I’m a little bit country, and I’m a little bit rock’n’roll (and I’m schizophrenic and so am I)

                                         

Greetings, Eating Reindeer Impairs Christmas---

(First and Formosa, We will have you know that, in choosing today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Claire De Lune Saskatoon Lorna Doone, We were deciding between the pixture you see before you and a pixture of Charles Nelson Reilly on The Match Game. You’re welcome.)

(Salmagundi, it occurs to Us that, in listing Our jawb qualifications yesterday, We omitted Our excellence at Talking On The Telephone.  Yes indeed, ladies and genitals, when Our phone deigns to inform Us that there are people with whom to speak, We are quite capable of speaking to them.  At length.  We shall have to update Our resume…whatever have We done with that stone tablet?)

(Thelma Ritter, We…well, We don’t actually have a third thing, but We felt We were on a roll.  Unfortunately, it was a Kaiser roll, and We wound up applying it directly to Our ever-expanding @ssz.    But, in the interests of fair play, here, courtesy of OurBlair, is a list of twenty allegedly actual country songs.  (We Our Own Self Personally once put the “(unt” in “country”, but that’s a wh0re of another color.):

1. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

2. How Can I Miss You, If You Won't Go Away?

3. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven, And Your Buns In Bed

4. I Keep Forgetten I Forgot About You

5. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself, Or Go Bowling

6. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger

7. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

8. I Just Bought a Car From a Guy That Stole My Girl, but The Car Don't Run; so I figure we Got An Even Deal

9. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth, Cause I m Kissing You Good-bye

10. I Liked You Better, Before I Knew You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin Better

12. I Wouldn't Take Her To a Dog Fight, Cause I m Afraid She'd Win

13. I ll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

14. I m So Miserable Without You, It s Like Having You Here

15. Please Bypass this Heart

16. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now

17. Mama Get a Hammer, There’s a Fly On Papa's Head

18. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus

19. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him

…hmmm, apparently there are only nineteen.  Our Own Personal favorite is Number 18. Which, now that We’ve Googled it on Wikipedia, appears to be a Jimmy Buffett song.  Ya learn something nude every day. (We are wearing a bathrobe, in case you were accidentally pixturing Us learning that nude.))

Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, November 09, 2010 (How very vividly We recall from Our days of slaving and toiling in the salt mines of the working world that nothing, but NOTHING any good ever came of a Tuesday.  And somehow, We are sure that today will be no different.):

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

You're far too busy right now to pay attention to such trivial issues as your home or your career. (Well, DUH.  The phone’s not gonna talk on ITSELF.)

Problem is, each (See, if that sentence had started out “Problem is, how do you…” then “blemish” would be a hidden word.  (This is the sort of thing We think of.  Did We mention that We were good at puzzles?  That’s another jawb qualification.  Oh, Our Madd Skillz Setsz…how We loves them!))

of these areas of your life may have several persuasive representatives on board to lobby you in their direction. (That sounds a lot like politics.  You can tell, because it’s boring.)

Whew!  (She ejaculated.)

Better double up on those vitamins.  (Okay.  Hang on a mo’ while We put some AA batteries in our BB gun and shoot you in the double-DDs before We have to explain what FF stands for.)

(Heh.  Are We ten of the funniest people you know, or what?)

(WHO said, “or what”?)

Just when you thought it was safe to come out, (Kiss Us quick, We’re Charles Nelson Reilly.)

friends are starting to take bids on how long you'll be able to manage the balancing act you've been juggling.  (Okay, that there? Is a whole lotta coordination that We ain’t got.)

Is it truly impossible to serve two masters? (Oh, please.  We can’t even have plain ol’ vanilla s3x, and you’re gonna start in with this S&M cr@p?  Feathers or leather, it’s all just drag.)

Maybe not -- but it will become eminently clear to you now that it's certainly not easy to pull off. 

(Hah.  We can pull off all by Our Own Self.  Easy as pie.  (Cream pie.  (Heh.  We kill Us.)))

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )