Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for FliedLice, WithSixYouGetEggRoll, IBlingFoodOnBicycre, YouHunglyAgainInHalfHour, HeyWhere’dMyCatGo, August 12, 2011. Okay, that right there was Our entire repertoire of Chinese food jokes, with the exception of WangHungLo and Cream of Sum Yung Gai. You’re welcome.
In perusing yesterday’s episode, We noticed that We had given a shout-out to Our friend AstroGeek, who We then further noticed had one-upped Us (did that sound dirty to you? Or just like wishful thinking on Our part?) by putting a permanent link to Our blog on his site. Never One to let the grass grow under Our bong, We quickly investigated Our ability to do the same, and, consequently, you avid (rabid?) readers of Erix Daily Horoscope will notice a new feature off to the right, where We are sharing some of the blogs We follow with all y’all. Now please join hands, and We shall all sing “Kumbaya”.
(We should like to point out that We just had to re-type all of that form memory, as Micro$oft Weird™ ate it. Again, you’re welcome.)
Speaking of WorldWideInterWebNetzian friends, which We have been making since 1997 (who else here remembers the Internet when only The Kewl Kidz were on it?), it is one thing when they are in far-flung places which are still cradles of civilization, like, say, Boston, or West Hollywood, and quite another when they are in places like, say, Ohio, which Our geographically challenged Self always mixes up with Indiana and That One That Has Chicago In It. Just sayin’.
So do you have your tickets to The Wedding Consultant yet? Seriously…do NOT fuck with Us on this one; We are NOT kidding. http://ticketing.theatrealliance.org/sites/livearts/details.aspx?id=19622
Speaking of being hungry again in half an hour, if you watch this video, you will totally be jonesing for the next one, which will arrive in about ten days, and will totally turn your world upside-down. Totally. For realz.
And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Jim Henson used to put his fist up Muppets. Or, the HorrorScope:
You need to pursue your grandest ambitions today (We shall do Our Grande Dame-nedest. (Heh. See what We did there? (If you do, could you explain it to Us?)))
— no matter where they may lead. (As a responsible Ass(romalogical) Ho(roscopulist), We should point out that there will be a full moon in Aquarius this weekend. So keep an eye on Uranus.)
It’s a really good time for you to push for that promotion or to start up your own fantasy business. (We already have a fantasy business. Unfortunately, it only brings in fantasy money.)
When did you lose that famous ‘can do’ attitude of yours? (When We suddenly realized We were The Little Engine That Couldn’t.)
Today you need to try to get it back (Much like Stella Stevens’ groove.)
— so ask friends for encouragement. (Ya hear that, friends? Send encouragement! (Cue crickets chirping.))
They will love to let you rely on them right now, especially after all you’ve done for them. (Oh, We KNOW! We give, and give, and give…)
Think positively — tell yourself ‘You can do this!’ as many times as it takes — because, dear beautiful soul, you can! (“Dear beautiful soul”?!? You DID realize We were kidding about singing “Kumbaya”, didn’t you?)
Your abilities have never lessened, but it looks as though your self-confidence has. (That’s because We ran out of feminine hygiene spray.)
The good news is, you can get it back today. (Well, that’s good. Because We tried substituting Raid™, but it sorta burned a little.)
Achieving your love goals can become a reality if you know how to set reasonable expectations. (Okay…eventually, Johnny Depp will have the restraining order lifted.)
Refrain from putting too much pressure on yourself with crazy deadlines or must-date-super-models-only kind of restrictions. (How would one actually “date” a supermodel? It’s not like they eat dinner or anything.)
This isn’t a movie plot, (Sure it is. Unfortunately, it’s Old Yeller.)
(We just pulled that completely out of Our ass. (We’ll pause here, to give you a chance to enjoy viZZZualizing that.) We’ve never even seen Old Yeller…that’s the McDonna career retrospective, yes?)
so try living in the real world when it comes to love. (YOU try it. We’re busy being reincarnated as Johnny Depp’s Speedo™.)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.