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Friday, April 1, 2011

Look at all my trials and tribulations sinking in a gentle pool of wine


Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, April 1, 2011.  Oh, my dears.  As you know, Himself was supposed to be performing this evening with His little friends at a sold out house at something called The Wine Room in Cheery Hell…er, Cherry Hill, New Jersey.  How distressing, then, to awaken to news of a devastating explosion that leveled the place during the night. Something about an errant muscatel gone awry.  Fortunately, no one was on the premises at the time, although reports have it that Cherry Hill is now awash in grape.

On the plus size…er, side, that leaves Us free to attend the inaugural meeting of Our new support group for Lesbians Who Don’t Know Who Conchata Ferrell Is.  Oh, My Sapphic Sisters, raise your eyes above the poon to behold the lesbian-thespian trail blazed for you by this histrionic icon, from Network and Hot L Baltimore to the current Masterpiece Theatre of Two and a Half Men.

We do so love to do Good Works.

And here, for Our Gentle Readers who enjoy puzzling (as opposed to those who enjoy being puzzled, which is really rather peculiar), here is a puzzle: It is safe for work (unlike Conchata Ferrell’s website), and We hope you enjoy.

You’re welcome.

Meanwhile, We enjoyed this so much the other day, We thought We’d do it again.  (And, apparently, again, and again, and again. ((And again and again and again some more.(We figger We might as well amuse Our Own Self.)):

And so, without Mister Magoo:

Petit ‘Scope, petit ‘Scope de Horreur.
Wop a wop, you'll nevair stop Rip Taylor.
Petit ‘Scope, petit ‘Scope de Horreur.
Non, on, on, non, on, on, non, on, on, non!

You’re facing something pretty serious today — and there’s not much you can do to avoid it. (Well, One could certainly stay in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles instead of heading to Grapey Hill, the site of oenology gone horribly wrong. Duh.)

 The good news is that you’re equipped to handle almost anything, (Clearly a euphemism.)

so stand up for what you think is right.  (Conchata Ferrell for Pope.)

Like a meditative monk, (Or a masturbatory midwife. (Hey, you meta your phors, We’ll muddle Ours.))

you will be searching for a place to reflect upon your own thoughts and feelings today. (For those who wonder about Our Process, it was the preceding sentence that inspired today’s subject line, which is, of course, from Jesus Christ Superstar.  (To the best of Our knowledge, Conchata Ferrell did not appear in either the stage production or the movie of same.) Now don’t you feel just as though you were (subjunctively) sitting right here on Our lap as We type this?  And isn’t that a deeply disturbing mental pixture?)

 This is a wonderful time in your life to look inward for answers. (Or, alternatively, Look Homeward, Georgia Engel.)

(And when’s the last time you thought of HER?  And yet, you mocked Us for Our Conchata Ferrell support group.)

The outside world offers ideas, recommendations and far too many self-help books. (Even if One helps Oneself to a self-help book, is One really helping Oneself, or does the Pope shit on bears in the woods?)

 But only you hold the truly important answers.  (Forty-two.  Also, Shut. Up. Kelli.)

It will take time to find all the answers you seek, but the journey is a constantly surprising one. (And that first step is a doozy.  Also, the first cut is the deepest, and the first whore is a floozy. (Perhaps Our next book should be aimed not so much at children as at the preteen set.  Kiss Us quick, We’re Judy Blume.))

Take the first step today. (It’s just a jump to the left…)

 Quit living like a shark!  (When you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet all the way, from your first cigarette to the Bolshoi Ballet…)

You’re sure to be fine even if you stand still. (And yet, just two sentences ago, We were told to take a step.  Make up your damn mind, bee-yotch.)

Though multitasking may be your best asset, (It’s not.)

it’s still time to stop rushing from thing to thing and instead just focus on your love life. (Our love life IS rushing from thing to thing.  Usually things One puts quarters into.  Is that wrong?)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.