of course, Our nickname in high school.)

and then shut them down in whatever way feels most appropriate.  (This laundry metaphor really isn’t gonna go anywhere, is it?  Not like, say, Daniel Radcliffe’s hairy potter.)

All the self-discipline you’ve been struggling to master so well comes into play today. (Oh, We know.  First, We spoke sternly to Ourself, then We made Us go sit in the time-out chair.  As soon as We finish writing this, We’re going to give Ourself a spanking.  Well, Our monkey, anyway.)

Despite fun distractions and exciting invitations, (Also, fund extractions and inviting eructations.)

you need to stick to what you’re doing. (See also:  monkey, spanking the.)

Don’t lose focus (Sorry…what?)

— you’ve got to finish what you’re doing with that new person or new routine!  (“New routine”?  What are We, a baton twirler?)

(We will pause here, while you pixture Us twirling batons.  Preferably flaming.  (Yes, both the batons AND Us.  Shaddup.  Bitches.))

Smart folks will come out of the woodwork soon, (How smart can they be if they’ve been in the woodwork?   What are they, fucking termites?  Stupid termitefuckers.)

and they’ll have encouraging offers and supportive pats on the back for you. (Oh, yay.  Pats on the back.  May We also have a plastic cup full of lukewarm tap water?)

 They have faith in you, (Wow.  They’re gonna be really pissed when they find out We don’t exist.)

and they’re there for you. (Where?)

Aren’t you lucky?  (No.)

Guess what? (What?)

You’re coasting romantically. (Yes, We are riding the romantic coaster.  It’s just like a roller coaster, but there’s a dildo suctioned to the seat.)

It’s time to tighten up that online profile and get out there. (By “tighten up”, of course, she means “add plenty of mendacious prevarication”.)

(Oh, look ‘em up; We’re not your fuckin’ Funk and Wagnalls.)

Explore new possibilities. (Daniel Radcliffe’s hairy potter.)

Don’t limit yourself to your usual circumference. (Was that a fat joke?)

See what’s beyond the limits of comfort. (Southern Comfort™?)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.