Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, April 12, 2011. Before We forget, as we are wont to do, senility being just another word for nothing left to lose but your mind, happy birthday to David Cassidy, who turns SIXTY-ONE today. Anybody else feel ancient all of a sudden?
So. We stumbled across today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis somewhere out in the wild and woolly WorldWideInterWebNetz. The musical theatre queen in Us was all, “At last, my arm is complete again!”, while the television geek was all, “Hey, Rocky, watch while I pull a hedgehog out of Uranus!” We trust it is amusing to you as well.
Meanwhile, there must be one or two of you out there who are wondering what the hell Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis has to do with anything. And to both of you, We say, “That’s just how We roll.”
Nice day if it don’t rain, eh? So much for all those errands We intended to run. Of course, April showers bring Constance Towers, and all that, but still… (Back in The Day (whatever that means) stars and other Notable Personages would hire what were called clipping services to find mentions of said stars and other Notable Personages in newspapers, magazines, and other print media. One wonders if, in this post-post-modern WorldWideInterWebNetzian world, there is a similar electronic “clipping” service for stars and other Notable Personages, and, if so, if Constance Towers is currently sipping her morning mimosa and muttering, “What the fu(k is an Erix Daily Horoscope?”)
Of all the things We’ve lost, We miss Our mind the most.
Random thought: why would anyone’s dating service profile picture be taken in the produce section of a supermarket?
In other exciting news, there is a smart phone here in Casa de ClutchPurse! We feel so up-to-the-minute new millennium moderne and chic! Of course, it was sent to Us by a survey company, as a tool for tracking Our behavior for two weeks, and doesn’t actually do anything but let Us respond to survey questions, but still! Our rotary cell phone (which still takes nickels and whose number is BUtterfield-8) was pee green with envy, until We discovered that Our fingers are entirely too large to operate the touchscreen on such a device. Also that it wouldn’t play Our 8-track tapes. Then Our rotary cell phone started sniggering at Us behind Our backs. (Yes, “backs”, plural; We are plus-sized these days. We would shop at Lane Bryant, but We get stuck in their revolving door. We ate a meatball off the floor right over there. Once upon a time, We were falling in love; now We’re just falling apart…nothing We can do, We’re a total eclipse of the sun.) Of course, the sniggering soon stopped once We pointed out how unattractive a pee green rotary cell phone was, and shoved the stupid thing into the BetaMax™.
Technology is difficult.
It has just come to Our attention that you Yanks say “snickering” instead of “sniggering”. Which makes Us wonder what you say for “knickers”.
Okay, that was some cunning linguistic humor right there. As there is no doubt no way We shall top that, We shall at this juncture proceed apace with the HorrorScope:
If you’re seeing someone, drop what you’re doing and get in touch with them (Actually, if We were (subjunctively) seeing someone, We would be making an appointment to have Our head examined, because there is No. One. Here.)
— your romantic energy is off the charts! (So she’s saying “off the charts” as though it were a good thing? Not if you’re a pop song. If you’re a pop song, “off the charts” is a very bad thing. (No clue whether it’s good or bad if you’re a Pop Tart™, but then, how many people actually ADMIT to being Pop Tart™s? Sweet Tart™s, maybe, but We digress. (Actually, come to think of it, We digress rather well. One wonders what the jawb market is like for digressers these days. Of course, print digressers are fading out, but there is no doubt some sort of call for electronic digressers, especially if they are well-versed in social media. We shall have to look into this.)))
If you’re somehow single, (How DOES that keep happening?)
you can make some progress toward leaving that state behind. (Please don’t say “behind”. We still have bruises from Our latest revolving door debacle.)
You’re about to be on the receiving end of some really wild news — all of it positive. (From your lips to God’s smart phone. (If God had a smart phone, it would be the SMARTEST phone, yes? Like, if God had an iPhone4, they wouldn’t really dare to announce that they’re putting out iPhone5 in September. Or else God would be all, like, “Dudes, I just upgraded MY phone to an iPhone6.” (Actually, God would more likely be all, like, “Dudes, I just upgraded MY phone to an iPhoneINFINITY”. But only if God were really a smartass. Also a geek. (So what if the entire universe is just a game of Dungeons and Dragons that God is playing with His geeky friends in His parents’ basement?))))
(Wow. That was deep.)
Expect the word to arrive from a higher-up you weren’t sure had ever noticed you, and to be amazed to discover that you definitely haven’t been ignored. (Okay, having just had a digression about God, the preceding sentence is really all kinds of scary.)
Once that news sinks in, you may need to make a decision — a serious, wonderful decision. (Do We, or do We not, want fries with that?)
Prepare yourself for a lovely bolt from the blue. (AGAIN with the God stuff?)
Oh, and if it doesn’t happen yesterday, when you wish everything would happen, (God AND time travel? We are so fu(king doomed…)
be patient. (See Also: Aries, Definition of.)
It’s coming. (So are we. But, much like Christmas, only once a year.)
Mixing family with dating might seem like a recipe for disaster, (No, it would seem like a recipe for incest. Also, it would seem to be against one or more commandments.)
but it’s not actually such a bad idea to get your relatives in on your love search today. (Perhaps We shall have them take Our picture in the produce section of Our local supermarket. We hear that’s what all the Cool Kidz are doing.)
Could it be that your mom’s friend’s cousin really is the one for you? (Does anyone else feel the need for mental floss?)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.