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Monday, April 21, 2014

Hold me closer, Tony Danza







Hello, Ducks!





Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManiacalManEatingManateeMonday, April 21rd , 2014.




Happy Birthday to Michael, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Also, Happy Birthday to Suzy, who also turns twenty-four today.  In Virginia.  (About which We seem to have no jokes.  (We have plenty of West Virginia jokes, in case you were considering moving for next year.))




Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Beck, Jasmine, Marilyn, Nancy, Nima, Sara, Steve, and Tim, each of whom turned twenty-four somewhere in the universe sometime since Friday.




In today’s scandalous show business news, it has come to Our attention that someone has submitted Us, along with some two-hundred-odd other glittery specimens, to Who Should Be On RuPaul's Drag Race Season 7? (http://www.ranker.com/list/who-should-be-on-rupaul_s-drag-race-season-7-/dragaholicnews?page=3 )






We are hovering around the middle-to-lower end of the pack, which means We have about as much chance of turning up on television as We do of being mistakenly crowned Queen of Norway.  But We thought We should let you know, as it might amuse you.  And also because We’d really like to know how We got there. (No, we did not submit Our Own Self.)






Meanwhile, those of you who have been around Us personally since around the beginning of April or so may have noticed that We have been a wee tad flakier than usual. (Kiss Us quick, We’re a Frawnch pastry.  (Napoleon.  Napoleon Blownapart. (You DID say that just like “Bond. James Bond”, didn’t you?  ‘Cause, if not, We’ll wait while you go back.)))





Turns out, The Sainted Mother spent most of that time consorting with the medical community, who wanted to remove her gizzard.




Now, gizzardectomies are usually done on women in their forties, so imagine Our surprise to learn that The Sainted Mother, who is twenty-four (much like Our Own Self), was going to have one!  (Where is the time machine? It’s in the credenza.  Where is the credenza?  It’s in the time machine.)




Turns out also, there are two different ways to do a gizzardectomy: an easy way, and a hard way.  It will come as no surprise to anyone who knows Us that, in Our family, We tend to do things the hard way.  Also, the doctors claimed they had to do it the hard way, because her gizzard was inflamed, and thus too large to come out the easy way. (Again, no surprise in Our family…We tend to get inflamed when people try to take stuff from Us. (We also, in Our family, tend to run to Large Organs…why, Our Great Uncle Mortimer once had a harmonium that was so large, it couldn’t be squeezed the whole way into his parlor.))




(Did that sound dirty to you?  Because it sounded dirty to Us. (And We can only imagine how it would sound to Great-Uncle Mortimer.  (If the children hadn’t hidden his ear trumpet  again.)))




At any rate, The Sainted Mother has now given up her gizzard, and is recuperating comfortably at HerHouseWhereSheLives.  So We are back to being Our ever-vigilant Self, and won’t be distracted any time soo…oh, look, a balloon!




(How many of you are now picturing Great Uncle Mortimer with his ear trumpet?)


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In still other news, please Save The Dates for Thursday, May 8th, for the next installment of The Walker and O’Dare Radio Mystery Hour at the Powel House, and Saturday, May 10th, as the WaitStaff will be playing The Mother of All Match Games at L’Etage.  More on that story as it develops, but inside sources tell Us that Jesus H. Christ’s celebrity chair will be taken by His Mother, Mrs. Mary MotherOfGod! You won’t want to miss THAT!




We suddenly find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Taurus, Our video for which is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:




Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Taurus video, which is somewhat of a fillum noir, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about you?):






And here’s the HorrorScope:




Today’s celebrity birthdays are boring (Tony Danza?  Charlotte Bronte?), so here, courtesy of Doug, are yesterday’s: Happy birthday George Takei, Adolf Hitler, Crispin Glover and Columbine massacre.





In the interests of time management, in lieu of a call-and-response with the AssHatted Kelli, here is a reading from Madame Olivia:




Greetings Starzina ~

It's nice to have you back. Welcome to Madame Olivia.

Madame Olivia has a timely tip for you: a good model for communicating something difficult (like no or a refusal) is the oreo cookie: start with a chocolate positive; then deliver the dreaded no or whatever the hard-to-say creme thing is; and end with another chocolate positive. An example might be "It's great to hear from you. Unfortunately, all my waking hours are currently tied up with moving so I don't have time for a latte. But thank you for thinking of me!" Resist the urge to add "but let's do it soon" because that leaves the door open for a future invitation you'll have to deal with again. This really works.

Aries, this is a great time to let yourself be driven by your inner passions without restraint. Or guilt! If anybody has a problem with your moving forward, let such a one speak up. You can't always tailor your actions to suit your audience; sometimes you have to go for it. Like now.

Take care with a particular canine

It is time to take our leave for now. Madame Olivia wishes you Bon courage! See you next time.


(Heh.  "See you next time."  See what she did there?)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.





In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.