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Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Wastin’ away again in Margaritaville

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Walter Winchell, August 17, 2011.  Happy Humpback Day to all you whales out there.  And yes, that WAS a fat joke.  Back AWAY from the Twinkies™, Bruce Vilanch!  (Heh.  See what We did there?  That was one of Our famous Multiple Entendres.  (It’s multiple because, in addition to all the other innuendos flying around like Wallendas, this marks the first time in written history that Bruce Vilanch and Walter Winchell are sharing a paragraph. (Next week, We’ll be teaching them to go on the paper. (You didn’t imagine you were going to escape without a poop joke, did you?))))

Meanwhile, if Bruce Vilanch MARRIED Walter Winchell, he’d be Bruce Vilanch-Winchell, which, if you say it aloud, sounds exactly like a knock-knock joke in Early Middle Slovenian.  (You dare not attempt to tell said knock-knock joke in English, because you will break into uncontrollable laughter resulting in unfortunate involuntary excretia when you reach the part where you must say “Bruce Vilanch-Winchell Who?”)

These things go so much better when We don’t plan them ahead of time.

Meanwhile, is Our Sistah Ovella the only one who’s still laughing about “flying around like Wallendas”?

Switching gears, Dears, according to statistics provided by Our trusty Google Bloggoni-O-Meter, Our Very Favorite Random Visitor Of The Week Award goes to the person or persons who arrived here by searching “Chinaman rickshaw cigarette lighter”.  (As always, We are NOT making that up.)  First runner-up is the seeker of “au jus stain”, whom We suspect We disappointed by not being Hints From Hell, Louise. And a tip of the old chapeau-peau to Our one visitor last week from Myanmar, which Google helpfully points out, in parentheses, is the same as Burma.  Not that We still have any idea where the fuck it is, mind you, but welcome, one and all.

So do you have your tickets to The Wedding Consultant yet? Now that Himself has dropped out, We have finally learned Our lines, and, We must say, We are feeling like quite the thespian.  We are wearing Birkenstocks, and We may get a cat.

On another subject, are you counting down the days until Starzina Does Virgo, or are you just bating your breath?  We guarantee it is going to be like nothing you have ever seen before.  Meanwhile, here is Starzina Does Leo DiCaprio, who is now going to be truly upset to find himself in the same epistle as Bruce Vilanch-Winchell.

Apropos of nothing, the following just crossed what passes for Our mind, so We thought We’d Cher and Sherilyn Fenn:

Bruce Vilanch-Winchell
Runs through the town
Upstairs and downstairs
In his nightgown…

To those of you who are currently viZZZualizing, you’re welcome.  To Leo DiCaprio, We threw Cher and Sherilyn Fenn in there just for you.  You’re also welcome.

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Leo DiCaprio starring in Bruce Vilanch-Winchell Goes Nudist.  Or, the HorrorScope:

Your energy is kicking in big-time, and you can’t help but move beyond your normal territory today.  (Perhaps We shall go to Myanmar, now that We’ve been visited by a Myanmartian. (Martian! Martian! Martian!))

(We are fascinated that Micro$oft Weird™ wants Us to know that the first and third “Martian!”s are sentence fragments.  The “Martian!” in the middle, on the other hand, is apparently just fine.  It’s not easy being green.)

See if you can get your friends to help, (Or perhaps take Us to see The Help.)

but don’t feel bad if you have to go it alone.  (If We go to the movies alone, it will be to an entirely different kind of movie.)

Culture clashes do not always have to be negative experiences — sometimes, when you meet up with something that’s foreign to you, you make a wonderful new discovery.  (Especially cuisine-wise.  Giving One to wonder, what’s Myanmartian cuisine like?   And is there a nearby  Myanmarket where We can obtain some?)

(We know what you’re thinking.  (Oh, yes, We do; We’re psychic.)  You’re thinking We’ve lost Our Myanmarbles.)

An extremely easy way to experiment in this direction is to eat out in a restaurant that specializes in a food you’ve never tried or even heard of before. (Lookee here!  Kelli’s psychic, too!  (Of course, We knew that already.  We have crystal balls.))

Today, take a walk on the culinary wild side — you just might discover your new favorite snack!  (Myanmarshmallows?  (Oh, please…like you didn’t see THAT one coming.))

 It time to go exploring!  (Where’s Dora?  (It’s like Where’s Waldo?, except you can get arrested for it.))

Invite your crush and some friends to a new hotspot in your hood, (“In your hood”?  Oh, Kelli, you so gangsta.)

or venture outside of your comfort zone for an exciting quest for fun.  (Myanmargaritas!!!)

Get ready for some action in more ways than one.  (In case anybody didn’t realize, that’s code for buttsecks.  (Didn’t see THAT coming (heh), didja?))

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.