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Monday, September 30, 2013

I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManTitzMonday, September 30rd , 2013.  Happy The Queen’s Birthday to all of Our Australian readers down under, watching their toilet water go down the wrong way.

That was positively lyrical, wunnit?  Sittin’ on the dock of the bay…watching Our turds go down the wrong way…

Kiss Us quick, We’re Otis Redding’s proctologist.

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Eric, (no, not THAT Eric…although feel free to send cards, gifts, and Strip-O-Grams™) who turned twenty-four this weekend right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Happy Belated Birthday also to Patricia (who may or may not be “THAT Patricia”, because We have no idea which Patricia you might be thinking of (although she’s NOT the Australian one)), who also too turned twenty-four this past weekend.

And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Belated Birthday to Chad, who turned not-quite-twenty-four this past weekend Somewhere In Jersey (yes, THAT Jersey).

In other news, from the Just In Case You Thought You Didn’t Have Enough To Worry About Already Department, We just learned that ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY PEOPLE are killed every year by falling coconuts.

Oh, and Universe?  We are too busy to have this cold AGAIN.

And what, you ask, are We been so busy with?  Well, trying to get you to stop using prepositions with which to end sentences, for one thing.  But, more importantly, with remounting (ooooohhhh!) Our show, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour, the best-kept secret of the 2013 Philadelphia Fringe Festival, so that everyone who was too busy Fringing can have a chance to see it.  So get your tickets now, kidz; We’re doing it one night only, Sunday, October 13 at 7:30 at L’Etage:

And here is the HorrorScope:

Meanwhile, in celebrity birthdays, Chances Are…Johnny Mathis is a fag.  Also, Greg Brady (aka Barry Williams) is FIFTY-NINE.  Which is, in a bizarre coincidence, the age Robert Reed (who played his father, Mike Brady) was when he died.

[Insert Twilight Zone theme music here.]

Your brave heart is legendary, (Well, that’s as may be, but We certainly hope you don’t think We’re painting Our face blue.)

so take the time to choose your battles with care today. (Also, your bottles.)

The right word or action at the right time — hard as it may be — can make life far better for everyone concerned.  (So many words, and all We heard was “hard” and “better”.)

Your energy is positively bursting out of you today, (Damn control-top pantyhose are out of control again.)

shining bright light and positivity on everyone you will encounter. (Yeah. ‘Cause THAT sounds like Us.)

To make the best use of all of this contagious enthusiasm, dive into projects or adventures that involve a lot of other people — the more diverse the group is, the better!  (Didja ever get the feeling that you’d totally stumbled into Someone Else’s Horoscope?)

You are especially well-tuned toward other cultures and beliefs, and your mind is wide open to new concepts.  (We are so open-minded that everything has fallen out.)

There are important insights out there that you are finally ready to understand.  (Speaking of understanding, so you’re telling Us the INsights are OUT THERE?  Jigga what?)

So go see into them!  (Actually, for maximum confusion, that should probably be “so go OUT THERE and see INto them”.  AssHatt.)

(That was not a typo.  We have now decided that “AssHatt” looks better with two Ts.)

Working on home projects and just getting organized is a great way to spend the day — especially since busy hands let your heart and soul ponder things in a positive way. (We are “working on” selling tickets to Our show.  Go buy some, won’t you: ?)

 Sort it all out, at home and inside. (Again, with the “in” and “out”.  And not in (heh) a good way.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.