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Monday, April 4, 2011

And she’s Bad. Starzina. Starfish-Browne. The baddest gal in the whole damn town.


Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, April 04, 2011. Spring has sprung, the grass has riz, We wonders where Our fu(kbuddy is. (Hey, you remember YOUR childhood poems, We remember Ours.) Happy birthday to Ronnen, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in San Francisco.   Home of, amongst other things, Rice-A-Roni™, the San Francisco treat. (We have not Our Own Selves Personally ever actually visited San Francisco, but, if We were (subjunctively) to do so, We would hope for a much better treat than some crappy bowl of MSG-laden rice, ThankYouVeryMuch.)

In other news, astute readers (and which of Our Gentle Readers is not a stute?) will have perceived that Friday’s story of an explosion at The Wine Room was merely an April Fool’s Day plaisanterie.  Himself and his little friends tore up the place like highly trained professionals, and hope to be asked back sometime soon.  Meanwhile, mark your calendars for June 1st, the date of their triumphant return to Helium.

Himself, Himself, Himself.  As though He’s the only one around here who ever does anything (when He remembers to get out of bed, that is).  Very soon, We shall be sharing news about Us, Starzina, Our Own Self, which will make you all sit up and take notice.  Bait your breath and wait, kidz, ‘cause it’s gonna be a floozy…er, doozy.

You would think that, an entire weekend having passed (like gas out Our ass) We would have a lot more to report.  You would be Sadly Mistaken. (Sadly Mistaken is, of course, an existential drag queen who reads bad poetry in coffee bars where they only serve tea.)

This just in: We just spent two hours dealing with the hacking of an online account.  Because We sit on Our big fat ass in front of Our computer all the live-long day, We were able to deal with it in real time.  We’re still not sure exactly how it happened, and it was really, really annoying, and We blame Newt Gingrich.

Meanwhile, We enjoyed this so much the other day, We thought We’d do it again.  (And, apparently, again, and again, and again. ((And again and again and again some more.(We figger We might as well amuse Our Own Self.)):

And so, without Pepe LePew:

Periscope, periscope La Jolla.
Stop’N’Shop, Ugandan Scottish terrier.
Periscope, periscope La Jolla.
‘Mo, ho, ho, hoMO, ho, ho, hoMO, ho, ho, homo!

Your mental state is well suited to dealing with your financial situation (Oh, please.  As of this moment, Our mental state is Alabama.)

— and you may find that your energy is perfect for climbing up out of debt (Especially imaginary debt that We did not actually incur.)

or for making canny investments.  (Does anyone ELSE think that, by “canny investments”, she means “shove a roll of quarters up your can”? Just Us?  Alrighty,  then.)

 You still need to get yourself more involved in the rhythms and activities (And the rhythm methods, and the extracurricular activities.  And especially the euphemisms.)

of the people around you (Weebles™ wobble but they don’t fall down.)

(Hey, give Us a break…We’ve spent the morning being tortured.  And We really DID have other things We were gonna do.)

— these folks are looking to you for a new idea or trend, and they have confidence that you’ll dream up something major. (Poor deluded idiots.)

If you need assistance getting something off the ground,  (Our ass doesn’t leave the ground, no matter how much ASSistance We get.)

just ask the supportive crowd that surrounds you. (Friends, Romans, athletic supporters, lend Us your rears.)

(Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to change “lend” in the preceding to “send”.  Brush up yer fu(kin’ Shakespeare, Micro$oft Weird™.)

They have excellent ideas and are eager to help. (We had an excellent idea once.  Fortunately, it passed.)

You need to realize that the people you’ve chosen to include in your life are there for a reason.  (Don’t tell Us, let Us guess…to annoy the living piss out of Us?)

(What exactly IS “the living piss”, anyway?  And what happens if you do it in your PlayTex™ Living Girdle?)

You can’t hurry love (No, you just have to wait.)

— so quit pushing! (What the hell song are YOU singing, bee-yotch?)

Patience may not be your strong suit, (Have We met?  Patience is a powder blue leisure suit hanging in the back of the closet in a house We no longer live in. (How poetical was THAT?  Clearly, We’ve been hanging out with Sadly Mistaken, the existential drag queen.))

but if you relax and avoid rushing through life to find a partner, (If you ever see Us rushing through life, you can pretty much be guaranteed We’re looking for the rest room.)

you’re sure to feel better. (Not if We pee in Our girdle.  (See how it’s all connected and intertwined, like a monkey puzzle wrapped in a Nancy Drew mystery, smothered in smegma, and Nelson Riddle and his orchestra?)

It all may happen sooner if you do! (Indeed.  And for now, We quit, in a desperate effort to salvage Our afternoon.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.