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Tuesday, April 5, 2011

You’re out of the woods, you’re out of the dark, you’re out of the night.



Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, April 05, 2011.  Happy birthday to MizDonna, who turns twenty-four today.  She is, of course, one of Our fellow Arieses...Aryans…plurals are difficult, especially around the holidays.  At any rate, We hope there is cake. (We Our Own Self Personally are way too fat for cake.  Although it has just this minute occurred to Us that, if they can make Carrot Cake, they should certainly be able to make Celery Cake, and THAT should be low calorie, yes? (How many of you saw that capital-C “Carrot” and thought We were going to talk about Carrottop?  Now THERE’S a weight-loss plan. Google his ass and look at some images…bulimia was never so simple. (You’re thinking about Carrottop’s ass now, aren’t you?  Perverted wankers.)))

Meanwhile, Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to change the “way too” in “way too fat” in the preceding paragraph to “excessively”.  Micro$oft Weird™ is gay.

So today, when nefarious demons of the WorldWideInterWebNetz are NOT terrorizing Us by attempting to plunder Our two shekels that We have to rub together, it has decided to be monsoon season outside.  April Showers bring Stephanie Powers, or something. Fortunately, Our neglected to-do list from yesterday contains many tasks that can be accomplished within OurHovelWhereWeDwell. (Why would anyone actually sit around and rub two shekels…er, nickels together?  And does that sound dirty to you?)

Speaking of Our impecunity (it has been a really long time since We’ve declared an Eric’s Daily Horoscope Word Of The Day Du Jour in here…mostly We just assume, thereby making an ass out of Uma Thurman as she thinks about Carrottop’s ass, that you are following along.  But We may have to invent that “impecunity” is the Word Of The YEAR.), We were on SitOnMyFaceBook earlier, on Stouffer’s page (yes, the frozen food people.  If you “like” their page, and play the little game there, they will send you a coupon for a free frozen dinner.  You’re welcome.) We were entering some little sweepstakes that they have, wherein you supply words, a la Mad Libs™, which are used to create a little story, which becomes your contest entry.  Now, We are well aware that sometimes Our sense of humor may be a little more ribald that MainStream America (puke) can handle, so We were being well-behaved.  Or so We thought.  Here is what the clearly deeply disturbed people at Stouffer’s said to Us:

Please keep your answers clean! You need to change the word: fricassee.

We couldn’t make up comedy like that.                                                

Meanwhile, We enjoyed this so much the other day, We thought We’d do it again.  (And, apparently, again, and again, and again. ((And again and again and again some more.(We figger We might as well amuse Our Own Self. (In fact, We may just do it forever and ever.  Or at least till its existence is acknowledged.))):

And so, without a boy named Sue:

Ivory soap, Ivory soap on order.
Hop On Pop, Rwanda made an error.
Ivory soap, Ivory soap on order..
‘Mo, ho, ho, hoMO, ho, ho, hoMO, ho, ho, homo!

Is it time for an inventory? (No, but it’s time for the Spanish Inquisition.  Because NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!)

Even if your workplace has all its stuff well accounted for, (Pigfu(kers.)

you might find some merit in taking stock of what you’ve got around the house. (Well, We at one point had two shekels to rub together.  But apparently that was more fun than We were allowed to have.)

No one wants to be a hoarder, right?  (Little shop, little shop of hoarders…(We shall sing if We want to.  Fricassee you!))

As always, it’s important that you succeed right now (Can We succeed later?  We’re busy now.)

— but it’s even more important that you avoid putting too much pressure on yourself.  (ExACTly.  Why procrastinate today when We can put it off till tomorrow?)

Go easy! (“Easy” is Our middle name.  Well, Our middle initials.  Starzina E. Z. Starfish-Browne.  The Z is neither for Zelda nor for Zinnia.  And the E is silent.)

(That was a little existential humor, for the Zen Buddhists in the house.  (The Z is not for Zen Buddhist, either. (Nor is the E for Existential. (It’s like the sound of one hand clapping, except it’s one deaf-mute laughing.))))

 Pressure, stress and self-doubt are your biggest enemies right now, (And We’re pretty sure Carrottop’s ass is high on the list, as well.)

(Count your damn blessings that We went back to Carrottop’s ass…We were going to do a “biggest enemas” pun.  In GALLONS.)

and they could cause a bit of a landslide if you’re not careful. (BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HAH!!!  “Biggest enemas”…”landslide”…more like a MUDSLIDE!!!  Carrottop’s ass fricassee!)

(That would be called throwing your proverbial enema at the comedy wall to see what sticks.)

The good news is that you already have all the power you need to conquer anything — (See, this is why Dorothy should punch Glinda the Good Witch right in her curly blond face….”You’ve ALWAYS had the power to go home”.  Oh, yeah, bitch?  Well, why the fu(k didn’t you tell me that at the BEGINNING of the movie, you stupid twat?)

(Sorry, was that the outside voice?)

it’s deep inside of you.  (Trust Us, no it isn’t.)

When you need it, all you have to do is believe and it will be there. (This is more of that creative viZZZualization horseshit, isn’t it? Much like every week when We creatively viZZZualize what We will do when We win PowerBall™, and then We don’t fu(king win PowerBall.)

(Was anyone else totally impressed that Micro$oft Weird™ just accepted “horseshit” without batting an eye?)

 If you’re interested in someone, but don’t know what makes them tick — or ticked off — (Try fisting them with the arm you wear your wristwatch on.)

(Heh.  Didn’t see THAT coming, didja?)

then you need to channel your inner detective (Unfortunately for Us, Our inner detective is Miss Marple, and that’s just nasty.)

and find out all you can about their passions (For fashions and cravings for savings?)

and obsessions. (Screw that…find out if they’re fond of fricasseeing.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.